Curve Ball
by staceleo
Summary: Opposites attract don't they? Not in Bella Swan's world. Unfortunately, the Captain of the baseball team has other ideas. A short chapter tale written for mauigirl60.
1. Chapter 1

**This is a silly short chapter story written for the wonderful mauigirl60. My writing self-esteem was broken and she helped me get it back!**

**A big thank you to MidnightLove87 for coming up with the title!**

**Parks & Recreation is my favorite TV show and April is my inspiration for this Bella. Watch the show! It's terrific!**

**Thank you for reading.**

Curve Ball

Chapter 1

"So what do you think of Tanya Denali?"

The boy was bothering me again as I was trying to eat a slice of pizza. As Captain or General or whatever they call the head honcho of the baseball team, he needed to get back to the jocks table before I poured my milk over his head.

"She tried to stuff me in a locker, so not a fan." I pushed my glasses up on my nose and glared at him. That kid could not take a hint. "You want to date her?"

He grinned and played with his Gatorade bottle. "Why? Are you jealous?"

"Nope, I was just thinking if you like big boobs you should talk to Angela. She lent me a pen. It gives her a leg up on her big rack competition."

The idiot started laughing. Hard. He calmed down and announced in amazement, "You're funny!"

"Not really, but you seem easily amused." I swatted my hand at him, like he was a fly. "Go away now, pest!"

"I just want to ask..." He started to say with his face turning red.

Then I was saved by the giant kid with the tee-shirt ten sizes too small. "Yo Ed, we got to get to French! Hey girl, how you doin'?"

The giant talked to me. I might hate him more than Baseball Boy.

"Please take the Jolly Green Giant out of here," I said with a sneer.

The giant laughed. "She's funny!"

"I know, Emmett!" Baseball Boy agreed.

They were both idiots.

Unfortunately, I couldn't breathe a sigh of relief at them leaving me to peaceful silence due to Baseball Boy calling out, "I'll save you a seat in Biology!"

Shit.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Thank you all for reading! This is fun!**

**Mauigirl60, this one's for you!**

Chapter 2

"What's your favorite color?"

My head had been face down on the lab table. Baseball boy had saved me a seat, but I sat a different table next to some kid named Eric from the chess team. I wasn't sure how it happened, because a moment later the bane of my existence was sitting next to me. I have a feeling Baseball Boy either paid Eric or threatened him with a wedgie.

I would put a wager on the wedgie.

"You can't ignore me all day! What's your favorite color?" He tapped my shoulder. "Are you dead?"

"Mold," I mumbled with my face remaining down.

"That's not a color!"

I moved my head slightly and looked up at him. "It's the color of your eyes."

My head went back down.

"You should be a standup comedian!" He exclaimed with a laugh. This kid needed emotional help. "I bet you like purple. You would look pretty in light purple. The black makes you like a goth."

"You would look good with a black eye from a knuckle sandwich."

"Again with the jokes!" Baseball Boy chuckled. "What's your favorite flower?"

"Stink weed."

He wouldn't shut up. "What's your favorite drink?"

"Gin."

"You don't drink gin!" Baseball scoffed. "What is it really?"

"Vodka. I leave the kegs of skunked beer to jocks like you."

The annoying laughter filled my ears again. He asked, "Do you like Fresca?"

Oh God, my kingdom for something to gag him with.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Baseball Boy followed me to my locker. I tried to discreetly trip him, but he's as nimble as a gazelle and as bright as a piece of gravel on the parking lot.

"Do you need to wear your glasses?"

"Do you always need to ask so many questions?" I tossed my books in and slammed it shut. "Of course, I do. These puppies aren't for show. Go away."

"You should get contacts," he stated as he tried to pull my glasses off my face.

Damn it! My hand grazed his as I pushed his hand away and the idiot shocked me. "I don't like people touching me."

"Definitely contacts."

"Listen buddy, this isn't Pygmalion," I stated. I tried to stomp away from him.

He caught up. "What's that?"

"My Fair Lady." I started to jog away from him.

"Was that song on Glee?" He was quick, just not in the head.

"I'm not in one of those teen movies where the boy gets dared to make a girl pretty and has sex with her." I jabbed my finger in his chest. "It's not happening!"

"Of course not! No one dares Edward Cullen to do anything." He looked offended. "I hate those movies."

"Did you seriously refer to yourself in the third person?" We reached the gymnasium. "This is my stop. Go forth and bother somebody else."

"I'll pick you up after class. You can watch practice."

I looked at him in confusion. "What practice? You practicing to tie your shoe?"

"You're hilarious!" Baseball Boy laughed. Again. "Baseball practice, of course."

"No."

He hugged me. "See you after class!"

It was now a fact. Baseball Boy was an escaped mental patient. I should probably borrow Dad's taser.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

"Ouch."

The volleyball hit my head. It wasn't that I was clumsy, I just refused to raise my arms to hit the damn thing.

That twitchy girl, Jessica ran up to me. The scowl on her face was pretty impressive, until she opened her mouth. She screeched at me, "What's wrong with you? Don't you want to win?"

"No."

"Are you stupid?" More screeching.

"Do you always sound like a dying cat?" I asked.

I sat on the sidelines and that Mike guy came up to me. His face was puffy again. I was going to ask if he was having an allergic reaction to the polyester uniforms, but I decided that I could care less.

"Hey girl...how you likin' rainy Forks?"

"Who would like it, asshole?"

That puffy face was amusing when it turned red.

When it was my turn to serve, I spiked the ball into Mike's head.

I guess gym could be fun.


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: Last one for tonight. I'll try to slip some chapters in tomorrow, but weekends are crazy!**

Chapter 5

I snuck outside of the side door. There was no possible way for him to know. The rube would be standing outside the main door of the gym and...

"Hey, Bella!"

I jumped. He hugged me. It made me twitch.

"Stop with the touching!"

"Are you ready to watch me play?" He smiled.

I wrinkled my nose. "How did you find me, 007?"

"Whose that?"

"James Bond," I said, but his face was a blank mask. "British super spy? Pussy Galore?"

"Is that his cat?" Edward's hand started playing with my sleeve. I tried to pull it away, but the kid had some odd iron grip. With wide eyes, he added, "Does the American government know?"

"Are you serious?" I questioned. He still seemed confused. I spoke slowly, because he seemed to get lost in conversations easily, "It's a series of books that became movies about a spy."

"I don't watch movies like that," he stated with a grin. "I like sports movies like Brian's Song."

I needed an escape. Baseball Boy grabbed my hand. I wanted to chew it off like rat in trap. This boy was like a pretty, empty shell. Pretty?

Starting to pull me towards the baseball field, he declared, "You'll have fun! You can sit with my sister, Alice."

I wonder if crazy is genetic. I guess I would be finding out.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

That kid sure knew how to run. He would hit the ball and flit across the bases like a butterfly. When he stopped he would wave. At me. I put up my hood of my sweatshirt to hide, tightening the strings. Maybe, he would think I disappeared.

"Are you Edward's girlfriend?" The tittering voice asked. My hoodie cave obviously wasn't doing it's job. She could still see me.

I pulled off the hood and stared at the dark haired girl. She looked like she hacked off her hair with a pair of rusty scissors. It was more definitive proof that they were a family of mental patients.

"That's highly unlikely, don't think?" I went through my back pack and hunted for gum. I wouldn't normally offer it to others, but the idea of her having to concentrate on chewing and not talking was tempting.

The girl looked me up and down. "It makes sense actually. He loves brown things."

Of course, this was sound logic to the deranged.

She continued, "Do you want to go to the mall?"

"Do I look like the type that goes to the mall?"

"You look like the type to rummage in a dumpster for ugly sweatshirts," she stated matter of fact way.

This girl, Alice had potential. A spark of snark. Maybe she wouldn't be so bad to...

"You would look nice in purple."

She just had to ruin it.


	7. Chapter 7

**AN: Twiddler83 is writing an awesome and hilarious Edward story. It's called I Am Batman. I suggest you read and review it. You'll be glad you did!**

Chapter 7

Baseball Boy jogged up to us and pulled off his baseball cap. Seeing his red hair sticking up even more crazy than usual made me think of what would happen if the kid stuck his finger in an electrical socket. What am I saying? He most definitely already has stuck his finger in one repeatedly. Which would explain the normal state of his hair and his general outlook on his surroundings. This included me.

"What did you think?" He was so full of jittery energy.

I gave him a critical look. "Are you on drugs?"

"What? No!" He stated looking agitated.

"Riddle me this, Baseball boy, why are you all shaky then?"

Alice just laughed at her brother. I really couldn't read this girl.

Baseball Boy looked sad. "I was excited that you were here watching me play!"

"I didn't really have a choice. You kidnapped me," I said in exasperation. Cue the sad Baseball Boy eyes.

I did something I would never forgive myself for.

"You're ass looked good when you slid into the bases."

He beamed and I wanted the ground to swallow me up.

Today sucked.


	8. Chapter 8

**AN: Please pardon all mistakes. I wrote this on a teeny tiny cell phone keyboard. Oh and the obvious, just like Edward, I'm not the brightest bear in the woods.**

Chapter 8

That Alice scampered away after saying something about seeing me soon. Dream on, Tiny Dancer. I'll be hiding in my hoodie cave.

That's when I saw them. The overdone, big haired, tight tee-shirt wearing nymphos that call themselves the cheer leading squad.

"There you go, Baseball Boy. DD is waiting for you." I pointed to the primping Tanya. That girl never saw a reflective surface she didn't like.

"Who's DD?"

I waved at my chest. "The twin Denalis. Thing One and Thing Two belonging to the Queen of Mean, Tanya."

Baseball Boy was starring wide eyed at my chest. It was if he wished he had X-Ray vision, because of my oversized clothing. I crossed my hands over my chest. "Dude!"

"Sorry!" He blushed. "Why would I want to talk to her?"

His fingers were playing with my sleeve again.

I removed his hand. "Boundaries, Buckaroo. Don't you want to ask her to the Sock Hop or the prom of the century?"

"Of course not!" The kid exclaimed. "She's a monster!"

I looked at him in confusion. "Then why did you ask me about her?"

"I was pretty sure you were going to say something funny about her." He smiled. "I was right."

"Let me get this straight. You find my sarcasm funny, but you don't know who James Bond is? A new Bond movie just came out."

He shrugged. "I like to watch my DVDs of Friday Night Lights."

Of course, he does.

He then added, "Do you want to come over and watch it?"

I put up the hoodie. Maybe he would disappear.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

I had been saved by Baseball Boy's TV viewing invitation by an asshole.

His name was James Taylor. I was pretty much an expert on James Taylor. Not the jackass standing before me, but the folk singer. My father loved James Taylor, the singer. So much in fact that I had a pretty good idea that if James Taylor, the singer came knocking at the door my police chief father would marry him.

This James Taylor, however, my dad would throw into the slammer. You got a friend in this asshole? Definitely not. Baseball Boy was seeing this first hand.

"Where's that hot little piece of ass sister of yours, Cullen?"

James Taylor needed his ass kicked.

"Aww, man, don't say that kind of stuff!"

"What are you going to do about it, Cullen?" He was handsome, but he had a weird nose. He had a James Spader complex.

I had enough. "James Taylor, go sing your folk music somewhere else. The kid and I are heading out."

The jerk looked me from top to bottom. It made me feel dirty. "Why are you hanging out with the hobo?"

Baseball Boy got in his face. "Don't you dare say anything about my girlfriend!"

What?

James Taylor pushed the kid to the ground. "You might be team captain, but that's only because of your batting average. Don't forget who's boss!"

I don't know what came over me, but seeing the kid in the grass made me feel...well...bad. I punched James Taylor in eye.

"What the fuck?" He cried.

Coach Clapp lumbered over. He was a few days away from a coronary. He probably would be well served to exercise with the team.

"Miss Swan, what did you do to my star pitcher? I can give you detention for this!" He had to bend down to catch his breath.

"I wonder what my father would say when I tell him James Taylor was going to squeeze my breast? He is the chief of police after all."

Coach Clapp looked upset. He grabbed James Taylor's shirt and dragged him towards the gymnasium. "Taylor, we need a chat."

"Come on, Baseball Boy. You can walk me to my truck."


	10. Chapter 10

**AN: Happy St. Patrick's Day! I'm off to make green pancakes and might have some more of this silly for you later today.**

Chapter 10

He called the house at 7:30 on the dot.

"Bells, you have a call?" Chief Charlie poked his head in my door.

I looked up from reading, The Prince by Machiavelli. "Is it my dealer?"

"Jesus, Isabella, why do you have to say that kind of stuff?"

Because it's funny.

He handed me the phone. "Keep it short. You have school tomorrow."

Did he even know me? I never would willingly talk on the phone.

"Yo."

"Bella?"

"Who the hell is this?"

"Edward Cullen."

"Who?"

"Edward!"

"Kid?"

"I'm eighteen!" He exclaimed. "You punched James for me!"

"Ahh yes...punching James Taylor was the highlight of my day." I sighed. "How did you get this number?"

"My dad is chief of surgery and he had your dad's phone number," he stated. "Hi."

"Isn't that against some native American chief code? Don't annoy daughter of Chief by giving digits to son of Chief."

"We aren't Native Americans!" Then he got quiet. "We aren't, are we?"

"I know I'm not." I laid my head on my pillow. I wasn't tired before, but I sure was now.

He continued to ponder. "What music do you like to listen to?"

"Death metal."

I lied.

"Really?" He was quiet for a moment. "I like classical! Bach, Beethoven, Debussy..."

I didn't even stop myself.

"I like alternative and jazz," I admitted.

He laughed. "That's what I thought. You just want to make me laugh!"

"That wasn't the plan."

"So you're going to come over on..."

"No. I'm not you girlfriend, Baseball Boy." He was getting way too pushy.

"You're a girl and my friend! I'll make popcorn!"

I groaned. "You know the friend thing is debatable."

"What is your favorite book?"

It was going to be a long night.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

"She always speaks in a monotone, Doctor!"

My father had dragged me to family therapy. This was ridiculous and the couch smelled funny. It smelled like rotting onions. Chief Charlie was agitated. I was the only one who could tell. His porn, Burt Reynolds inspired mustache had a slight twitch on the right side. It was slightly mesmerizing.

"Well they say the apple not falling from tree, Pops." I placed my feet on the therapist's coffee table. She looked like she wanted to stab me in my eye with her pen. It was funny. "It's probably something in the Swan DNA. Diabetes, sarcasm, a love of watching Dr. Who and obsession with cheap beer that can be bought in the grocery store."

"Do you see what I have deal with, Dr. Denali?"

I sighed. "She's not a doctor, Chief Charlie."

This lady, whose spawn was the demented Tanya, was in no way a doctor. The woman did get some sick glee when my father accidentally keeps calling her by the title. Irina Denali, was bad as her daughter, with too much make up and a penchant for glittery jewelry that weighed down her arms. Do you know what they say about psychologists? They need therapy more than their patients. Maybe, I just made that up. The fact was old Irina was getting on my last nerve.

The woman scowled at me. "Please get your feet off my table, Miss Swan. Let's discuss your mother."

"Renee sends boxes of oranges at Christmas. Those things are damned tasty. Right, Chief Charlie?"

"Could you please try to call me 'dad'?" His mustache twitched.

"Nah."

Old Irina clutched her notebook. "I want you to discuss your feeling toward your mother."

"Robots don't have feelings, lady." I leaned in closer. "I should warn you. We are planning on taking over the earth. All your shiny baubles are distracting and scare us. Beware of our wrath."

"Bella!" Dear old dad's mustache was going into overdrive.

Then inspiration struck.

"I have a boyfriend."

Old Irina looked excited. "Finally we have something to work with."

"His name is Edward Cullen."

"That's Tanya's boyfriend!" The woman screeched.

"No way, fake Doc. That wasn't what he was telling me last night." I wiggled my eyebrows.

Chief Charlie gave me a quizzical look. "Are you talking about that boy who keeps calling you?"

"Oh yes! My dealer!"

"He really is your dealer!" My father was going to have a coronary, but know one would know because he was so deadpan.

"My dealer in the ways of love." I batted my eyelashes.

Old Irina was losing it. "You're a pathological liar, brat!"

"Daddy, she's so mean," I cried and started to fake crying.

"Don't speak to my daughter that way!"

Therapy can be fun.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

"Stay away from my man, dork!"

Tanya wasn't the most creative deliver of insults.

"Wow. You made me want to cry. Oh sniff, sniff." I wiped a pretend tear from my eye. "Does Baseball Boy know about this? I heard he's frightened of your gigantic breasts. How much did those puppies cost anyway?"

I looked at those giant boob balloons. She could take out an eye with those things.

"Oh my God! You're a lesbian!" She screeched.

"Oh my God! You want to kiss me!" I retorted. "You've always seemed the type. Your mom might have mentioned it in our therapy session. Wait...was that supposed to be confidential?"

Tanya's friends mouths were almost to the floor in shock. I really should carry around a camera.

"I...I...I..." She stammered.

"Bella, she isn't bothering you is she?" Baseball Boy asked, as he rushed over to us.

I took his hand. It didn't feel as weird as I thought it would. "Kid, Denali is in love with me. Look she's twitching in lust."

He just looked at her and shrugged. "I can see it. Tanya, we have the same taste in women."

We walked away from the dumbfounded girl, hand in hand. He whispered in my ear, "You have the prettiest nose."

Huh?


	13. Chapter 13

**AN: We have weird pets. They are my inspiration. You'll see.**

**I'm posting the second chapter of Cowboyward tonight. It's called The Sound of Steel Guitars on a Fallen Soul.**

**Also...if you read, A Little Pink House, it's up for the top ten completed Fics for February. You can vote for it or one of the other terrific stories nominated at ****twifanfictionrecs. **  


Chapter 13

They were on a feeding frenzy. It took one shake of their food and the little shrimp went bat shit crazy. Not too mention, since I ran the dishwasher, more of them hatched. They were so odd. Chief Charlie gave me money to purchase a kitten. He thought I needed something to cuddle. I came home with a sea monkey kit, a package of Twizzlers and a TV Guide. He was not impressed.

At least the little buggers weren't cannibals like the ants. My mother gave me an ant farm when I was ten. Let's just say, I was scarred for life.

"What are you looking at?"

I jumped, probably scaring the sea monkeys. There stood Baseball Boy with a grin.

"What are you doing here?"

He kept smiling. You would think his face would start to hurt by now. "Your dad let me in."

"He has a shotgun and a police revolver."

Baseball boy looked worried. "Is he going to shoot me?"

"No. I might."

"Really?" He looked upset.

"Of course not, kid! It was a joke." I sighed and looked up at the ceiling. "It was obviously a bad one."

He patted my hand causing me to look at him. "It was funny. Don't worry."

The kid was so sweet he was giving me cavities.

"What are these things? They're really cool." He looked at my pets in awe. "I've never seen them before."

"Sea Monkeys."

"Monkeys live in the sea?" He asked in amazement. "But these monkeys don't have fur."

Oh sweet Jesus.

"They're shrimp, dude. Brine shrimp that have baboon butts. Take a good look!"

He stared at the biggest of the sea monkeys and it stared right back. Baseball Boy started talking to it, "Hey buddy, what's your name?"

"They don't talk." I felt I needed to clarify it for him. He was slow on the uptake.

He grinned again. It was pretty. What the hell? He asked, "What are their names?"

"Umm..." You could see their skeletons. I thought it was stupid to give them names, but he seemed to really want me to. I decided to make shit up. "Well...there's Larry, Curly and Moe. The little one is Tiny Tim. Over here is Lenny. Squiggy is floating in the corner..."

"Tiny Tim must be after A Christmas Carol. The rest are some crazy names! Where did you get them?"

"The Three Stooges and Laverne and Shirley. Tiny Tim is after the big dude who played a ukulele on Laugh In."

He looked at me blankly. "What are those?"

"Old television shows." I grabbed his face and looked in his eyes. "Is there anything in there? I think you might have just been let out of a bubble."

That's when Baseball Boy kissed me.

It was nice. Oh fuck.


	14. Chapter 14

**AN: Good morning, Sunshines!**

Chapter 14

We sat on the couch, ate Frosted Flakes and watched cartoons. I was going to kick him out, but after the kiss I decided that it might be considered rude.

"I like these," he stated. "I usually eat Rice Krispies."

"Be quiet, Dora is trying to teach me Spanish." Dora the Explorer wasn't teaching me anything, but I was hoping Edward would get bored and leave. It was Edward, so instead he was digging it. He particularly liked the boots wearing monkey.

"The songs are catchy." He placed his bowl on the coffee table. "Thanks for the cereal."

"Sure, kid." I brought the bowl up and started slurping out the milk. Instead of being disgusted, Baseball Boy was starring at my mouth.

"What?" I asked after I placed my bowl on the table.

He took a deep breath and scooted closer to me. "Hey."

"You've been here for two hours. I think we've gotten past the meet and greet."

He came even closer. "I think...well...I'm going to kiss you again."

"What?"

He pushed his face onto mine. I let him.

Then I squeezed his ass.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

I was like a rabid wildebeest. My hands were going places they probably shouldn't belong, but the kid smelled like strawberries and I wanted to lick him.

He struggled to get away from my death grip, but I held on tight and licked him on the neck. He shivered and instead of returning the favor, he tickled me.

I let go and grimaced. "Why did you do that?"

"I want to take it slow." He stroked my face and I wrinkled my nose.

"Are you kidding me?"

"I want you to feel respected and cherished."

Shit, I was more of a boy then he was.

I stood up. "Out you go!"

"Why? I don't have to get home until..."

I pulled him off the couch. "Bye, kid."

Before I could push him out the door, he pulled me close to him and kissed me hard. "I'll pick you up for school tomorrow morning."

"Huh?" I was feeling light headed.

"Your truck is a death trap."

What the fuck?


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

"Bella, there's a boy here." Chief Charlie called from the living room. I was trying to eat my breakfast, so I could suffer through another day in that penal colony called Forks High School.

"Hi Bella...I...oh!" Edward stood in the doorway of the kitchen clutching a bouquet of daisies. His eyes were bugging out of his head, as he watched me deep throat the banana.

I started to gag on it and Edward's face turned bright red and he readjusted his pants. Not what I had imagined seeing this morning.

"What are you doing here?" I questioned, after pulling out the offending piece of fruit.

"Taking you to school," he squeaked. His eyes were trained on my breasts. I realized that he'd never seen me without my protective hoodie.

I crossed my arms over my tee-shirt. "I have a perfectly functioning truck, kid."

He kissed my cheek. "It's very rusty and I'm sure it has faulty breaks."

"It's a classic Ford pick-up truck, Baseball Boy. Are you even an American?"

"My Volvo is the pinnacle of safety." He placed the daisies in my hands. I sneezed. "These are for you."

I stuck them in a Colt 45 bottle Chief Charlie had by the sink. I filled it with water and hoped dear old dad rinsed the bottle out. Maybe, daisies liked beer?

I let him take my hand. He said with a grin, "Your chariot awaits."

"Sure thing, Grandma, let's take your horseless carriage and go 20 mph to the church and play bingo."

He laughed. "You're hysterical!"

It was going to be a long day.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

He held his hand out to me. I just looked at it.

"Aren't you going to hold my hand?"

We were in the school parking lot and though I might have been imagining things, I felt as if all eyes were on us. Obviously, the students at this institution of learning had a staring problem.

"No."

"Bella, it will show our new status."

"What status? Your hand making mine all sweaty?" I swatted his hand away. "Enough with the touching."

He grabbed my hand anyway. "You're just being difficult! Yesterday, we were kis..."

This kid was persistent.

"I thought you wanted to take it slow," I hissed.

"I thought you wanted to have sex!" He pulled me into his body. "We need to work our way up to that."

I gave him an annoyed look. "Who said I'm ever doing the horizontal mambo with you, kid? We were kissing. It was fun. You stopped the fun and now we're in public so back off."

Before he could protest, the grating voice of Jessica Stanley rang out, "Oh my God! Are you two dating?"

"Jessica, don't you have something better to do than be nosy? Perhaps learn to tie your shoes?" I mocked.

"I'm wearing slip on sandals, Bella!" She retorted. Well good for her, learning to tie shoes would be a hinderance to being an insufferable gossip. "Why are you together? He's handsome and you look like a troll!"

"Thank you." I could care less.

"She's a beauty!" He grabbed me and moved me towards him. I looked at him in shock. He kissed me and I kissed him back, for approximately two minutes, give or take.

I pulled away away. "I thought we were taking this slow?"  
"You kissed me back!" He grinned.

"I'm delusional."

"You're delusional for me." He held me by the waist. Looking at Jessica, he said stoically, "Bella Swan is my girlfriend."

I let him lead me into the building.

I might need another appointment with old Irina. I was going completely insane.


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

It had to happen. Edward had a death grip on my waist and everyone in the hall had to put in their two cents.

"Ed, my main man, you did it!" The Jolly Green Giant chortled. "You tamed the savage Swan! She didn't peck ya, did she? If she did, I bet you liked it. Ed's a kinky boy, Swan. You're a small thing, so I feel as if I should protect you."

I looked at the shrunken Celtics tee-shirt, that I imagined he wore it to showcase his muscles. If he had any, which he didn't.

"You're rather large and I think you bought your tee-shirt at A Children's Place. Shouldn't you have let a third grader purchase it? They do have big boy stores at the mall."

"She's so funny!" The giant exclaimed. Then he hugged me and I awkwardly patted his back.

"Now, now...big boy, simmer down."

Edward pulled me to him and kissed my head. I wrinkled my nose and tried to squirm away. "I told you she was great, Emmett!"

"You did! I believe you now. No worries!" He arched his eyebrow at me. "So little Swan, you like my guns."

He flexed his flab.

"More like blimps," I observed.

"You're a fucking riot! I can't wait for you to meet my Rosie on date night on Friday."

Friday nights are when I watch bad movies on basic cable. I wrinkled my nose. Date night was not happening.

"If you wrinkle that nose again, I'm going to kiss it." Edward touched gently with his finger. "So pretty."

"I don't like PDA, buddy!"

He kissed my nose and the giant chuckled.

Okay fine, I kind of liked it.


	19. Chapter 19

**AN: This might be the last one tonight. James Taylor jokes are fun! I hope I made your day a little more silly! Thank you for reading!**

Chapter 19

Damn it. James Taylor was leaning on my locker.

He was wearing a pair of those 80's retread sunglasses that still don't look good on anyone. He pushed them up on his head and looked at me with that preppy sneer and folded his arms. He still had the black eye. I felt like Molly Ringwald in Pretty in Pink. I wondered if the Jolly Green Giant could be my Ducky.

"Well...well...well...you think you're the shit, because you're dating the captain of the baseball team, little girl?"

"No, sweet baby James, I think I'm the shit due to the black eye you're sporting." I grinned.

If he thought he could scare me, he was sadly mistaken.

"Learn your place or I will show it to you," he announced with a leer.

I pushed him away from my locker. I needed my biology book. "Is it Carolina? Do you have Carolina on your mind?"

"Huh?"

I shook my head at him. "You'll never get that Grammy if you don't learn your own music catalogue, James Taylor. Actually, you won't win anyway. Kanye West will steal it away."

"I have no clue what you're talking about!" He look exasperated.

I rolled my eyes. "Not many people do. I like it that way. By the way, James Taylor is a famous folk singer, dumb ass! You must know this. Seriously."

He grabbed my arm, his body pressed to mine. "I bet you would look good without these baggy clothes. Want to be with a real man?"

"How sweet it is to not be sexually harassed by you," I retorted with a sneer. You can make a James Taylor song joke in every situation. Jokes that confuse the bully enough so he moves back.

I kneed him in the groin.

"God damn it, bitch!"

Mrs. Cope ran out of her room. "What happened here?"

"James Taylor tried to grab my boob."  
He was crying in a fetal position on the floor.

"I didn't see that, Miss Swan." The old woman pushed up her insanely large, round glasses. How you could miss anything wearing those things was a mystery. "I have to give you detention."

The unfair nature of the public school system strikes again. Oh well.

"Cool. I could use a nap." I looked down at the weeping predator. "Try it again, James Taylor and I cut those balls off and put them on the back of my truck."

I smiled slowly. Detention means an irate Charlie. An irate Charlie means no date night. No date night means Bella, popcorn and the horrible Jane Seymour TV movie. I should get detention more often.


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20

I crinkled a piece of notebook in the air and tossed it up and down. This was my attempt at ignoring Baseball Boy's stare. He was sitting way too close at the Biology lab table.

"It's a travesty, really. A girl like me with those ruffians in the detention room." The paper went up and down. "I bet I'll learn all sorts of bad habits like carving skulls into the desks. I can learn to make a bong from a toilet paper tube. Chief Charlie would be impressed. Then I can observe how to talk back to teachers using dialogue from Saved by the Bell. This is Forks after all, not some rough inner city school. I'm sure there's a Zach Morris type that was being obnoxious in home room that got sent to high school jail."

The kid stole my paper ball from mid air. I gave him the stink eye. He admonished, "Bella, let's be serious! This..."

"Is confusing to you, because you have no knowledge of pop television culture outside of sports movies and television? Would it have been easier if I said Dawson from the Creek, because he was in the movie version of Friday Night Lights?" I had to wrinkle my nose. "Your sports entertainment is rubbing off on me, I don't like this."

He kissed my nose. I hope I'm not subconsciously nose wrinkling on purpose.

"You shouldn't be in detention, because he was trying to intimidate you!" The kid grabbed my hand. "He could have hurt you!"

"James Taylor was left crying on the floor by this girl." I poked my chest. "You can stick that sword away, Prince Charming. I've got this.

Detention equal nap time for Bella. Sweet, glorious nap time.

"Your father..."

I forgotten for a moment about the master plan.

"Oh yes, the old timer will be upset at his eldest child receiving punishment. Bad, bad Bella will be put in Swan Prison. I promise a diet of cold pizza and Sprite, not bread and water." I gave him a fake, sad smile. "Guess that date night has to be on hold for awhile."

Kid slammed his fist on the table. It shook slightly. It was strangely seductive. Weird.

"I refuse to let you be punished! I will free you from injustice!"

Good luck with that, buckaroo.


	21. Chapter 21

**AN: I have no willpower and I want more of Twiddler83's I am Batman and HoneybeeMeadow's Coupling. Fact.**

**Thanks for reading!**

Chapter 21

I found detention relaxing. Everybody should try it at least once. It's great for napping.

That was until the weird kid with short blond dreads started babbling, "I like your hoodie, man."

He started giggling like a loon. His rainbow colored _Phish_ tee-shirt was blinding me with its ugliness.

"Jasper, shut up. Molina will keep us in here longer. I have a blunt waiting," a blond girl next to me slowly stated. Of course, cannabis girl had a blunt waiting. She turned towards me with blood shot eyes. "Hey, girl."

At least this extra from _Dazed and Confused_ could get my gender right.

"Hey, Mary Jane." I started doodling in my notebook again. Maintaining eye contact with these rocket scientists was a bad idea.

I looked down and frowned. I kept doodling baseballs. It was the kid's fault.

"You got a pen?" The girl asked. I quickly gave her one.

She shocked me! "Oww!"

"Sorry, girl…I must have an electric personality." She chuckled in that infuriating slow tone. These two made me sound like a motor mouth. "I'm Kate, not Mary Jane."

"Bella Swan." I looked away from her. I just wanted a stinking nap.

"Man, her dad's a pig!" That Jasper guy said. He was pulling on those dreads. I bet they smelled gross. "She's gonna squeal on us."

No sleepy time for me. Fabulous.

I sighed. "Cheech, do I look like someone who will tattle on you? You and Chong have nothing to worry about. Enjoy the chronic with my blessing."

I lowered my head in the hard desk. My life was turning into a bad stoner movie.

"My name is Jasper, man."

Of course, it is.

"You wanna smoke some good shit with us, Bird?" Stoner Kate giggled madly at her own joke.

I thought my brain cells were dying without the clueless twins' wacky weed. Then I heard a commotion outside.

"Hey, Hey, what do we say! Free Bella! Free Bella!" Oh shit. "Stop hiding your face, Alice!"

"Ed, do you think my sign looks stupid?" The giant asked. Loudly.

Kid, you're killing me.


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22

The first thing I noticed were the signs. I followed out Molina, the burnouts, sociopaths and other dregs of Forks High to find a protest of three. Baseball Boy and his sister held Free Bella signs that featured unflattering stick figures of me. It was the giant's sign that was truly special.

In crooked block letters he wrote, Caged Swans Cannot Fly Free. Under it was a misshapen blob with eyeballs. I guessed that was the swan. It was strangely creative. Perhaps I underestimated him?

Then he opened that giant mouth of his. "Hey jail bait! How ya doin', little girl?"

I was going to kill him. Then follow with the murders of Baseball Boy and Alice. I would miss the kid's lips, but it must be done.

"What the Hello Dolly are you doing, kid?" I grabbed Baseball Boy's arm.

Alice squealed, "You like Hello Dolly, Bella? They're doing it for the spring drama production! Will you tryout with me?"

"No." I wrinkled my nose and pulled away from the kid quickly. He was eyeing my nostrils and licking his lips. "I need to reprimand your brother, Tiny Dancer."

Baseball Boy was at that moment was being yelled at by Mr. Molina.

"I can't dance, Bella!" Alice exclaimed. She couldn't stop talking. "Do you mean like the Elton John song?"

Kill me now. "Molina has a vein popping out of his forehead. I should help the kid..."

She continued on, ignoring me, "You could call me by my name."

"Not gonna do it." I watched as Molina started shaking his stubby finger in the poor kid's face. It was kind of sweet of the kid to try to defend me. Not that I would ever admit it. I wouldn't even admit it in a court of law. "Listen, Molina is..."

"So you know Jasper?"

"Who?" I looked at Alice and she pointed to the blond Bob Marley wannabe. "You mean Cheech?"

"Isn't he dreamy?" She swooned. I gagged. "Can you introduce us?"

"Do I look like Yente from Fiddler on the Roof? If you start singing that matchmaker song, I will gag you with my hoodie. It has many magical uses."

"You do like musical theater!"

I grabbed her arm and dragged her over to my stoner buddy. "Hey you. This is Alice. Be nice and don't get her high. I kicked James Taylor's ass. Twice. Don't mess with me."

Kate giggled like a loon and grinned at me. I think I have an admirer.

I stomped over to Molina. "Teach, he's exercising his freedom do speech."

"Miss Swan, I'm about to give you all detention for the rest of the year!" The man's bald spot was bright red. It was like a ripe tomato.

"Rick? Why the hell are you yelling at my kid?" Chief Charlie to the rescue.

"Daddy, he's mean." I wrapped my arms around my father's waist. Dad looked scared and Edward looked jealous. "I had detention. Ground me."

"Sir, your daughter had been fairly accosted by James. She defended herself and was unfairly punished," The kid pulled me away from my father and hugged me tightly. "She should be heralded for her bravery."

"When did you learn big words, kid?" I asked aloud. I turned to Chief Charlie and added, "I kicked James Taylor in the baby maker."

"That's my girl!" Chief Charlie cheered. "Wait...you kicked my favorite singer in the groin?"

Serenity now.


	23. Chapter 23

**AN: Enjoy! *snickering***

Chapter 23

Chief Charlie didn't even put up a fight. Baseball Boy just batted those long lashes of his and my father just about threw me into his arms.

This is how I ended up in the kid's grandma mobile in front of my house. We had been making out for twenty minutes.

At first my goal was simple, have Chief Charlie catch us. Brazenly making out in front of the parental unit's house just had to make a grounding stick. That was until, I started enjoying the kid's lips. I think he used Lip Smacker's Bubble Gum lip balm. It wouldn't surprise me in the least.

I was getting lost in his mouth, but it hit me that his hands hadn't moved from their tight grip on my waist.

I moved his hand to my right breast and made him squeeze it. He looked at me with shocked eyes and whispered, "It's so soft. Like a pillow."

Oh.

He touched again and let out a moan. "I could sleep on it."

Uh huh.

Then he pulled away quickly. "I promised myself that I would keep things at first base level until you could see how truly I respect you!"

I sighed. I placed my hand on the mound on his pants. It was big. I was scared. However, I showed no fear. "Is this okay?"

"No," he squeaked. As I pulled it away, he pushed it back on his bulge. "Just for a minute."

I had no clue to what I actually should do after that point. I wasn't an expert in seduction or even touching things that looked like snakes.

What the hell. I squeezed. He squeaked again. "One more second. Nice..."

That's when my hand felt sticky. The front of his pants were wet. Oh shit.

He blushed. "I should get home! I'll pick you up tomorrow morning!"

He pecked me on the lips and ushered me out of his car.

I watched, with my sticky hand, as his car skidded quickly away at 25 mph.

What the hell just happened?


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24

"Why are you staring at baseball?" Chief Charlie sounded concerned. I think.

I sat in the gigantic stuffed chair, staring at the screen. I had no idea what in the hell was going on with this game. "Why not?"

Baseball Boy played this stupid game. He ran and slid into those bases with tight pants. He had lips that tasted like Bubble Gum Lip Smackers. He gunned that car away from my house at an incredibly slow speed. I should have jogged slowly to catch up with him and kick out his taillight.

"You're grounded."

"Cool." I continued to stare at the screen. "Bring in some Cheetos."

"I'll take away the TV."

"You are a tyrant, Chief Charlie." I loved television. Not enough to get all riled up, though. "Cheetos?"

"Offspring, how is it you stay monotone during a fight? We're discussing you favorite thing!" Charlie started pacing back and forth in front of the television.

"I learned it from watching you," I stated, as my head darted back and forth trying to still see the screen. "I can't see the baseball pants."

The kid wore baseball pants. Stupid kid.

He stopped in front of the TV. "Is this about that boyfriend? Oh God, my child is freaking out about a boy."

He looked sick.

Oh yes, the kid who I was becoming tolerant of. I thought of him like I did the Sea Monkeys. I would miss them when the stopped swimming. Perhaps I was missing him now. Never, I say never.

"He's not my boyfriend, Chief Charlie. He's a kid who plays sports. A kid who wanted to hang out for a couple weeks, but I scared him."

I wasn't planning to scar Chief Charlie by pointing out that I scared the kid so much he blew his load. I do have some tact.

"Kiddo, if that boy hurt your feelings I'll lock him up with drunk John for the night."

"It's fine. As long as you let me watch bad movies and eat pizza."

"You don't always have to be tough, Bells." He made a funny face. "Pause the game for a minute. Is that music?"

I muted the television, as eighties music filled the room. Chief Charlie rushed to the window and started guffawing. "Bella, you need to see this!"

I looked out the window. Oh shit.


	25. Chapter 25

**AN: Where's my coffee...oh right... Good morning!**

Chapter 25

Baseball Boy was on top of the giant's shoulders and waving an iPod with portable speakers in the air. He was wearing a tux.

My mouth dropped open. The song playing was, _Karma Chameleon_ by Culture Club.

Tiny Dancer jumped out of the grandma mobile. "Edward, it's the wrong song!"

"Oh no, Alice! Wait a minute..." The kid fumbled with the iPod. _Like a Virgin_ blared. I was going to die or kill the kid. I hadn't decided. "That's not right!"

"It's fitting," stated the giant. He snorted.

"Which one?" Kid was jabbing buttons. Billy Idol's _White Wedding_. Chief Charlie fell onto the floor laughing hysterically.

Giant started shaking with his odd giggles and made the kid hold on to that thick neck for dear life. "Planning on marrying the little one, Ed?"

"Not yet!" He was messing with the speakers. "Stay still, Emmett!"

Not yet?

"_In Your Eyes_, Edward! _Say Anything_, remember? We watched it before we came over here!" Tiny Dancer shrieked and started pulling her crazy hair.

_Cherry Pie_ from Warrant. Chief Charlie was hyperventilating and trying to go out the door.

"Don't you dare go out there, old man." I threatened.

He pulled me towards the door, as I attempted to dig in my heels. "Let's put Lover Boy out of his misery."

"Do you want Bella wiggling on top of your car, Ed?" Giant was swaying again from his laughter.

"Turn it off!" Tiny Dancer screamed.

We stood on the porch and I was in shock.

Old Mrs. Cope came out onto her lawn. "Charles, should I call the police?"

"Myrtle, I'm the police!" My father yelled. Myrtle was as deaf as a post.

"Huh?"

"I'm the police!"

"Huh?" She started to mess with her hearing aid.

"I'm the police!"

Her wizened face glared at my father. "There's no need to yell, boy! I'm not deaf!"

"Wait...wait...I have the perfect song," Edward stated. Belinda Carlisle started chortling her ballad, _Mad About You_. Why me?

"You're such a damn woman!" The giant was cracking up so hard, that like the mighty redwood, he crashed onto the ground with the kid on top of him. At least, the kid had a massive human body pillow to soften his fall.

The giant groaned.

Tiny Dancer was fretting.

Baseball Boy reached out to me. "Bella."

I had a WWMRD moment. What Would Molly Ringwald Do, really should be in every girl's arsenal when dealing with this kind of teen movie fuckery.

I went over to him and pulled him up.

"Are you crazy?" I asked, wiping off his tux.

He put his arms around me. "Didn't you hear the song? I'm mad about you."

"You're so cheesy."

"I'm so sorry. You make feel things I never have before and I'm trying to figure out how to keep you from dumping me." He moved in closer. "I adore you. Forgive me?"

"Yes, wait...are you going to kiss me?"

"Yes."

"No."

He placed his lips on mine. I guess it would be okay to kiss him. A little bit.

He moved away and before I could latch on again. The kid asked, "Date night still on?"

Oh bother.

"Oops. I'm grounded."

"No, my spawn isn't. She'll be so happy to go out with you." Chief Charlie's eyes actually twinkled. "She's even wearing a dress."

That man's punishments were truly cruel.

"I don't have any."

"I'll get you one," the Tiny Dancer exclaimed.

My retribution would be swift and brutal.

The kid kissed me again.

Retribution could wait.


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter 26

I felt a tickle under my nose. It started wiggling uncontrollably. Normally, I slept like the dead. Chief Charlie had been know to douse me with water to wake me up for school, but this morning was eerily different and my room stunk.

My face was twitching like crazy, as the stinky object kept attacking my nostril. I refused to open my eyes. That would be admitting defeat. That's when I felt soft skin kiss the tip of my nose.

"What the hell!" I sat up immediately, the sheets unwinding from my body, and I head butted the kid.

He clutched his head and held out a red rose. With a look of pain, he forced a smile. "Good morning, beautiful lady."

I sneezed. "What are you doing here?"

"Your dad let me in to surprise you!" He waved his arm to the florist shop that now took up residence in my bedroom. "Do you like it?"

I scowled and sneezed again. "My allergies are overjoyed."

I sneezed again and Baseball Boy started to stare in awe. I looked down in a panic. He was seeing me in my usual sleeping attire.

Sure my daily uniform is covering. I'm one step away from Nanook of the North. Except at night. I was prone to sweating profusely when I slept, so tank top and underwear it is. Unfortunately, I was so tired from the kid's ill planned musical declaration, I didn't wear my full coverage Granny panties. Instead, I was wearing some skimpy, polka dotted torture device my clueless mother sent me for Easter.

The kid liked them too much.

"Oh sweet mother of fuck, Ed! Little Swan has a fine body!" The giant stood with a grin that I wanted to punch. "Hey Ed, you might want to send Woody back to _Toy Story_ before Officer Daddy sends it to the wood chipper."

I dove under the covers. In a muffled voice, I demanded, "Go away."

"I lo...adore you!" The kid announced.

"Go away."

I was sure this day was going to get worse. It was already off to a spectacularly awful start.


	27. Chapter 27

Chapter 27

I covered my body from head to toe. The wool sweater I wore was itchy, but it made my body look like a shapeless lump. That would do.

I trudged downstairs to find more stinky blooms filling my home. Roses, daisies and orchids were filling all available space. I sneezed. I missed the smell of stale beer and dead fish.

"Did you rob a botanical garden?" I asked the kid. He sat at the kitchen table with Chief Charlie and the giant. The were eating all of my Frosted Flakes, the deviants.

The kid grinned at me. "My mother is a florist."

"Nice of you to steal all her profits," I stated. Turning to Chief Charlie, I added, "You better get working on that drinking problem, old man. We need more bottles to stick those things."

"What, Bells?" My father looked up from his coffee.

"I need some Colt 45 bottles or Bud cans to stick the flowers in."

"We have vases."

I shook my head. "Nope."

"Yes, we do!"

"You must be joking, Chief Charlie."

"I wasn't raised in a barn, girl." His mustache started its twitching.

I grabbed the Frosted Flakes. "Are you sure about that? You do like living in a pig sty."

"Young lady, you want me to add heels for Friday?" Chief Charlie smirked.

Curses, Father!

I sneezed again and started scratching my neck. It itched. I tried to pour my cereal into the bowl. Empty. "You must be kidding me."

"Sorry, little one!" The giant winked and took a big bite of my cereal.

"I'm going to gag you with that spoon." I sneezed.

Baseball Boy quickly stood up and grabbed my hand. "I'll get you some breakfast at the diner!"

He lead me out the door, as I sneezed and scratched. The kid looked at me with concern. "Do you want take that sweater off? It looks itchy."

"No," I grumbled and got in with a huff.

Baseball Boy had seen quite enough me today.


	28. Chapter 28

Chapter 28

My neck looked like it had some sort of flesh eating bacteria and it itched like crazy. I was not amused.

I was scratching my way down the hallway. Mrs. Holliday was sending me to the nurse. Supposedly, the other students believed I was contagious. Perhaps I did make the situation seem more dire by moaning and begging that freshman Heidi to dig her press on nails into my boils. What did they expect me to do? I really hate Home Ec.

I was enjoying the silence of the empty hallway, when I turned the corner and saw the bane of my existence harassing my stoner buddy.

That Kate girl was pushed up against the lockers, while James Taylor was searching her pockets.

She protested, "I told you I don't have any!"

"James Taylor, James Taylor...I know the sounds of jam rock upset your delicate folk music sensibilities, but this is just ridiculous. You keep singing about being a friend, when we all good and well that you don't have any, while Mary Jane here listens to a ten hour guitar solo. Cool?"

"What happened to your neck?" He glared at me. Oh scary.

"Poison, James Taylor. Would you like to share?"

I moved closer. I rubbed my hand on my neck and held it out towards him.

"Don't fucking touch me!" He started backing away. "Katherine, I want my pot."

"I don't have it," she repeated.

I moved closer to James Taylor and pointed to the front of his preppy khaki's. "My truck is looking awfully sad without some truck nuts. Want to contribute?"

He clutched the front of his pants. "I have to go!"

"Farewell, James Taylor. I expect some harmonica playing in the quad this afternoon."

"You're insane!"

"Like a loon," I agreed, making my eyes grow wide. A smirk flitted quickly to my lips and disappeared, as I watched the rat scurry away.

"You saved me, girl," Kate said and patted my shoulder. What was with these people and touching? "I didn't even have any chronic on me."

"Uh huh."

I was hoping she would just stop talking.

"I'm trying to quit."

"Uh huh."

Do not make conversation.

"There's this boy."

Oh sweet Jesus, I'm not a religious woman, but please shut her up.

"Uh huh"

"His name is..."

I took a good look at her shirt. It was tie dyed. Of course. It was those damned Grateful Dead bears dancing on it that had me transfixed. I murmured, "Those bears are staring at me."

"We should go to lunch," she stated, taking the sleeve of my sweater and pulling me towards the cafeteria. Who asked her to dine with me? I certainly didn't. "Why are you wearing the winter sweater, girl? It's like 70 degrees."

I have a new best friend. Today was on the slippery slope to horrendous.


	29. Chapter 29

**AN: Enjoy!**

**(Oh...while you wait for the next chapter, you might want to check out Ugly Duckling Bakery. It's this Bella all grown up and running a bakery.) **

Chapter 29

"It looks itchy." The kid was rubbing my hive infested neck. The hives that were now traveling to other areas of my body.

"It's the sweater, man," My new appendage, Kate stated. I wished she would find her buddy, the Blond Bob Marley. Oh wait...he's off canoodling with Tiny Dancer. I really wished I didn't know that.

I placed my head on the table. It used to be so nice being alone in a corner and reading angry manifestos. Now I was surrounded by people. I hated people. Let me clarify, I hated people and hives. Those hives were growing hot and uncomfortable.

The kid rubbed my heated skin. "You need to take off the sweater, Bella. Kate's right."

"Mary Jane is going into withdraw. She cannot be trusted," I mumbled into my arms. My face was burning now.

The giant started laughing. I hated Emmett sometimes. "I've seen your fine body, little one. You don't have to worry about a thang."

I looked up. "I will kill you, Goliath."

"You're face!" Baseball Boy looked at me with concern. He gently pulled me out of my seat. "We'll be back in a few minutes."

"My hot dog!" I pointed to my tray.

"The last thing Ed needs to see is you eating a hot dog. He's already sporting a boner by touching your arm." The giant pointed at the kid's pants.

He had indeed grown larger.

"I'm buying you a muzzle!" The kid angrily said to his gigantic friend before pulling me out of the cafeteria.

A few moments later, I found myself in a small janitor's closet. The kid was pulling off my sweater. He asked, "Where did you get this thing?"

"My mother. I've never worn it before, because literally it's like wearing a tent. Today, I have more of an appreciation for tents and the house dresses my grandma used to wear." I watched as he threw the sweater in a corner. "Hey, I need that."

"You can borrow the sweatshirt in my locker," he stated, as he unwrapped my arms from my waist. His eyes bore into my tee-shirt clad body. "You're so beautiful."

"You're one smooth operator, kid," I stated.

He smiled and kissed my nose. "Do you want to get the sweatshirt?"

"No I want..." This boy had me by my imaginary balls. "I want you."

Baseball Boy grabbed me and we kissed hard. I think he wasn't so stuck on his bases theory anymore.

We crashed into a pile of mops and brooms, as our tongues banged together. Rolls of toilet paper fell onto our heads as our hands wandered. The kids's foot ended up in a bucket of dirty water, as he tried to hitch his leg over me against a door.

This action forced our bodies to tumble out of the closet and onto the floor of the hallway, where our fellow students were heading to their next class. They all stopped and stared where the kid's body was on top of mine. His hand was under my shirt.

I gave a halfhearted wave from where I was pinned. "Hey."


	30. Chapter 30

Chapter 30

Kate couldn't stop laughing. She also couldn't stop following me around like a really slow puppy. It was a fitting description, because her shaggy hair hung over her eyes. She was like a sheepdog.

"I think Felix sent me a picture of you with Edward on the floor," she announced scrolling through her phone. "I'll send you a copy, so you can print it out and put it by your bed."

"Yes, because that's exactly the type of picture I want of the kid by my bed." It was exactly the type of picture of Baseball Boy I wanted by my bed. Kate didn't need to know that. "I think I miss the stoned and oblivious version of you, Mary Jane."

"Nah, girl, you needed me," she announced to annoy me. "There he is."

Jogging around the baseball field, was the one and only Garrett Harrison. He was almost as pretty as Baseball Boy and just as obnoxiously nice. My first day at Fork's High School he introduced himself and I walked away. I have no time for that kind of nonsense.

We were sitting on the bleachers watching baseball practice. I was snuggled in my...I mean Baseball Boy's New York Yankees sweatshirt. The kid likes the evil empire. He was growing on me.

"Will you introduce me?" Kate looked at me.

I wasn't a proponent for the wacky weed, but I was a fan of the sound of silence. I certainly wasn't getting any.

"Don't know him."

"Edward does, girl! He's your boy." Kate grabbed my hand.

I shook her off. "Did you switch to stimulants? No touching!"

"So..."

I watched the kid toss a ball to Garrett. He turned to wave to me and got hit in the chest with the ball. Oh my.

"I'm not your pimp, Mary Jane. Just go up to him and introduce yourself to him. Maybe let him meet your bears." I motioned to the dancing monstrosities her shirt. "Actually don't. They're scary little things."

She was staring at him with a sad pout. Pouts didn't faze me, but her begging did. I would do anything to make her hush.

I whistled loudly. "Yo kid, bring your buddy over here!"

The kid and Garrett jogged over both with large grins on their faces. Those two had very white smiles. The blinding kind that reminded me of sharks and REM singing _Shiny, Happy People_. I wished the would at least have a sprig of broccoli stuck in those pearly whites. Oh well.

"Hello there, Isabella Swan and Kate Hudson. How are you this fine morning?" Garrett flashed those intensely straight chompers.

Kate Hudson? An unflattering snort came out of me. I wonder if Goldie Hawn knew her daughter had a penchant for Grateful Dead paraphernalia.

Kate squeaked, "Hi."

The kid wrapped his stinky body around me. "How am I doing?"

"I have absolutely no clue. Umm...go team?" Why does he ask me these things. "Teeth, Mary Jane wanted to be officially introduced to you."

"Who's Teeth, Isabella Swan? I'm literally bursting with confusion." Garrett continued grinning.

I stared at his teeth. How do they stay so white? "You. Do you use whitener or gel strips on those cuspids?"

"I just eat a healthy diet and instead of caffeine, I take herbal supplements and make special smoothies to strengthen my immune system. It literally makes me feel years younger!"

Because at eighteen, you really want to feel like you're in elementary school.

"That sounds amazing," Kate slowly said, her eyes gazing at him with admiration.

Whatever floats her boat.

"Kate Hudson, would you like to accompany me to the grocery store? I can show you everything to make one." Teeth's grin got even bigger. He actually liked her. It was bizarre.

The kid kissed my head. "You just can't help bringing people together!"

Oh I really can, they just won't let leave me alone.


	31. Chapter 31

Chapter 31

"We have exactly the time for me to read the back of this bag of pork rinds for you to get ready before Edward gets here to pick you up," Alice stated, as she sat at the end of my bed. "Why exactly do you have pork rinds in your bedroom?"

"We ran out of the good snacks and I was hungry. Stop with the judgment, Tiny Dancer." I rubbed my wet hair with a towel. "You were the one who made me shower."

"You smelled like moth balls," Alice pointed out. She was correct indeed.

"It's what happens when you wear your grandmother's sweaters." I grabbed a boxy cardigan that Nana Swan used to fill the pockets with cough drops and tissues. "I should wear this. Kid likes me smelling like moth balls."

"He does," she agreed. "Everyone else thinks it revolting. Pick a dress."

I grabbed a dress. "Moth balls keeps them away. Where did you get these frocks, Teeny Tiny Dictator."

"My closet."

I picked up a green one that looked like it had lots of fabric. "How about this one?"

"It's strapless."

I let it drop on the bed. "You are a demented woman."

"Wear the lilac one." She tossed a purple piece of fabric at my head. "It's covering, but still pretty."

"Why are you so bossy?"

Alice grinned and pulled the dress over my head. "I like you, Bella Swan. You're crusty and somewhat scary to deal with, but I still like you. Being with me is good for your development. Plus, I need to learn to deal with all types of people."

"Why would you ever want to deal with people?" It sounded like insanity.

"I'm going to be Mayor of Forks someday."

Oh God. Alice Cullen has been renamed officially. She shall now be known as Teeny Tiny Dictator.

That tyrant continued, as she efficiently as a Drill Sargent braided my hair. "It's a stepping stone really. I'll move onto State Senate, Congress and finally take my place as leader of the free world. I have a binder that I have it all laid out by month. I have to start as Senior Class President, of course. Purse your lips."

"Oh." In my shock, the Teeny Tiny Dictator put lip stick on me. "Is this necessary?"

"No," she said with a wink. "Edward is going to love it, but he loves anything you wear. This will have Charlie satisfied that his punishment has been met."

"Wait...you didn't do this to fill some need to makeover things?"

"Your dad made a list." She held out a piece of notebook paper filled with chicken scratch.

I was going to replace the old man's beer with raspberry lime seltzer. I hope he likes fruity bubbles.

"Hey Teeny Tiny Dictator, why is your brother interested in me anyway? He's a nice person and I'm..."

"A female Oscar the Grouch. You just need a pet worm. Bella, Edward gets feelings about people. He either likes or dislikes them instantly. When you walked in the front door of school, he went all crazy eyed. He loved the hell out of you."

"Love?" I wanted to throw up, but that took effort.

My comforting dictator put me in front of the mirror. "Calm down, Oscar. Just have fun and go with the flow. You clean up pretty nicely."

I looked at myself in the purple dress and pink lips with my hair pulled back. I was pretty. I wanted to punch someone in the nose.

"Bells, Prince Charming is here!" Chief Charlie called up.

"I can't do this," I muttered.

"Yes, you can," she moved me towards the door. "Umm...Bella, you might be tempted to dump him during this date, but just try for me."

"What?"

"Nothing!" Her big eyes went wide and her smile was fake.

I walked down the stairs to find a gawking Charlie and Baseball Boy.

"Are you my kid?" My father inquired,

"You're on my list, old timer." I looked at my date nervously. He wore the preppy uniform of button down and khaki pants. He held a cactus out to me.

"Hey kid," I said taking the cactus. "Perfect. It's prickly like my disposition."

"No hives tonight. You look like a vision," Baseball Boy stated looking at me with adoration. It made me feel dizzy.

"You sound like a romantic comedy." I looked at my feet. "Umm...thanks."

He raised my face. "You are truly beautiful."

Damn charmer.

He kissed me softly, until Chief Charlie cleared his throat.

"Off you go, children."

"I'll bring her back safely, sir."

My dad smiled. "I'm sure you will, son. Have a good time."

Edward led me to his car and I felt fluttering in the pit of my stomach. I hoped it wasn't the start of something.

**AN: The date? You can try to guess if you want.**


	32. Chapter 32

**AN: Umm...enjoy?**

Chapter 32

We stood outside of a Victorian home, with twinkling lights on the trees. It was way past the Yule time holiday.

"Kid, why are we at Christmas house? Are we picking up some plastic reindeers? We can put them into an empty field and go reindeer tipping."

That actually sounded somewhat amusing.

"This is my home, Bella," he said proudly. "I wanted it to be festive."

There were lights everywhere. They must have bought out Home Depot. "You succeeded. I have a yearning for Christmas cookies and nog."

He held my hand tightly with a sweaty grip. "This is a bad idea. I'll just take you to a movie."

"We might as well go in," I stated. I dragged him towards the door. "I'm starving."

Once I forced the kid onto the porch, the front door swung open. In front of us stood an older man wearing long blue robes covering his body. Perched on his head was a large wizard's hat. He swooped his arm, "We have been waiting for you to join us in the fair kingdom of Esmetung! Enter if ye are pure of..."

"Dad! I told you I wanted to ease her into it!" The kid was bright red.

"I thought you already told her! Hello, Bella. I'm Dr. Cullen. It is a pleasure to finally meet you." The man shook my hand. "Welcome to family game night! Help yourself to the cauldron of chili on the dining room table. Edward's mom calls it The Royal Gruel."

Oh.

Baseball Boy took me into a room filled with people in various costumes. It looked like I was at some twisted Renaissance Faire. Prisms were hanging from lamps. There was even some long haired man pretending to play a lute in the corner along with the music that was being piped in from the stereo.

The kid waved at him distractedly, "Hey, Uncle Aro."

The man was too transfixed by his "music" to return the favor.

The giant was wearing cardboard sandwich board that was colored with markers, crayons and tinfoil. On his legs were women's suntan shade pantyhose. He raised his plastic sword. "Greetings and salutations, Prince Ed! I see your corralled your Swan for the festivities. Huzzah!"

"What are you supposed to be?" I looked at the Giant's pantyhose. They left very little to the imagination.

"I am a brave knight!" He stated proudly.

"It's more like Court Jester," I quipped.

The shock that was stifling my sarcasm was lifting. I think my nose was getting used to the smell of some nasty incense they were burning. I saw the Blond Bob Marley sniffing the air. He probably felt like he was at home. My dictator friend gave me an apologetic smile and adjusted her crown. This was madness.

"Bella, I know this is odd, but..."

"Baby, is this the fair Isabella? We have been hearing all about you!" A woman exclaimed. She was dressed in a flowing Renaissance dress and crown. In her arms she was carrying a pile of clothing. "Welcome to our kingdom, dear."

Baseball Boy and Teeny Tiny Dictator were being raised by crazy people. It was all coming together like a puzzle.

"Mom, I really need to explain some things to Bella." The kid was a nervous wreck and his hands were sweating.

"It's Queen Mom, Prince Edward!" She gave a benevolent smile. "Take her to the guest bedroom. Here's your costumes."

I turned to him and scowled. "Costumes? Do I look like I want to be an extra from The _Princess Bride_ or _Legend_?"

"I love Tom Cruise's portrayal of a hero in..." He started to explain pulling me up the stairs.

"I thought you only watched sports themed entertainment?"

We entered a room decorated with a floral motif. It was like a garden threw up in it. The kid closed the door and lead me to the bed and sat me down. He started pacing in front of me. "I might have not told you some things. I didn't want you to think I was a dork."

Well that ship had already sailed.

He continued, "I like fantasy. I read _Game of Thrones_ and _Dragon Lance_."

"Well...this is unexpected," I stated, as he sat next to me tentatively. "That doesn't explain the Medieval Times theme restaurant in your family's living room."

"You see my parents have this side gig going on." The kid swallowed and grabbed my waist and buried his head in my neck, he muttered, "They run _Dungeons and Dragons_ interactive game nights."

Well that was unexpected.


	33. Chapter 33

Chapter 33

I looked at Baseball Boy. I looked at the costumes on the bed. I looked at the crazy floral wallpaper.

"Give me the Guinevere costume." I held out my hand.

"You don't want to go home?"

"I'm here, so I might as well stay." I thought about the chili downstairs. I really like chili.

The kid grabbed his breeches. "I'll just go change in my room."

"Okay." I stared at the dress on the bed. How would I get that thing on?

There was a knock on the door and my untruthful dictator came in. "Are you decent?"

"I can't figure this out!" I glared at her. "Wasn't one dress bad enough? I deserved a warning about theatrical costuming!"

She looked sheepish. "You did, but Edward was so nervous! Are you kicking him to the curb?"

"Of course not," I stated as I tried to get into the newest torture device. "To be brutally honest, Teeny Tiny Dictator, this is a blessing. There was shock, but then acceptance. This is so much better than dinner and movie. Just seeing that giant wearing panty hose was enough to put it in my top ten most hilarious nights of my life."

"You really are perfect for Edward," The dictator said in awe. "Oh and stop calling me Teeny Tiny Dictator, Oscar."

"Never."

She chuckled helped me with the dress. It was strangely more comfortable. "Edward won't like it, but you can be my royal advisor."

"What do I have to do?" I asked, because I'm lazy and prefer to sit back and mock. "Will it be easier than what your brother would have me do?"

"He would explain the game to you and make you participate. On my team you can watch me crush the revolution!" She gave me an calculating smile. "I need bodies on my team and I always win."

"Long live the Teeny Tiny Dictator!" Then I grinned back at her. "However, if the kid needs me to throw you under the bus I will gladly do it."

"That will be fine," She agreed. I think I was actually friends with the dictator. Who would have ever believed it?

There was a knock of the door. Baseball Boy wore a tunic and breeches that made me immediately feel hot. I better not be getting the flu.

His face flushed when he looked at me. I'm sure he was the one that made me sick. His voice sounded deep when he said to his sister, "We'll be down in a minute."

I bet he had strep and gave it to me.

"Bella, you are the most gorgeous thing I've ever laid my eyes on." He walked over to me slowly.

"You look nice." I felt my chest feel hot. I bet it was the damn flu. I looked down and saw how much of my breasts were exposed. What the hell? The dictator distracted me with her jibber jabber.

"I don't feel very nice right now." The kid had me up against the bed.

I put my hand on his forehead. "You feel warm. I think you're getting sick."

"Sick from not having you in my arms." Baseball Boy took my arm and kissed the inside of my wrist. Oh...Oh...Oh...tunics make him a lusty boy and I'm his wench. I feel like I'm in one of those Harlequin romance novels I used to sneak from my mom. They are hilarious.

He grasped me by the waist and kissed me on the top of my exposed boobs. What was going on? I did, however, like it enough to go with the flow.

His mouth pressed onto mine and we fell back on the bed. His hands roamed down my body, feeling all of my nonexistent curves. My hands grabbed that ass of his that looked even better in breeches than in his baseball pants.

I was breathing heavily. I finally knew what they meant about heaving bosoms.

Baseball Boy pulled away and stared at my breasts. "Those are so much prettier than the ones in Emmett's _Playboys_."

Nice to know.

I attacked his face and pushed my body up so I felt every inch of him. I could feel something hard poke my leg and I was fairly sure it was his 'sword'.

I knew we needed to calm things down, because this wasn't really the best time or place for frolicking. That thought completely disappeared, as stuck my tongue down his throat causing him to make mewing sounds. That was great. I wanted to make him purr like a kitten. Maybe buy him a mouse to bat around.

Baseball Boy's hand pulled up the bottom of my long skirt. His hands traveled up my bare legs. It felt nice. No. It felt fantastic. I was urging him to move it upwards when the bedroom door swung open.

"Oh! I'm so sorry, Edward Cullen! What a horrible friend I am to burst in here this way! Please forgive me! I was sent by your mother, so we can start the game." It was Teeth. He was dressed like an elf with pointy fake ears. "Hello again, Isabella Swan! I am literally overjoyed to see you here tonight. Kate Hudson will be so happy to see you! She seems overwhelmed by the festivities."

"Hey Garrett, we'll see you downstairs," the kid said. He was blushing. Teeth left and my kid kissed my nose. "We can continue this later, lovely one."

He rolled off and then made a uncomfortable face. He looked down with an embarrassed face. "I need to change into my spare breeches. At least, I lasted longer this time."

"They say practice makes perfect," I stated with a tight smile.

I really, really hope so.


	34. Chapter 34

Chapter 34

Kate was standing against a wall. She was freaking out.

I would too. Teeth convinced her to wear a pair of pointy ears.

"Kate Hudson, I brought your dear friend to be with you. Edward Cullen needs my assistance to vanquish the ogres from our land. I literally need to roll the dice for our clan's survival. I shall come for you when it's Alice Cullen's turn to roll."

Teeth ran off to roll his dice. Kate's eyes were darting around her wildly.

"Mary Jane, are you tripping?"

"I wish I was, girl. This might seem normal to me if I was." She looked at me. "Why do I see your skin?"

"The Teeny Tiny Dictator bewitched me and I put it on. The kid seems to like it." He still seemed enchanted by the dress as he stared at me. Teeth tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

"I think Alice bewitched Jas, too. He's looking at her like she's the second coming of Jerry Garcia," Kate pointed to her ears. "I can't say anything. Garrett talked me into wearing fake elf ears."

"Indeed," I stated with a smirk.

Kate looked at me and my chest. "I see boobs, so I wouldn't be so smug, girl."

This is why I don't like people, but might have to like Kate.

Baseball Boy and Teeth came over sadly. Teeth slung his arm around Kate. "Kate Hudson, we were demolished by Alice Cullen. I am so saddened I actually want to have dip with my carrot sticks."

"Garrett, let's take the girls out back to look at the stars." My kid wrapped himself around my back. I didn't even want to punch him the gut.

"Actually, I was hoping to take Kate Hudson to my favorite spot by the pond at my house. The spring peepers literally sound like a symphony." I watched Kate get starry eyed and my nose wrinkled.

"I see that," my kid whispered in my ear. He bit my earlobe.

I looked back at him. "Watch the biting, Mister Man. You do it, then I do it. I'll leave a mark."

Something poked me in the back. Eighteen year old boys had excellent recovery time. I hoped Baseball Boy had some extra breeches.


	35. Chapter 35

**AN: I need coffee and I think you all need lute playing uncles. Enjoy.**

Chapter 35

"I shall play my lute for you!" He let out a high pitched giggle and clapped his hands. Baseball Boy's Uncle Aro was an odd duck.

He was a very pale man with long, stringy hair. He had added a Beatles _Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club _looking jacket to protect himself from the chill in the air. He started to strum the lute which was plastic and not at all functional. Uncle Aro started to sing. Off key. "The hills are wide. My love is deep. I bought you a muffin, which you did not eat. Oh love. Love. Muffins are not cheap. I will buy you a bagel and fill it with cream."

It was awful and brilliant.

I was sharing a chair with Baseball Boy. To be exact he was in the chair and I was on his lap. We were wrapped in a thick blanket looking at the stars up above. I was not a romantic soul, but it wasn't the worst way to spend the evening. It might even beat a made for TV movie.

"You need to tape this. Your uncle singing needs to be my ring tone." Then the man did that giggle again. "Never mind, instead of the song, I need that giggle for your calls. Which of your parents does he belong to?"

"He's my dad's little brother. He's umm...finding himself." Baseball Boy looked at his uncle. "Shouldn't you find Aunt Jane?"

"She'll yell at me." The moonlight made him look even paler. He was like a ghost. Casper the tone deaf ghost.

"No, it will be fine. Go find dad." He smiled patiently at his uncle, who gave a timid wave and shuffled inside. "Aunt Jane really isn't yelling at him. She's just unnaturally loud and Uncle Aro is a nervous guy. I wouldn't let him get yelled at."

"You might be the nicest person I've ever met." I touched his face. "I'm not. You understand this, right?"

He place his finger on my chest. "I know that inside of you is the sweetest and nicest girl I've ever met. You have a hard shell, but a sweet candy center. You're like a Reece's Pieces candy."

"Oh."

"What do you think of living on a star?" He questioned looking up in the sky. He rubbed my arm.

I chuckled. "We would be burnt to a crisp in less than a second."

"Oh right! I forgot about that. I suppose that wouldn't be a good idea. How about living underwater in a submarine? That could be fun."

"Hey kid?"

"Yes?"

I kissed him.

"What was that for?" He asked with a smile.

"For you, just being you."


	36. Chapter 36

Chapter 36

I was pretty confident that the giant's girlfriend was a fake.

Either he made her up or it was a scam on the Internet. He did mail her fifty bucks after all.

This Rosie never showed up to the Cullen family Dungeons and Dragons hoedown. The giant was melancholy because she was supposed to dress in a "slutty toga".

Of course, she was.

Baseball Boy and I sat with him at Fork's Family Diner as he consumed enough food to feed a small European country. The citizens of Luxembourg would go hungry this day due to the giant's insane consumption of anything put in front of his face.

"I'm sure she's fine, Emmett. Maybe she wasn't allowed to drive all the way to Forks. Aren't her parents really strict?" My kid was as delusional as the big guy.

"Yeah...but...she promised! What if she got into an accident on the highway?" Food flew out of his mouth and onto the table.

"Hey Godzilla, chew your food before you talk. You're spraying me and I have a need to poke you in the eye with a fork." I waved my fork in his direction.

The giant sighed. "You're so lucky, Ed. Your girl is always around and..."

"Not intentionally. He forces me to accompany him with his sheer perseverance. I could be happily napping right now," I said.

"Isn't she brilliant!" My kid exclaimed and he hugged me. "She's so silly!"

Cue eye roll.

"Yeah man, Bella's a riot," the giant agreed, cramming fries in his mouth hole. "But she's no Rosie. My girl is the sexiest thing in the world."

"I would have to disagree with that statement! My Bella is the personification of beauty!" Baseball Boy was scowling at his friend.

"Easy now, tiger." I patted my kid's knee. He smiled at me. I knew the way to make him happy.

The giant looked sad. "No offense, man. Rosie is just everything I've ever dreamed about."

A blonde bombshell who loved fixing cars and watching porn. The giant's delusions came true in an Internet chat room for teenagers who still loved Backstreet Boys. I imagined this becoming a bad after school special. Damn it. I need to stop the insanity. No one else was thinking rationally. I hated caring.

"What should I do?" The giant whined.

I threw my hands in the air. "Not meet girls on Backstreet Boys chat rooms. You're probably talking to some coke bottle glasses wearing guy named Moe. Giant, use your brain. Like the dinosaurs, it's the size of a pea, but it's in there. I'm being mean, but for once it's for you own good. Furthermore, while I'm on a soapbox, you can't steal people's onion rings. It's just rude and..."

"Emmie, baby...I'm so sorry!" A blonde bombshell ran over wearing overalls covered in grease. "Your parents told me you were here. I'm eighteen and I won't be away from you any longer!"

"Rosie, my love!" They started going at it like rabbits in the booth.

I muttered, "Well I'll be damned."

"You were right, Bella. He does need to be more careful. You do care for other people!" Baseball Boy stated as I wrinkled up my nose. He swooped in to peck it. "Isn't it so nice that she really is his perfect girl? Hey...umm...you want to make out too?"

Why not?


	37. Chapter 37

CB 37

"I'm not asking you to be nice to them, because that would be like asking pigs to fly or ducks to tango. Just try to be not as mean," Chief Charlie said. He was just being cruel. "Billy and Harry are worried about how the boys are going to be treated. It's bad enough they're from a rival school, but you know how they are..."

I did indeed know how Jacob Black and Seth Clearwater. They were born to annoy me.

It was horrible that Paul Smith burnt down Quileute High School with a stink bomb, but it was even more horrible that I was forced to show those two yahoos around. It wasn't that they were freshmen, it was that they were idiots.

"No." The old man must be drinking in the A.M.

"What Bella means is that it will be no problem, sir." My kid was a kiss ass.

"Oh it will be a problem, son. You haven't met those boys yet," my father stated sagely. He knew. He was also best friends with their dads, so he tolerated Jacob and Seth. Barely.

Two pickup trucks pulled in the driveway and out came Twiddle Dee and Twiddle Dum.

They were dressed in suits and gold chains.

Billy and Harry looked mortified. Billy gave an embarrassed smile. "Hey Charlie. Thank you for taking them to school today, Bella."

"I'm so very sorry, Bella." Harry looked at his feet.

"It's Bellsie B, the most smokin' gurl in the hiz house!" Jacob called. He did a spin. "You like my swag, gurl?"

"No." He was going to be at the bottom of the ocean before this day was done.

"Hi, I'm Edward..."

Jacob ignored him. The douche. "Bella, my honeybee, may I introduce..."

"The smoothest fly brother in Washington State. It is I, Don Juan. Hey, baby," Seth crooned.

He tried to kiss my hand and jabbed him hard in the forehead.

"Oww! Come on, gurl!" He cried.

"Do it again, Bella," Harry said. "Maybe, you'll knock some sense into him."

"Don't let their negativity make you down, Don Juan. All the fly honeys will be ready to ride our fine bodies." Jacob smoothed out his jacket.

The two of them would be lucky to weigh 100 pounds wet. The looked like the were nine and should be playing with Tonka trucks, not themselves. The thought of which made me gag.

"They're fun!" Baseball Boy exclaimed.

As fun as a root canal. It was going to be a long day.


	38. Chapter 38

Chapter 38

I'll admit I was hiding. I wasn't embarrassed by Jacob Black and Seth Clearwater. I was never one to care what others thought about me. It was the simple fact, that those two were driving me insane with their horrible pick up lines and nonsensical freestyle rapping. It was far too tempting to lock them in the school basement so they would leave me alone.

I peeked out of the girl's bathroom and I thought I was in the clear until...

"There you are, gurl! I was searching for you everywhere! Bizzie Swan of hotness is back in the house! Did you have the runs? You were in there forever!" Jacob Black had only one volume. It was loud.

"Please tell me you are leaving for the day. I will give you money for the bus."

"Nah, gurl! I was waiting for you to take me to lunch! You can be my sugar mama!"

"No."

"No what?"

"No to every word that is coming out of that gigantic mouth of yours." I stomped down the hall. He followed like a puppy. I wasn't a proponent of kicking puppies, but I was a proponent of tripping Jacob and as he stumbled making a quick getaway.

"Bella!" He whined. "Don Juan has a different lunch period! I don't want to sit by myself!"

He looked nervous and sad. I was the Grinch and my heart was starting to grow. Damn it. I blamed Baseball Boy.

"Fine, you overgrown Teletubby, you can sit with me. Do not speak. Do not try to rub my leg with your foot, because I will remove it and use it like a lucky rabbit's foot."

He put his hands up to protect himself. "Dude, that's really scary!"

"The sound of your voice is so obnoxious that I literally want to perform violent acts. So be quiet like a little mouse and don't tempt me."

He was quiet for approximately two minutes.

"Gurl, your man is sitting with another gurl! O! M! G! Are you going to cry? Don't cry! I'll comfort you!" I could barely comprehend the verbal vomit that was erupting from Jacob. "Her boobies are huge!"

I watched as Angela Webber sat across from my Baseball Boy. She smiled at him. He smiled back. It was an entirely innocent interaction. He wasn't touching her hand. She wasn't giving him those ridiculous, flirtatious giggles. There was no reason for me to feel these completely foreign emotions. Rage. Jealousy.

"Shut your trap, Black. You are going to sit with Boobs and distract her with your bizarre love of _The Wonder Pets_."

He jumped up and down, then did a little clap. "They're like my dad's taxidermy animals, but they talk! Do you think she likes _The Wonder Pets_?"

"I could care less, but you are going to tell her all about them." I grabbed his sleeve and pulled him towards the table.

Kid was mine.


	39. Chapter 39

Chapter 39

"Are you thinking _The Wonder Pets_ are bewitched?" My kid asked in curiosity, his fingers were twisting my hair.

This wasn't working out exactly as I planned. It seemed Baseball Boy was amazed by a television program that was geared for preschoolers and taxidermists. Boobs, on the other hand, was only interested in babbling in my ear.

"Do you like writing? We need a reviewer for the school newspaper. I think you would be fantastic!" She smiled. She was always smiling. It was like Baseball Boy and I didn't like it one bit. "Eric Yorkie was our original critic, but people kept writing letters to the editor and making him cry."

Poor Eric. I wonder if intense chess tournaments made him cry too.

Wait...join the newspaper? Was Boobs insane?

"I don't like doing things," I stated. I liked being lazy as a slug. It really is one of my favorite personality traits.

Boobs just grinned. "You'll be great! You don't care what people think about you. I find it admirable."

I find you to be an insufferable kiss ass.

"Angela, I don't do clubs, sports, community outreach, good deeds..."

She just smiled. "You're really perfect for Edward! We were a horrible combination when we dated."

What?

Did I hear that correctly?

Am I in my own private hell?

"I will most definitely join the newspaper staff," I said, without truly examining the ramifications. I was keeping this enemy so close, she would be able to smell the onions I just consumed on my breath.

"Great!" Boobs squealed with a clap. "We should go to a movie! There's a new Kate Hudson movie starting this weekend!"

The only Kate Hudson I could tolerate was the silly former pot head.

"I don't know..."

Boobs kept prattling on, as I heard my kid exclaim, "You made them little outfits with matching fedoras!"

"My dad thought it was whack, but they just kept staring at me. The squirrel looked like he wanted some swag. So I got out Ma's sewing machine and made him a suit. The rest of his crew looked jealous, so I had to make them some fine ensembles. The moose head was hard, so I just put a pirate's eye patch and matching hat on him."

"Can I come over and see them!" Baseball Boy exclaimed with glee.

To quote Jacob Black, I blurted out, "O. M. G."


	40. Chapter 40

Chapter 40

"Bella, could you wait up?" Baseball Boy was almost sprinting to catch up. I was gasping for air. It was not in my nature to do anything quickly.

"I need to get home." I started to jog. Why do people do this to themselves? I started to breathe even harder. Running is evil.

"I drove you! We also need to take Jake and Seth home." My kid grabbed my arm and made me stop. "Tell me what's wrong."

I felt like my face was burning up, as my chest rose up and down rapidly. "I would prefer not to see Jacob Black's den of dressed up animal corpses. Thank you very much, but I'll take my chances and hitchhike. Maybe a nice trucker will take me back it Casa Swan."

"That's not funny and usually you're hilarious." He looked at me and eyes narrowed as he took in my hyperventilating and sweat. My kid licked his lips. "I have never seen anything as beautiful as you."

"Go tell it to your girlfriend, Bo...Angela." I stomped away from him, but not for long.

Baseball Boy tossed me over his shoulder and carried me to the bleachers near the football field. I yelled at him the whole time.

"Be quiet, my pretty girl," he demanded and sat me down.

I was speechless. My kid was even more attractive when he was bossy. Not that I would let that behavior slide or let anyone live if they found out the truth. I have a reputation to uphold.

"How dare..."

He put his hand over my mouth. "I know you are very tempted to bite me right now, but save it for later. Emmett says it's fun and we should try it."

I licked him and my kid laughed.

"That's not going to work either." He stroked my face. "I'm not even a little attracted to Angela Cheney. We dated in second grade."

Rationally, I knew that a second grade romance was ridiculous. However, Baseball Boy made me insane. I mumbled in his hand, "Did you kiss her?"

"In second grade, I thought girls had cooties. No, I didn't kiss her." He removed his hand. "There's only one girl I want to kiss."

"I have cooties."

"I love your cooties," he admitted with a wink. "I'm going to make you forget all about Angela."

He kissed me and I felt it all over. I was becoming one of those stupid Kate Hudson movies that Boobs was planning on dragging me to.

"Ed! I was looking for you everywhere!" Emmett called out. He had been absent, which normally would be relaxing if Jacob and Seth hadn't been at school.

"Are you feeling okay?" My kid asked. "You didn't try to eat moldy fruit again, did you?"

"Naw, Ed, I learned my lesson! I'm actually the luckiest dude on the planet." Emmett did a jig. It looked like a floundering water buffalo. "Baby, give it to them!"

Rosalie was behind him in ripped jeans and smacking her gum. She placed a piece of pink construction paper folded like a card in my hands. One of them had drawn hearts on it and covered it with glitter. I was covered in the sparkly stuff. I hated sparkles. I was going to shove this glitter bomb up Emmett's...

"You're going to be my Maid of Honor," she announced and then continued chewing her gum like a cow chews its cud.

It was a wedding invitation. This was lunacy. This was insanity. This was...

"The best news ever!" My kid yelled.

Sure.


	41. Chapter 41

**AN: Oh these two crazy kids**

Chapter 41

Chief Charlie worked the evening shift every other week. These were the nights that Baseball Boy came over to listen to music. That was what was supposed to happen, because I thought it was best to try to get him to listen to music I enjoy. I could only play tonsil hockey in my kid's car for so long to Barry Manilow and Billy Joel. It was a Isabella Swan mood killer.

Well that was how the nights were supposed to go. Eat popcorn and listen to music. Instead, as soon as I saw my kid next to my bed, I would pounce at start eating his face.

Tonight was another one if those times when Baseball Boy was attacked as soon as I let him in the door. Like a zombie looking for brains, I attached myself to his neck and pulled him up the stairs.

"Take off your shirt," I demanded as I pushed him down on the bed.

"We should talk."

"Are you breaking up with me?"

He looked appalled. "Never! You are my angel! My vision of everything sweet and pure in the world..." I rolled my eyes and pulled off my own shirt. He moaned, "Boobs."

I unhooked my bra. His eyes widened. "Take off your shirt. That way we'll be even."

"Yes, ma'am." The shirt came off and I saw his pretty skin. He really was far to good looking to be real. I would never admit that though. If someone tried to out me, they would lose their tongue. It was a cruel punishment, but I needed to keep my street cred.

"Boobs. So pretty." He poked them. "So soft."

He poked them again. And again. It seems that real breasts in front of his face made him lose the rest of his brain cells.

"Stop with the poking." I moved his hand away and his body fell forward. His lips hovered over my bare nipple.

"Can I kiss it?"

"Sure."

It felt good. The kind of good that I had never imagined before. Baseball Boy was enjoying it to with all the sucking and groping he was doing. Then he mumbled between slurps, "Mama..."

What?

It hit me that he might have mentally regressed to his infant days when Mama Cullen used to nurse him. That was not happening.

I pushed him off and his teeth grazed my skin. "Oww."

"What? Huh? Why did we stop? Didn't you like it?" He looked utterly confused. His eyes were transfixed on my bosom.

"These things are empty, Farmer Brown." I gave him the evil eye. "If you would like some milk, please kindly go to the refrigerator where a carton is awaiting you."

"What are you talking about?"

"You said 'Mama'."

He buried his face in his hands. "I'm so sorry!"

"Uh huh."

"It's better we stop anyway," he took my hand. "I want our first night to be special."

"I hate candles and roses."

"Our wedding night."

I wanted to vomit. "No."

"You know good and well that we're going to get married."

He was obsessed with the idea, since that giant numbskull decided to get engaged to Pamela Anderson in overalls. They were all insane.

"No."

"Isabella Swan, will you..."

"No."

"I'll just keep asking!"

"Don't." I pulled my hands away and grabbed my shirt. "I'm going to it this back on."

He looked conflicted. "Don't. Please."

"Only if you promise to kiss me without muttering anything about marriage and mothers," I warned. "I will cut your lips off from touching mine."

"Fine, but only for now." He kissed me quickly. "I'll get you in a white dress sooner or later."

"Shut up and kiss me."

And he did.


	42. Chapter 42

**AN: I really have no issue with Kate Hudson. Maybe a little. It's called Glee.**

**Edward's POV? Should I do this? Is it insanity?**

Chapter 42

I was sitting at a Kate Hudson movie with a Kate Hudson. A Kate Hudson who was just about as thrilled as I was to be sitting in a dark theater with Boobs. She whispered to me, "Why are you doing this to me, girl?"

"I shall not suffer alone." I looked up at the dark ceiling and imagined horrible things happening to actress Kate Hudson, Boobs and the Teeny Tiny Dictator who refused to shut her trap.

"Isn't this the cutest thing? I wonder though why she had to wear heels to run in the subway?" Dictator inquired.

Because it's the dumbest movie ever, since the last Kate Hudson movie.

She wouldn't shut up. "Also, if she's engaged to the man who is always reading the newspaper wouldn't she just break up with him before romantically stalking the music guy?"

If actress Kate Hudson did such a thing, this stupid movie would make sense. It would also end a lot faster which would make this evening so much better.

"I think it's romantic. Don't you, Bella?" Boobs asked.

Like gouging my eye out with a knitting needle.

"I think it's cute," Trailer Trash Barbie admitted, smacking her gum loudly. I was going to rip the gum out of her mouth and choke the giant with it. He wanted us to be friends. Maybe if she would stop picking her sparkling pink nail polish and leaving it's flakes all over my truck.

Real Kate Hudson groaned. "As cute as maggots and skunked beer."

That's my girl.

"Mary Jane, I'm surprised. I thought you would be inclined to mention weak pot."

"Bella, girl, that's something you never joke about." Real Kate Hudson was dead serious.

Some old lady behind us hissed, "Hush!"

The theater was empty like at most Kate Hudson movies, so I had no idea why the old bat had to sit right behind us.

The rest of the movie was Dictator blabbing, Trailer Trash Barbie smacking her Bubble Yum, Boobs trying to bond with me and the real Kate Hudson trying to take a nap. If this was what a Girl's Night entailed I would pass from now on.

After another hour of horrible we went out into the lobby to the blinding bright lights. I rubbed my eyes. "That's two hours that I'll never get back."

"What are you going to say in your review?" Boobs asked. She looked concerned. Good.

"It sucked."

"Anything else?"

"No."

"I like that review. Simple." Kate nodded her head at the thought.

"You have to write some more than that."

"Teeny Tiny Dictator, rummage through your big purse, find a notepad and take some notes."

"I can record you on my phone." She held up her fancy phone. Spoiled Cullen children.

"This movie is hideous. A certain individual will love it. An idiot. If I wanted to waste ten dollars, I would have been better off ripping that ten dollars up and throwing it around like confetti. The romance is contrived and the actors are phoning in their performances. However, feel free to waste you time and money on this hot mess." They all looked at me with their mouths open. "On that note, I have to pee."

I went to the bathroom having a feeling that I was being followed. If Teeny Tiny Dictator was going to try and change my mind about the movie, I swear...

"Hey there, Bella."

It's was the cheerleader of evil, Tanya Denali.

"Denali, I have... umm...friends, I guess, out there and..."

She kissed me.

Who would have ever believed I was right after all?


	43. Chapter 43

Chapter 43

Tanya Denali's breath tasted like onions and stale Cheetos. The combination was unpleasant to say the least.

I flew away from her and pressed myself against a door. "What was that?"

"You knew the truth! I always knew you could see right through me with those beautiful brown eyes," she stated.

"No." Hello there, _Single White Female_.

"This is destiny."

"This is delusional and bordering on a one way ticket to crazy town," I tried to intimidate her with my glare. I don't think it made an effect due to it being so close to my normal facial expression. "All aboard the lunatic train."

"You're so adorable." Tanya Denali moved in closer. I slipped away.

"I'm not even close to adorable. When I grow old it's destiny for me to be a curmudgeon with lots of cats and perhaps a large mole on the side of my nose with dark hairs growing out of it." I dodged her advances again. "You tried to stuff me in a locker, trip me in the hall..."

"You only hurt the ones you love!" She almost grabbed my elbow.

I swerved next to the stalls. "No. I don't agree with that one bit."

She huffed and puffed. Tanya Denali was surprisingly out of shape for a cheerleader. She wheezed, "It's an expression."

"A horrible one." I tried to dodge her by jumping on the counter with the sinks. "I thought you like my kid?"

"Edward?" She looked confused, as I nodded in the affirmative. "It's always been you! Kiss me!"

With that reeking breath? Never! Oh and the fact I was dating Baseball Boy.

I slid off the counter, out the door and into my boy's arms. "Save me."

"What'a wrong?" He held me tight.

"That whacked out cheerleader attacked me."

"She touched you?"

"With her lips." I grabbed his hair and pulled him close. "I'm scared."

He looked her and kissed my head. "She's mine."

Whoa there, Mr. Possessive.

"That remains to be seen," Tanya said with a scowl.

Sure it was. I just told her that I wasn't interested. These people needed to stop with the selective hearing.

"There shall be a duel!" My kid exclaimed.

Emmett who had found his Trailer Trash Barbie pulled away from making out to exclaim, "Huzzah!"

Oh well. It might be funny.


	44. Chapter 44

Chapter 44

It was a fact that Emmett's yard was a dangerous place. I was hopping over twisted pieces of metal. There were one eyed stuffed animals creepily staring out of the grass. Every couple of feet there was a rusted husk of an old car.

"My parents would let you use our yard for the wedding," my kid offered.

The giant just grinned. "Naw, it will only take a couple minutes of clean up."

Maybe with a back hoe and some lighter fluid.

"I can get the cars fixed up before the wedding." Trailer Trash Barbie stroked a dented Honda Civic. "Emmie's daddy and momma are giving them to us for a wedding present."

It was an ingenious way to get the pieces of junk off the yard. I was somewhat impressed.

"I still think my house would work better." My kid looked at the dirty objects on the lawn with a grimace. "You won't have to wait to have the ceremony."

"Maybe you should wait until you...oh, I don't know...graduate...get a job..." I tripped over a dirty tricycle and my kid caught me. "Maybe you can save up enough money to have the reception at the playscape at McDonald's."

"I like Quarter Pounders," Trailer Trash Barbie admitted, as she chomped on her gum. I could swear it was the same piece she was chewing at the movies. If I had any inclination or drive I would buy her a new pack of Juicy Fruit or Bubblicious. However, my laziness probably wasn't going to be doing her any favors. With the constant sugar on her teeth, Trailer Park Barbie would be toothless by 26. Looking around me, I could see that without teeth she would fit right in.

"I know how you like to be pounded by my quarters, baby," the giant crooned at his lady. It made absolutely no sense, like this wedding. He turned to me. "I wish we could have it at Mickey D's, little Swan. The Happy Meal toys could be the wedding favors. However, we want to get hitched fast. We are going to have a potluck. Whatcha making, Swan?"

"A box of Triscuits and package of Oreos."

"Sweet!" The giant gave a fist pump.

"I'll be making a pot roast for Bella and I to bring," Baseball Boy announced.

Of course, he was. Wedding kiss ass.

"If Emmie's Ed is going to fight that chick, we should have it be a show for the reception," Trailer Trash Barbie said with a chomp, chomp, chomp. "It's like Ultimate Fighting."

"Rosie, you are brilliant my buxom Meerkat!" The giant started licking her face. It was gross.

"There isn't going to be a fight! Tanya will see my love for Bella. How love conquers all. She will then step aside to let true love flourish." Baseball Boy hugged me to his side.

"You just stated the mantra of every horrible romantic movie everywhere, Sandra Bullock." I pinched his butt and smirked when he jumped. "Life isn't that cheese ball."

My kid just ignored me. "I never took Tanya to be a lesbian! How amazing! It came out of left field. How bizarre!"

"My whole life is bizarre, since meeting you. Up is down. Low is high. Cheerleader of evil likes boobies." I pinched my kid's butt again. I did like touching it. "Did you feel that? Is this real? I would pinch myself, but I like pinching you better."

My kid blushed. "I like you pinching me better too."

A large woman walked out onto the rickety porch. "Emmett Dale, don't you get that girl knocked up until your wedding night!"

"Aww Ma!"

I always wanted to go to a redneck wedding. It looked like I finally was getting my chance.

Trailer Trash Barbie tapped me on the shoulder. "We're looking for dresses at The Salvation Army. I like fuchsia and ruffles."

Never mind, I didn't want to go that much.


	45. Chapter 45

**AN: Here by popular demand...your turn Twiddler83 and I am Batman!**

Chapter 45 (EPOV)

"This is literally going to be the best day ever!" Garrett exclaimed.

I wish I could feel that joyous. I stayed up way too late watching _ESPN_. I was sleepy and even though I knew the Celtics were going to lose I just had to torture myself by watching the replay of the game. It was like my life was the replay, because nothing ever changed. Wake up. Go to school. Go to baseball practice. Use my mom's sewing machine to make my wizard costume for our _Dungeon and Dragons_ tournament. Finally, go to the sleep of the sounds of balls bouncing on television. Edward Cullen's perfect life. I hated it.

"I'm going to talk to her!" He exclaimed. Garrett was the most positive guy I know. He was also in love with Kate Hudson who talked really slow. I tried to ask her a question in trig and it took her ten minutes to answer me. She must be really relaxed. "Why are you so glum, chum?

We were sitting at the cluster of picnic tables outside of the cafeteria. It was the first day that wasn't cloudy and depressing. My mood should be positive like Garrett's but...

Emmett sat down heavily and pulled open a backpack filled with just his lunch. "Ed needs to get laid, Garrett."

"Edward Cullen is looking for love!" Garrett knew exactly how I felt.

"You two little girls should date each other..." He stared a a table a few feet away from us. "It's the new girl!"

I looked over and my heart started beating madly. Her face was like a delicate doll with lips made to be touching mine. Her hair seemed so soft that my fingers twitched to see if the locks felt like silk. I could get happily lost in the burnished umber that were her eyes. She was a...

I whispered, "She's the picture of beauty."

"She looks like a crotchety hobo." Emmett's observation was not appreciated. He started to eat his Italian Sub.

"She's the most beautiful hobo ever!" It was true, her clothing were ill fitting and tattered. I wonder if she would dislike me buying her new outfits? I noticed her tattered copy of _A Clockwork Orange_. I wonder if it was a lighthearted comedy that all girls liked. An _Anne of Green Gables_ or one of those tales by Jane Austen? I should get a copy and we can read the story together. Our own private book club...those lips...mine...touching...

"That's Isabella Swan, the daughter of our esteemed police chief. I introduced myself to her this very morning. She literally ran the other way. I think she's shy," Garrett observed.

A shy delicate flower just waiting to be plucked and worshipped by a man like me. I wonder if she would like to see my _Lord of the Rings_ dolls... I mean action figurines.

"Oh snap! I take back the hobo jab! That tiny girl in ugly clothes is awesome!" Emmett exclaimed. "Look at her coffee mug!"

It wasn't hers. _World's Best Teacher_ was written on the white porcelain. It was Mr. Molina's. She must have borrowed it from the Teacher's Lounge,

"The little klepto stole it!" Emmett was overjoyed. "Let's keep her!"

I glared at him. "She's mine."

My friends looked at me in shock.

That's when I saw the school mean girl, Tanya approach my destiny. She tossed a book at the beautiful Bella. "What is that? I need to stop Tanya!""

"Dude, it's that porn book, _50 Shades of Grey_. Ma likes to read it in her bedroom. There always grunting coming out of the room when she's in there. I think Harvey sneaks in there to get his belly rubbed," Emmett said with a shrug.

Harvey was Emmett's pet pot belly pig. It made sense. That pig was noisy.

Garrett watched as Bella looked at the book and at Tanya. "I think Isabella Swan will be fine."

I watched as Bella started to read out loud to a red faced and sweaty Tanya. I wondered if Tanya was getting a fever, she looked breathless. Then Bella started making hand movements that were making me get warm and I felt a little breathless. I wonder if the flu was going around school.

Bella started to chuckle. It was a lovely sight. I was instantly hard. This was so embarrassing! I wasn't watching women's tennis, after all.

Tanya stomped away and rubbing her chest. It was definitely a virus of some sort. I watched her read a little more and make a disgusted face like she was going to be sick. She threw the book into the nearest trash can.

That was when I saw her face. Bella wrinkled her nose and bit her lip. I exploded. It felt sticky.

"Whoa there, Moby Dick!" Emmett exclaimed. "There he blows!"

My future wife gave me a weird look and walked into school.

"Hey Edward Cullen, I think you might want to change before you introduce yourself to Isabella Swan." Garrett gave me a sympathetic look.

I could only hoped I had an extra pair of gym shorts.


	46. Chapter 46

Chapter 46

The Salvation Army had slim pickings. I wrinkled my nose at the garish formal wear Trailer Trash Barbie pulled out. They were ghastly.

Instead of offending my eyes, dove into my cart of cheap goods. I had no need for a scrapped up fry pan, but it might be needed to fend off the Cheerleader of Evil.

Teeny Tiny Dictator went into my cart. She pulled out the oversized bowling shirt that I found on aisle 6. She sniffed it and looked ill. "Why do you need a XXXL bowling shirt?"

"It says Big Al and its the Twin Peaks Adult Emporium team. How can I not buy this and wear it to school tomorrow?" I stroked the blue and silver polyester shirt. It was hideous brilliance. "Actually, do you want it? It says Al. It can be your name tag shirt. I'm sure Bob Marley needs help remembering your name."

"He can't even remember his own, girl." Kate was snickering in the corner. "This is great!"

She held up an apron. It had a plate of brownies covered in illustrated pot leaves on it and the tag line read, _The High Life_. It was, of course, tie-dyed.

"I'm sure Teeth will love it, Mary Jane," I stated and wiggled my eyebrows.

"Damn," she muttered and put it back. Truth be told, Teeth would just smile and hug her if she wore it. Like Baseball Boy acted towards me, Teeth thought Kate walked on water. She was trying to be good for him. See him through clear eyes. Sucker.

I wonder if my kid wanted me to get him this Forks Junior League baseball cap? I threw it the cart.

"I see some wonderful dresses!" Boobs announced. She was so positive that I wanted to put her in a polyester grandma sweatshirt with kittens all over it. If she could find something nice to say about it I would cut her some slack. Actually, I wouldn't. I hated her around my kid.

Dictator looked at the light pink taffeta in horror. I had a similar thought, but refused to make a disgusted face. That would take effort. She looked at Trailer Trash Barbie. "Are you sure we can't go to the bridal mall, Rose?"

"Nope." The girl chomped on her gum. "I think it's classy."

Yes. It was classy on prom night in 1986, when the big banged girl who wore it lost her virginity to Lionel Richie's _Hello_. I couldn't stop a shudder.

"Look there's enough for everybody! Boobs called out happily. "They only cost a dollar!"

Damn you, Boobs.

"I also found you a dress, Rosie!" She shouted, pulling out a lace and bead monstrosity. There were some questionable yellow stains on the white fabric.

Trailer Trash clapped in glee and I watched in amusement.

This might be fun after all.


	47. Chapter 47

**AN: I do adore Planet Blue's Deviant. It makes me think of mustaches, tattoos, motorcycles and men compensating for...umm...things. It also gave me ideas for this chapter! Enjoy!**

**EPOV is up next. Why? Why not.**

Chapter 47

The guy sat on his motorcycle and stared at us. He rubbed his sparse mustache that made him looked like he took a pencil and drew it in. Somebody wished he was Johnny Depp. It was also way too warm a day to wear a leather jacket. Idiot.

Boobs hands started fluttering. Her face flushed. "Who is that? He has a Harley!"

Boobs secretly wanted to be a biker chick. Who would have ever guessed?

He hopped off his pig or hog, whatever bikers these days called their replacements for their tiny man parts to stroll towards us.

"How do I look?" Boobs grabbed my hands in a panic.

I shooed her away. "One second away from convulsing."

"Hello ladies," the stranger said with a wink.

I gave him two thumbs up. "Eh, Fonzie."

"What?" The man looked confused.

"Richie is at Al's having malts with the gang. You might want to rush on over before the Twister competition starts." I rolled my eyes. Don't any of these people obsessively watch TV?

"What?" The stranger was easily confused.

"A _Happy Days_ joke! Bella, you're so funny!" Boobs giggled and batted her eyelashes at the guy.

"I like your smart mouth," he said to me.

"I like the idea of you walking away and leaving me alone."

Boobs stuck her hand out. "I'm Angela! Bella likes to kid around."

That's a lie. I meant every word.

"I'm Ben." He kissed her hand, looking at me the whole time. "I was just checking out my new school. I'm thinking about dropping out already. Is this place cool?"

Oh joy.

"I have no idea, Beauty School Drop Out." I looked around for my kid. "I'm positive there are better places for you to be. Maybe dying your hair pink?"

Fonzie was confused again. "What?"

"_Grease_!" Boobs giggled. I wish she would just mount him and they would go away.

"Bella, I don't get your jokes, but I would love to _have_ you on my bike," he stated. I was pretty certain it wasn't for a quick jaunt around the block.

My kid came up and wrapped his arms around me. "Is everything okay here?"

I looked at Fonzie and grabbed my boy's face. I kissed him, until he moaned. "I would love to _have_ my kid on your bike. I would let you watch, but you might feel intimated. My kid has pretty impressive riding skills."

Boobs squeaked, "I'll ride with you!"

"Fine," Fonzie said and took Boobs over to his bike. He called out to me, "I'm keeping my eyes on you!"

"Keep you eyes on the road, Fonz."

My kid asked, "What was the kiss for?"

"Staking my claim." I squeezed his butt and he laughed.

It was my favorite sound.


	48. Chapter 48

Chapter 48 (EPOV)

Bella has nicknames for everybody. It is one of those aspects of her personality that makes her particularly charming. I find them to be extremely creative. Of course, I have no idea what they're in reference to. The way she thinks of obscure things so quickly on her feet is amazing. I've been writing them on my arm to remember what she's been talking about, then looking my arm notes up on the computer. I'm still confused and ink stained. The Sharpie was a bad idea.

This was what I was thinking about as we sat at the picnic tables. Emmett was trying to draw what the tuxedos looked like. They were found in a box at his Uncle Leroy's house. My fingers twisted in sweet Bella's shiny locks.

"You're going to look like a giant blueberry," Bella stated, awaking me from my love stupor. "What the hell are those, Gigantor?"

"The shirts have ruffles, grumpy." Emmett looked at her. "You resemble that Grumpy Cat on the computer."

"Is that supposed to be an insult? I think that's the best compliment I've ever gotten." Bella wrinkled her nose. Why does she do that to me? I kissed it. She smirked. It's so pretty. "At least your ruffle shirts will match those God awful pink monstrosities Trailer Trash Barbie picked out. We look like a cotillion gone wrong."

I couldn't help, but I sniffed her hair. It smelled like strawberries or tulips. Maybe...

"Kid, why are you sniffing me?"

I couldn't help smiling. "You smell like you were rolling around in a bathtub of flowers."

"It's Pert Plus," she sniffed her hair. "Nope, I haven't washed it in a couple of days. It's more like sweat and...hmm...garlic. I need a shower."

I imagined her naked. It made me feel things. Pant changing things. I needed to think about subjects that wouldn't cause eruptions like baseball, pickled pig's feet, ogres, Grandmother Cullen's bunions, my Bella's beautiful tendrils...

"My favorite smells reside in your hair, my dove," I blurted out. I had to shift from where my manly parts were pressing into my jeans.

Emmett muttered, "Bad idea, Ed."

"No." Bella gave me the evil eye.

"No?" I squeaked.

She squeezed my knee roughly. I really liked it. Then she licked her lips. Oh God. "No. Let me explain a couple things to you. Don't call me 'dove'. I'm not a damn bird. You will never call me 'baby', because does it look like I need you to change my poo poo? I'm not an angel, so unless I sprout wings, keep it to your damn self. I know how you feel about me so you don't need to call me 'love'. If you start calling me 'lover', it will be an unneeded title if you get my drift."

Bella was like a rampaging goddess. It was beautiful. It was seductive. I kissed her hard and without even thinking I squeezed her breast. It wasn't an accident.

She returned the favor and took a handful of my bottom. Bella really liked her hands there.

"Damn it, guys! I'm gonna lose my lunch if...actually that's pretty hot. Keep on, lovebirds!" Emmett called out.

A piece of paper scrunched up to become a ball hit me on the back of the head. I looked up to see Tanya glaring at us. "That's it, Cullen! Thursday. After school. You and me, buddy!"

Bella looked at me with glazed eyes. "Let's get ready to rumble."

We started kissing again.

Life was good.


	49. Chapter 49

**AN: A couple of things... I love Honeybee Meadows stories! She's reposting Coupling and I highly recommend it. (I might be starting to post a story I'm writing for her. Very short chapters. She inspired me with a picture.)**

**Twiddler83 is a comedic genius! I Am Batman now has a Bella POV!**

Chapter 49

My sea monkeys were not cooperating. I moved my fingers on the plastic container. "Dance, silly monkey, dance!"

"Bella, I think you might be scaring them," Baseball boy stated, as it did appear my sea monkeys were cowering in the corner. "Maybe if you speak gently to them. Soothing tones and all that. Maybe sing! I bet you'd like _Uptown Girl_, little buddy."

Damn it! One of those little twisted science experiments came up to his finger. Billy Joel loving cretins.

"You're disowned, Frodo." I glared at the tank. Those little bastards are mocking me. "Stupid brine shrimp are supposed to do tricks. The package lied."

My kid spun me around and lifted me onto the counter. His eyes were bright and it was unnerving how much I wanted to stare in them. "You named one after a character from _Lord of the Rings_?"

"I renamed all of them. They needed something more permanent. However, I must say I don't like how Legolas and Bilbo Baggins are acting. One of them is itching to get flushed."

"If I couldn't think I could love you even more, you did this." He put both hands on my face.

"Love?" I swallowed hard. He might have said it before, but truthfully I have selective hearing about such things. I should say something, right? He makes me feel tingly, but that could just be an allergic reaction to his AXE body wash. God, I hate those damn commercials. "I...I...feel...ugh..."

"Love. You feel love. Bella, you don't have to say it. I feel it between us." My kid kissed me. Slowly. I felt it all over. Love. Oh god. I'm such a chick.

I pulled away. "Don't have a duel with the evil cheerleader. I'm a big girl. I can knock some sense in that thick, delusional skull of hers. It was funny at first, because a duel with those foam fingers people wave at baseball games is hilarious. The thing is we all know, except for that bat shit crazy blonde, is that I would never leave you for her. It's just a waste of time when we can be playing tonsil hockey instead."

"Oh my girl..." He put his finger on my lips. "Get that scowl off your face. I didn't call you a baby or a fruit bat."

"I would like being called a fruit bat."

"That doesn't surprise me." He grinned. "I'm not going to fight Tanya. I would never hit a girl, even using a foam finger. I will just help her see the error of her ways."

"You're giving her too much credit. Reasonable is not an accurate description for her. A disturbed Pom Pom queen is a good description. She wouldn't hesitate to take off your head with a baton." I ran my fingers through his hair. "If she tries to hurt you, I will cram that foam finger up her ass."

"I know you would." Our lips met and I hated to admit that I might really be in love with this silly boy.

His wandering hands found my breasts and he started kneading them like bread dough. I really wanted him to taste that dough. I quickly unbuttoned my shirt and pushed his head down. I hoped that he learned his lesson and stopped regressing to infancy. My kid eagerly answered the call. I moaned and...

"Oh my eyes! Stop! That's my daughter! Oh for the love of all that's holy like the Mariners and beer, get your mouth off my daughter!" Chief Charlie yelled and covered his face with a dish towel.

My kid exclaimed, "Don't worry, sir! I'm going to marry her!"

"No!" I hissed, as I buttoned up my shirt.

"Do you want him to shoot me?"

It was tempting.


	50. Chapter 50

**AN: Fun fact...I was a theater major in college.**

Chapter 50

The two groups faced off in the school parking lot. I felt like I was in a bad community theater production of _West Side Story_. I couldn't figure if our side was The Sharks or The Jets. Unfortunately, I had the starring role of Maria and my singing voice was as melodic as a dying mongoose.

Tanya, that megalomaniacal cheerleader was surrounded by the cheer squad and the ice hockey team. It seems they had a beef with the boys who played baseball.

Baseball Boy was running his hand through his hair and tightly holding his foam finger. An assortment baseball players, chess club members and the drama production cast of _Hello Dolly_ wandered around him in a tizzy.

I stood whistling the score to _America_.

I noticed James Taylor sitting on the hood of his car on the sidelines. "I'm surprised you don't want to be in the middle of this, James Taylor. Serenade us with your mad harmonica skills."

"Swan, this is the best entertainment Forks had all year." James Taylor started to eat a lollipop.

Random.

Tanya started to tap her bright pink foam finger on her hand. "Winner gets Bella Swan."

"I won't fight you, Tanya. I don't hit girls." My kid tried to smile kindly. "This is so silly. Bella is my girlfriend. Let's just all be friends! We can go to the diner and have milkshakes. They make the best chocolate milkshakes! It will be fun!"

He was so sweet. It was sickening. It made me want to kiss him.

"I will beat the pretty out of you, Edward Cullen," Tanya announced with a sneer.

That was taking things way too far. No one smacks the pretty out of my man.

"Denali, Mistress of all that is delusional, I will never be your woman. You aren't a nice person. If you were a nice lesbian and I didn't have my kid around, then you might be an option. Unfortunately, you're a bossy, horrible individual that makes it her mission to terrorize the school. Get it through your thick skull that I will never like you in any way."

I hated making speeches and speaking more than one word. She was making me make an effort. It was a pain.

Her face twisted in rage. It wasn't her most attractive look. She screamed, "This is your fault, Cullen! You poisoned her against me!"

I swear that girl never listens to a word that comes out of my mouth.

With an Amazonian battle cry that could be most closely described as ear splitting, Tanya and her foam finger of fury started banging my poor kid.

He let out a decidedly feminine squeal and tried to run away. He dropped his foam finger and tried to hide behind Emmett who was laughing so hard that he fell to the ground.

The rest of the crowd watched dumbfounded. I don't think they knew what to expect exactly. I grabbed my kid's discarded finger and stood in front of him to protect him from Tanya.

"Get out of the way! You better listen to me!" She screamed. My ears started ringing.

I started to sing, _The Jet Song_.

"You are a terrible singer!" Tanya shouted. "Never mind, your singing voice isn't worth the effort. Jessica, come! At least, you can hold a damn tune."

Tanya's love affair with me was over with a song.

"I think you sing like the angels," My kid stated.

"The Angels baseball team?" I wondered. "I think they might make a much better chorus."

"You saved me!" Baseball Boy went down on one knee. In front of half of Fork's High School. "Will you marry me?"

"No."

"I'll wear you down."

"I'm sure." I pulled him up. "Let's get those milkshakes."

The next day, my singing was on YouTube. Damn you, Tanya Denali.


	51. Chapter 51

**AN: Hee Hee.**

Chapter 51

Trailer Trash Barbie wanted a bachelorette party.

She wanted me to plan it.

This was an epically stupid decision on her part.

I plopped down a bag of Doritos, a box of Teddy Grahams and a bottle of RC Cola onto the patio table. Only the best for Trailer and the rest of the gang.

At least I wiped off the old patio table and chairs. Somewhat. There was some green mold that wouldn't rub off. I'm sure it wasn't toxic.

"Are you kidding me? Bella, this is all you did?" Teeny Tiny Dictator was on a rampage.

"Yup." Was she seriously thinking I would do more than this? I thought I pulled out all the stops. Those Teddy Grahams weren't on sale.

She had the audacity to stomp those little feet of hers. The were abnormally tiny. Hmm. How did she stay upright?

"I'm so happy I thought to bring decorations and food. I made finger sandwiches."

Of course, she did.

"I though everybody could chip in for a pizza." I opened up the Teddy Grahams and tossed the little bastards down to their death in my stomach. It was kind of gross if you really thought about it. It was also delicious.

I watched as she pulled out wine bottles. "Teeny Tiny Dictator, you do know that the Chief of the esteemed Fork Police Department is sitting inside nursing a beer with his hand down his pants watching _ESPN_? The booze isn't the brightest idea."

She grinned. "It's sparkling cider!"

Of course it is.

"I have music." I went over to my dad's old boombox and put on his copy of _MTV's Party To Go_. It was from 1995. I had no idea why he owned it and I was too afraid to ask. Shaggy's odd Jamaican rapping came on.

"This is terrific!" Dictator exclaimed.

No.

Trailer Trash Barbie came in followed by a giggly Boobs and a annoyed looking Kate.

Between chomps of that gum of hers, Trailer Trash Barbie cried, "Bring on the penises!"

Oh my god.

"What?" The Teeny Tiny Dictator was confused.

Kate said, "She's been talking about penis straws, penis napkins, penis hats, penis pencils and other penis objects from the minute I picked her up. Angela won't stop giggling. I swear if I never hear about a penis again, I'll be just fine, girl."

"You mean Garrett's penis, Mary Jane? You should probably give him a heads up," I stated.

Kate blushed. "Cut it out, Bella."

I could be funny sometimes.

"Where's the alcohol!" Trailer Trash Barbie called out. She was shaking her hips to the horrible old school dance jams.

"I..." Dictator began to say. I put my hand over her mouth.

"We have wine right here." I pointed to the table. I whispered to the Dictator, "She'll never know."

She didn't and neither did Boobs.

It had been a few minutes, but felt like a decade when Trailer Trash Barbie stood up wobbling from her non alcoholic sparkling cider. "I...I...got...us a present, girls..."

Were we going cow tipping?

"I got us a stripper!"

Oh shit.

Walking in with a swagger and wearing a construction uniform was Fonzie.

Boobs swooned and fainted.

I wonder if Chief Charlie would let us borrow his handcuffs?


	52. Chapter 52

Chapter 52 (EPOV)

It was in the seedier side of town. There were lots of motorcycles, piercings and tattoos. I was so very glad I brought hand wipes and sanitizer in my man satchel. It was my responsibility as Best Man to have all our options covered for the bachelor party.

"Dude, I can't believe that you and Garrett had to bring purses! Damn, you two are women! I bet you two will finally faint when see real live boobies. No wonder your women have bigger dicks than the two of you do." Emmett looked annoyed. We were standing outside of the KITTY EMPORIUM. It was not a pet shop as I had previously imagined.

"I've seen my Bella's breasts! They are magnificent!" I exclaimed. Bella was going to kill me. "Oh god, please don't tell her I told you!"

"I can't promise you a thing, little buddy," Emmett said, with a wicked grin.

Garrett looked chagrined. "I have yet to see Kate Hudson's beautiful breasts, but I can assure you they are lovely. Unlike this place. It is literally the most disgusting place I've ever seen. I'm so glad I brought my manly satchel. I got Edward Cullen his for Christmas!"

"Wallets can't possibly hold all the materials a man needs to keep sanitary and well groomed, Emmett," I stated. He wouldn't understand. He blissfully lives in filth. He was lucky to be so oblivious.

Jasper giggled. He always giggled. "Boobs, man."

Jasper was always so happy and relaxed. My sister was so lucky to find a man that found joy in every...

"Man, my fingers are floating. Are we in outer space? Will the boobs float?" He was waving his arms in the air and looking at them in wonder.

Hmm...maybe there was seriously wrong with the guy.

The burly bouncer at the door looked at us with disdain. "I.D's."

We handed them to him. The bouncer was skeptical. "Are you sure you boys are 18? You all look like you should be playing with your Legos."

I wish I was playing Legos. I wanted to surprise Bella with my _The_ _Lord of the Rings_ Lego Kingdom. _Star Wars_ Legos has nothing on _The_ _Lord of the Rings_ sets.

"We are indeed, good sir!" Emmett announced. "I'm getting married to a pair of grade A breasts and want to see some others before I take the plunge!"

"Give me your wrists." The bouncer rolled his eyes at Emmett.

"Why?" Emmett looked at the bright pink wrist band with disdain.

He stuck it on Emmett. "You're under 21, kid."

"But it's my bachelor party!"

Emmett wanted his first beer. Beer smells disgusting. I wonder if they have Shirley Temples.

"Kid, you get to see naked women! Stop complaining or you can go to BACK DOOR SALLY'S instead. Those ladies have rashes, but I won't hesitate to kick you out of here." The bouncer looked like he was losing all patience with my large friend. "We have sodas."

Jasper giggled. "Boobs, man!"

I tried to make Emmett happier. "I brought bottles of water in my satchel!"

"I brought juice boxes in mine! I think Honest Organics Fruit Punch might closely resemble a margarita!" Garrett exclaimed happily.

"Damn, you boys are carrying purses!" The bouncer exclaimed. "We don't have to worry about the girls with you boys."

Emmett stomped inside. He huffed, "Fine!"

Right in front our faces were boobs. Lots of boobs. I was as flaccid as a wet noodle. The weren't my Bella's boobs.

Emmett yelled, "Whoo Boobies!"

Jasper giggled. "Boobs, man!"

I just wanted my Bella.

**AN: Part 1. Hee hee.**


	53. Chapter 53

Chapter 53

"You have to be kidding me." I looked at Fonzie as Teeny Tiny Dictator was trying to revive Boobs. "Trailer, where did you pick him up?"

"The gas station over by the interstate." She chomped that gum with gusto. "All I had to do was buy him a Slushee and a hot dog."

That was not at all surprising. It fitted perfectly with the theme of this bachelorette party event. Redneck Bachelorette Hoe Down. We just needed the beef jerky and the tunes of Garth Brooks. Yee ha.

"Hello, ladies." Fonzie was strutting. Boobs was swooning. I was close to vomiting. "I brought a mix tape."

Of course, he did. Luckily for him, Chief Charlie lived in the stone ages of cassettes and _MTV's Party To Go_. The time of actual music video and boom boxes. Which we had at our disposal.

"You want to take it from me." Fonzie waved it towards me.

I stared at him. "Only if you want me to cram it where the sun doesn't shine."

He just laughed. Seriously? I would do it in a heartbeat.

Kate took it from him with a knowing look towards me. She knew me too well. She was a...friend.

Sticking the tape in the cassette deck, the smooth sounds of Aerosmith came on. I wished for those ugly pink zebra striped ear muffs Mommy Dearest got me for Christmas. I always said it would be a cold day in hell before I ever wore them. Today the devil must be wearing a parka.

He started gyrating like a convulsing chicken that just had it's head cut off. Not the most attractive sight. Except to Boobs. Her eyes were glazed over and she looked like a dog in heat. I was surprised she hadn't tried to hump his leg yet.

He took off his shirt. Boobs squealed. Fonzie had tattoos drawn on with magic markers. Awesome.

"This is probably a very bad idea having him here." The Teeny Tiny Dictator was freaking out. "I brought movies! _Can't Hardly Wait_! _Save the Last Dance_! _She's_ _All That_! A bunch of old school classics!"

Fonzie grabbed chair and started gyrating on it. He was defiling patio furniture now. I could never again sit in the back yard. That was pretty funny. Last time I checked, Chief Charlie refused put a TV in the backyard. My throne will remain on the couch.

Fonzie pulled down his pants. He sat on the chair and patted his legs. "Bella?"

Oh hells no.

Trailer Trash Barbie did a chomp and threw her wad of gum on the ground. "This is my bachelorette party, boy. I'm riding that pogo stick!"

What? She threw her gum on the ground?

He made a nervous squeal. A 6-foot, irate Amazonian would do that to a Fonzie wannabe.

I walked to the back door and called in, "Chief Charlie, we need you out here."

My dad, hand down his pants, wearing a stained _Police Academy_ tee-shirt came outside. I was mesmerized by the giant Steve Guttenberg head on his chest. It's my dad's favorite movie. Surprise, surprise.

"What can I do you for, Kid?" Chief Charlie was a little tipsy on Colt 45.

"We need a bouncer for the stripper."

"What the hell!" Chief Charlie turned bright red. "I thought you girls were having a slumber party?"

"A stripper slumber party."

"Where the hell is my gun?" My father stomped into the house.

Fonzie, pants around his ankles, ran down the road.

Best party ever.


	54. Chapter 54

**AN: Hi everybody! **

**Fun notes...the wonderful Rita recommended Curve Ball yesterday on Rob Attack! Thank you!**

**Also, my completed story, The Little Pink House is number 8 in the Top Ten Completed Stories for February on TwiFanFicRecs! Pretty happy day for me!**

**More updates later today!**

Chapter 54 (EPOV)

"The prices for a soda are literally the most horrible I've ever seen!" The usually upbeat Garrett was in a negative mood, as he sipped his juice box. "I'm not paying eight dollars to get you a Coke, Emmett McCarty."

Emmett stuck a dollar down a woman's underwear. He gave me a dirty look when I passed him a sanitizing wipe. "I like the number 8. When you flip it sideways, it looks like boobs."

I had to think about it for a second. Wow! Eight did look like breasts when turned sideways. Emmett sometimes had a clever mind.

I waved to a waitress. She wasn't wearing a bra. I looked at my feet. "Ma'am, may I please have a Shirley Temple?"

I could feel her staring at me. "Are you a queer?"

I looked up at her in shock. Oh no! Her boobs! I shut my eyes. "I find that term offensive. I have homosexual friends and a real live girlfriend. I just like fruit based drinks."

"Can get you a non alcoholic beer?" She inquired.

"No, thank you," I stated. Garrett handed me a juice box. What a good friend.

Jasper was scribbling on a napkin next to me. He looked up and at stripper and snickered. "Boobs, man."

I looked down and saw he was sketching my Bella. It was a perfect likeness. "What are you doing?"

"Here, man." Jasper gave it to me. "I know you miss your lady."

There was more to Jasper Whitlock then meets the eyes. What wonderful development.

Then he said this, "Ali's boobs are much nicer than these ladies, man."

"That's my little sister!" She was just a baby! Alice still likes watching _My Little_ _Pony_ cartoons. She drinks chocolate milk out of a Miss Piggy mug she got when she was 7. I...I...I...

"I haven't seen them yet, man. Chill. She's just so pretty. I bet they'll be the best fix ever when I finally see them. I respect her and I totally am planning on marrying that girl when we get jobs, man." He swirled his water bottle around. "Whoa...bubbles."

Garrett asked, "Jasper Whitlock, are you high?"  
"Naw, man. I've been straight edged since I met Ali." He gave a lazy smile.

He was naturally like this. How amazing!

Emmett was pouting. "I wanna lap dance."

I wanted my Bella to give me a lap dance. She probably would never do such a thing. I would have to give her one. My imagination made images of me, Bella, her breasts...

"Hey baby, you want a dance?" A tall woman with very big hair asked. I think she was missing a tooth.

"Oh no!" I squeaked.

Emmett raised his hand. "I do! I do!"

"I like the pretty boy," she said to Emmett. He frowned as she started to try and sit on me. "You like wiggling, little boy?"

"No, I do not!" I tried to stand up. "Please, don't do this!"

She was crushing me. It hurt and she smelled like tobacco and pickles. I felt nauseous.

"I can make you feel really good!" She crooned. I was gagging on the smell of her.

"Sit on me!" Emmett called out.

Garrett tapped her shoulder. "Miss, you are making my friend uncomfortable."

"You're next, handsome." She said to a visibly shaken Garrett.

"Please, no!" He hid behind a giggling Jasper.

With every ounce of strength, I could muster I stood up. The woman slid to the floor. "I said, no!"

Our bouncer friend came over and angrily pointed to the door. "Get out!"

"I just wanted a lap dance!" Emmett cried.

Thirty minutes later, we sat watching _Game of Thrones_ and eating popcorn. Emmett was complaining. A rock hit my window. I looked down and there was my world.

"Sneak out!" Bella called.

Tonight was going to be amazing.


	55. Chapter 55

**AN: More soon.**

Chapter 55

He was nervous.

It was cute. As a general rule, I hated cute things. I made an exception for my kid.

"I've never snuck out before!" Baseball boy was almost shaking.

"You aren't." I took his hand and led him to my truck. "I asked your mom first. I think she likes me. She kept offering me mulled cider."

He smiled. His face just radiated happiness. "She really does like you! What about the bachelorette slumber party?"

"Trailer Trash Barbie and Boobs are fake passed out. It's amazing how sparkling cider can be confused for real booze. Your sister is watching some 90's teen flick with Smash Mouth in the soundtrack. I am getting you to make out with me, like Mary Jane is getting Teeth."

I pointed to where Kate was leading a giggling Teeth out of the house. I must be a real friend, not letting her suffer watching Peter Facinelli on a teen movie. It's bad enough the guy is putting on body glitter and a helmet wig to pretend to be a vampire. So stupid.

We reach my truck and he eyed it warily. I thought I was happy to be stuck in a rut. He carefully asked, "Shouldn't we take my car?"

"The grandma mobile? No. Let's live on the wild side, kid." Then my eyelid twitched.

I think I winked. That was the most bizarre sensation I ever felt. I think my eye just had a seizure.

"Did you get a bug in your eye?" Baseball Boy asked in concern.

Sigh.

I just pulled open the door. With some effort, because that thing gets stuck. Hunk of beloved junk. "Let's go."

He kissed my cheek and climbed in. "Where are we going?"

"To a night to remember."

He made me cheesy. Damn it.


	56. Chapter 56

Chapter 56 (EPOV)

Tonight was the night. Oh god.

We were going to do it. Play it smooth, man, play it smooth.

Marriage. right. Wait till wedding. But, she was so pretty. Look how carefully she's driving her death trap to keep me safe.

Oh my. She's a lip biter. I knew that, right? Just look at her go to town nibbling it. I wanted a taste.

I could feel my breath coming out harder as I stared at her. Emmett slipped a condom in my wallet as a joke. I thought it would make a good water balloon, but it had a higher purpose now.

"Are you getting car sick?" She gave me an odd look.

I squeaked in the manliest way possible, "No!"

I grabbed her hand. "What are we doing?"

"You're certainly eager. I'm going to show you something." She smirked.

Her naked body.

I felt hot. The idea of her made me feverish. I wonder if she had some Tylenol.

I wonder if all of her was soft as a down filled pillow.

Was she taking me to a hotel? A hotel with roses and candles. The smooth sounds of Kenny G playing in the background as our bodies are joined for the first time.

She should have a ring on her finger!

Wait! I have rubber band in my back pocket. Pledging our love under the moonlight would work! Right?

We drove down a dirt road towards Old Mr. Miller's farm.

"There isn't a Holiday Inn around here!"

"What?" She asked looking over at me in confusion.

"There doesn't seem to be a chill in the air!" I lied.

She pulled up next to Old Mr. Millie's duck pond. The reflection of the moon lit the smooth surface. It was making me feel poetic. It made me feel amorous. It made me feel like I was going to last approximate a second.

"I thought we could hang out here."

I was going to become a man under the stars. Wasn't it romantic?


	57. Chapter 57

**AN: Enjoy.**

Chapter 57

Baseball Boy was twitchy. It wasn't his normal twitchy, which was only a little distracting. This was almost full on convulsions. Very distracting indeed.

"Should I take you home? I think Doc Cullen should take a look at you." I patted his back awkwardly. Sick people creeped me out.

He jumped out of my truck and ran to my door. Tripping and stumbling the whole way. Well this was awkward.

It took some effort on his part to get it open, but finally the door swung open. It knocked him on his ass.

"Oww!" He looked up at me with glazed over eyes. I jumped out of the truck and pulled him up.

"We should just go back to your house," I stated. This wasn't going well.

He pulled me towards him. Whoa.

"We're staying." Double whoa. Forceful kid was here to play.

He kissed me. It curled my toes. I never understood that expression until now. It was still stupid, but I understood it.

"Do you have a blanket?" he asked quickly. He was stroking my hair. His eyes were searching my face. Intently. Oh.

"Yes." My eyes were wide. "My dad put one in the back of the truck."

He let me go and went to the back of the truck. He spread it onto the hard ground.

I was only planning to show him the bullfrogs and make out for a little bit. They were gross. I wanted one for a slimy pet. I was going to put it in Tanya's locker.

Baseball Boy had other plans. Oh shit.

He kissed me again. Oh.

I was picked up and before I could protest, lowered onto the blanket. It was scratchy. It was wool. Damn it.

Slowly my shirt was being unbuttoned. My kid gazed at me. "I love you."

Oh. This was it. Eek.  
He pulled off his tee-shirt. He really was attractive. I bit his chest.

Where the hell did that come from?

"What's happening here?" I asked. I was nervous.

He stroked my face. "Do you love me?"

"Sure." I started blinking. I think I got dirt in my eyes.

"Close enough." He unbuttoned my jeans. "Is this okay?"

"Sure."

My pants went down around my ankles. His fingers stroked. It was nice. I guess. I was having an internal panic attack.

Something bit me. A mosquito. Damn it.

Baseball Boy pulled down his jeans and there it was. It was big. It looked like a sausage. It was the most frightening thing I ever saw.

"Will you kiss it?"

"Kiss what?"

He pointed down to his trouser snake. He must be going mad. I heard that people did those things, but that was so unsanitary.

"I'm supposed to touch that thing with my mouth?"

"Emmett said it was great?"

"For who?"

My kid looked confused. "Both of us."

"I highly doubt that."

He smacked his neck. The little blood suckers were getting him too.

"Please."

I hated when he begged. I kissed it. It was weird.

"Just a little more," he pleaded as he batted at my breasts like they were balloons.  
More of the damn begging.

"Fine." I gagged on it. Another mosquito made me a late night snack.

"So nice, baby!" I bit him. I warned him about pet names.

"Sorry!" He cried out.

Something salty hit my tongue. It was nasty.

I pulled my head away. "No more of that."

"We can work up to it!" He smiled brightly at me and slapped away another mosquito.

In your dreams, jelly bean.

He bent over me and kissed my nose. "Will you marry me?"

"Ask me when we're elderly."

"Will you marry me?"

"If I say someday, will you shut about about it?" I kissed him.

"Yes."

"Someday." He kissed me and we rolled off the blanket and into pine needles. The rash from the blanket was now turning into hives from the needles. The mosquitos were going on a rampage.

We kissed, touched and tried to ignore the need to scratch. It wasn't working.

"Will you make love to me?" His face was so sweet.

"Someday."

"Not tonight?"

I kissed him. "No. The mosquitos are making us into a midnight snack."

He grasped my face. "I love you so much."

"I love you too."

He made me into such a girl.

XXXXXX

The next day, we tried to clean Emmett's yard for the Redneck Wedding Extravaganza.

"Why the hell are you two looking like you were on the losing end of the zombie apocalypse?" Emmett looked at us like we were going to eat his brains.

My kid smiled. "We're both allergic to pine needles. It's destiny, Em!"

He might be right.


	58. Chapter 58

**AN: He's such a dork. I love this idiot.**

Chapter 58 (EPOV)

_Journal of E. M. Cullen  
Ruler of Cullenopeia, Tamer of Dragons and Captain of Forks High Baseball Team_  
(True Love of Maiden Isabella Marie of the Swan Kingdom)

Dear Keeper of my Innermost Secrets of the Realm,

Tonight, I am 1/2 a man!

My heart's desire has officially stated her mutual love for me! I understand that at the time she was being attacked by monstrous bloodsuckers from the insect realm, but I think she meant those words. Though to be truthful, she probably won't say it again. Or admit she said them in the first place.

That's okay, because I'm nothing if not persistent. I knew we were destined from the very first moment I first laid eyes on her. I'm sure she felt the same. My Isabella is funny. She was just joking when she told me to go away. I think.

That doesn't matter, because like Tanis Half-Elven and Laurana Kanan. We are destined! Never shall a freshly cut Christmas tree darken our door! It's like the pine needles have been created to show our perfect partnership!

Someday she shall marry me! Huzzah! I hope I don't have to wait until I'm 90.

The fair Isabella also kissed my manhood. I don't think she liked it. Emmett just told me practice makes perfect. Now I just need to convince her to practice. That's going to be a hard one.

Anyway, tomorrow my love and I will helping clean Emmett's yard. It's like the wastelands of Dragoon. I need to put on more Benadryl and get some sleep to gain my stamina. (Hopefully, my sweet will let me kiss her beautiful mounds!)

Fare thee well!

King Edward


	59. Chapter 59

**AN: The babies have been sick, so I've doing my best with updates! I hope to have more today!**

Chapter 59

Teeny Tiny Dictator took over the bridal shower. I should be happy with this fact. I wasn't in the smallest bit.

She was trying to make me do actual work.

How did she not know that this was not how I operated?

"Bella! I need you on balloon duty!" She tossed a bag of balloons in my lap. Dictator was insane.

I held up a pink one and waved it at her. "What should I do? Fill it up with water and pelt Trailer Trash Barbie with it?"

Dictator did her scary glare. Well it wasn't necessarily scary. Odd, really. "Take those lips and blow it!"

Blow. That reminded me of my kid. My kid and his snake. His snake which was in my...

"Bella? Are you okay?" She put her hand on my head. "You look pale."

"I'll do streamers." I could just toss those pink and white wastes of money over chairs randomly. It would be easy and I wouldn't have to think of my mouth on certain Baseball Boy's appendages. I started gagging at the memory.

"Angela is doing streamers. Don't they look lovely?"

She created swirly paper designs all over the Forks Elks Lodge.

Damn Boobs and her extremely creative skills with crepe paper.

"Get busy on the balloons, Swan."

I wrinkled my nose.

"There's my favorite look!" My kid bounded up and bent down to kiss it. "What's wrong?"

"Balloons." I looked up at him instead of that distracting thing in his pants. "Why are you here?"

"Alice wanted me to help set up."

I started trying to blow up a balloon and started huffing. I think I hate balloons. It was doing anything.

My eyes went to my kid's face as I blew. His face was bright red and his eyes were on my lips. The hose in his pants was filling in right in front of me.

"Hold on a sec!" He ran towards the bathrooms.

One step forward, two steps back.

I grabbed a stapler and started to attach deflated balloons to the wall. It might have been in the shape of a heart or a cow. It was debatable.

Alice yelled, "What are you doing?"

"Decorating."


	60. Chapter 60

**AN: I had an interesting family growing up, so...umm...yeah...this...**

Chapter 60

They were wrapping Trailer Trash Barbie and Boobs with toilet paper. There was a lot of whooping and hollering. Mostly from the giant's giant mother.

Kate looked at me with a frown. "This would be far more amusing if I was high right now."

"I can see the appeal, Mary Jane. However, Chief Charlie has warned me that Emmett's family is like the Hatfield's and McCoy's. There will be at least one brawl before the day is through. It's best that we keep out minds clear and be ready to hide under a table."

"Is that why your dad is sitting outside in his cruiser?" Kate asked distractedly. Emmett's Aunt Minnie had just stuck a bunch of present bows on her head and flashed the crowd.

There wasn't one ounce of alcohol in the room, unless the guests had flasks strapped to their legs. I really wouldn't put it past them.

I pulled Kate to the window. "Look out there now."

"Is that a paddy wagon?"

"Yes, Mary Jane. It seems any family event that has both the McCarty's and the Sullivan's at it calls for police back up." I gave a tiny smile. "This is going to be great."

"I would think if the men were involved that..." She looked towards a bunch of the older woman shaking their derrières at the vintage sounds of L.L. Cool J. I needed to bleach my brain.

"The women folk are hundred times worse, Mary Jane. Chief Charlie says they're biters."

She looked ill. "They look rabid."

"Indeed." We stood close to a wall.

That's when it happened. Grandmaw McCarty was raising her hands in the air to some old school Sugar Ray that made my eardrums bleed. This motion made her let go of her walker with the tennis balls on the feet. She fell backwards into Granny Sullivan who was slowly trying to wind toilet paper around Trailer's bosom. They started trying to bite each other with the six teeth they had in between them.

Instead, Granny Sullivan bit Boobs. Boobs screamed and fainted. Of course.

The fists were flying everywhere. Cousin Myrtle body slammed Auntie Toots into the refreshments table. Teeny Tiny Dictator's orange sherbet punch went flying. It was like a Creamscicle flood. There were elderly relatives sliding all around the room to Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch.

The potato salad ended up in Trailer's face. She turned fifty shades of red and started whacking her future relatives with a foot long Italian Sub.

A red Jello mold flew towards Kate and I pushed her towards an overturned table for protection. It hit me in the head. I smelled like fake cherries. Gross. Once again, I was taught a lesson about helping others. Protect yourself first.

Teeny Tiny Dictator started yelling in the middle of the room, "All of you are ruining everything!"

They started pelting her with a sheet cake that previously read, _Congratulations, Rosie!_

Chief Charlie and his deputies ran in wearing riot gear. "Drop the food and put your hands up, ladies!"

As a group they started pelting the police with potato chips. At least they were working together now.

I sighed and headed outside. Just another ordinary day in Forks.


	61. Chapter 61

**AN: Hi.**

Chapter 61

Jacob and Seth were DJing the Redneck Nuptials of the Century.

This was an epically bad idea, which meant it was brilliant.

"I was thinking that your first jam as old marrieds should be a Justin Bieber and One Direction mash up!" Jacob fist pumped Seth. "Don Juan will free style a rap for you both about your upcoming sexy times."

Oh God. If I liked smiling, I would be beaming right now. It was awful and hilarious. Then I remembered the comment about Bieber and One Direction. I wonder if ear muffs would be an acceptable accessory for my bridesmaids dress?

"I will be saluting the gorgeous booty of the blonde goddess. I have a mastery of beats that make the ladies swoon!" Seth did a series of bizarre hand movements.

"We only ask for a payment of a twelve pack of Coke, five lunches at McDonald's and Emmett being our personal security team until summer vacation," Jacob held out his hand with smile.

I guess those two were finally tired of being crammed in their lockers.

I really didn't care about those two numbskulls, but I saw a flaw in the plan. I was such a damn giver.

"Black, do you have a way to play this music? Actually, do you have the songs Gigantor wants?" I questioned.

"You're so smart, Bella!" My kid exclaimed.

Not really. I was the only one actually using my brain at the moment. The giant was too busy stuffing his face with a calzone to be concerned with the music that would be making my ears bleed at his wedding. There was sauce all over his face. Had he never heard of a napkin?

Jacob pulled out an iPod Nano. "This little piece of magical technology, beautiful Bella!"

I was going to cram my bridesmaid dress in his mouth. That should quiet him and perhaps save me from wearing that monstrosity.

Then I realized a flaw to Jacob's plan. "Are we all sharing your headphones?"

"What the what?" Jacob looked at me in confusion.

"Do you have speakers to hook up to your magical technology?" I knew he didn't. The earphones he had only worked on one side, so I highly doubted he would have sprung for speakers.

"Emmett, my man, have a couple of things to add to my payment! I need you to grab me some sweet speakers from Target and an iTunes card. I would say a hundred bucks should help me get the party jumpin' with some smooth Ke$ha!"

No. He must be stopped.

I gave my best glare at a grinning and nodding giant. He didn't notice. "Giant, you will not give your whole wedding budget over to this yahoo. Black, if you are going to offer to provide entertainment then have the proper equipment."

Seth swaggered over. Swagger was actually an inaccurate description. It looked like he had only one functioning leg and was dragging the other behind him. He was basically a smack talking zombie from _The Walking Dead_. "Damn, Jake, you my boy and that bitch be trippin'! We have a masterful plan to get the hottie bridesmaids in our Fruit of a Looms! Let me give a sample of my swizzle! Rosie has the boob, a boob, boob..."

"Excuse me, but what did you call me you obnoxious gnat?" I was going to make him cry. It wasn't going to be hard. I've seen him cry before, because it was Sloppy Joe day at the cafeteria.

Baseball Boy stalked over. "Sir, I do believe you need to apologize to my lady love!"

"Kid, I can handle it," I stated. I would say I appreciated the effort, but it had the potential of having me miss out on making Seth Clearwater pee his pants. I had to get my fun somehow. "I know where you live, Clearwater."

He let out a yelp and hide behind Jacob. "I'm so sorry, Miss Swan!"

That's all that it took? Well that was anticlimactic. I could be watching reruns of _Real Housewives of_...well it really didn't matter, because they were all equally a bunch of over styled train wrecks.

The giant looked up from smearing more tomato sauce all over his face. "Jake! We need some _Gangnam Style_!"

Please no. At least he didn't say...

"Why not throw in some of those golden oldies that make the ladies get up and wiggle? We can have the _Macarena_ and _The Chicken Dance_!" Jacob excitedly added.

Why for the love of everything good and sunny in the world would they do this?

"That is fucking awesome, Jake!" The giant grinned and more sauce dripped down on his shirt.

I wonder if there was a nice plague going around?


	62. Chapter 62

Chapter 62

I looked like the sickly sweet cotton candy that gives children cavities at the fair. If anyone tried to take my picture that camera would be smashed in a million pieces.

"You look so pretty!" Boobs exclaimed, as she tried to pin a fake flower into my hair.

I growled at her.

She had the good sense to leave the room.

I started to work on a crossword puzzle that I found in the back of a PEOPLE magazine. It was too damn easy. Whoever said watching television nonstop was a useless activity, was a fool. I bet they couldn't finish one of these.

Trailer Trash Barbie was spraying that giant bouffant of hers with aerosol hairspray to suffocate me. I started hacking. The upside if I couldn't breathe, I couldn't be in the wedding. Of course, she stopped.

"A little much, huh?" She asked, as she chomped her gum.

Trailer put in a new piece of Bubble Yum for her wedding. It truly was a special day.

"No, you're fine." It was fine about fifteen sprays ago, before her chemicals increased the earth's temperature. I was feeling generous, I added, "You... Ahh... Hmm...look...nice?"

She rushed over and hugged me. I awkwardly patted her back. "There, there."

"You're just the sweetest!" She kissed my cheek with her fire engine lipstick.

No. No, I'm not.

That's when the picture of a high society trophy wife burst into the room. "Rosalie Lillian Hale, your father is absolutely beside himself out there with those...those...poor people!"

Oh shit. It was the mother.

"You ain't my momma. Get the hell out of her and go spend Daddy's money. It's what you do best." Trailer started caking on the lipstick again.

I stand corrected. Evil stepmother. Things were starting to make so much sense.

The woman with her pearls and politician wife suit, grabbed my arm. More touching? Come on now. "Young lady, please tell me you've tried to talk some sense into her? Of course not, you live in this town. You're probably pregnant."

"Oh yes, the little monkey is ready to burst out any minute and become the next generation of Fork's unwed mothers," I said sarcastically, pulling my arm away.

"Really, Bella? Can I be her godmother?" Trailer asked excitedly.

I looked at her with a grimace. "It was a joke. A bad one, apparently."

"I get you are trying to get a rise out of us, but hasn't this gone on long enough?" The woman threw her hands in the air. "You've been kicked out of six boarding schools, ran away and now getting married to the dregs of society!"

"I love Emmett!" Trailer cried out. I was worried that all the mascara she wore would run into her eyes and blind her.

I was becoming a damn saint. "Lady, were you invited to the wedding?"

"Of course not! My husband made us come here to collect Rosalie." She raised that plastic surgery crafted nose in the air.

"Trailer, you want her here?" I asked and a sad looking Trailer shook her head. "You need to get off the premise in approximately five minutes."

"What are you going to about it?" The woman sneered.

I walked past her and I called down the hall, "Yo, Chief Charlie."

My dad walked in wearing his full police gear. It was a McCarty occasion after all. "What do you need, daughter?"

"I have the first occupant for the paddy wagon."

Chief Charlie looked her up and down. "You causing trouble, Ma'am?"

"I...I...I..." she stammered as my dad led her out of the room.

Sometimes, it was good having an in with the right side of the law.

Rosalie tackled hugged me and exclaimed, "You're my best friend!"

It never pays being nice.


	63. Chapter 63

Chapter 63 (EPOV, y'all)

My lady fair and I stood waiting to take our turn to walk down the aisle. I turned to her to express my appreciation of her beauty by saying, "Bella, you are the vision of..."

"I suggest you say a Pepto Bismol bottle. If things like loveliness, perfection or beauty start coming out of your mouth then I won't speaking to you for a week."

"That's fine, because I still can gaze at your beau..."

She glared at me. It was adorable. "Next I take away kissing."

I tried again. "I don't see how you don't see your amazing spirit and how gorgeous..."

"I guess you really don't like my breasts."

Those beautiful, soft pillows that I dream about? I adore them!

"You know I love them!" I exclaimed.

"Too bad. No touching those if you keep this up." She actually smirked.

And en garde, my lady! We will be fencing with our tongues so I can win your amour!

"You'll be missing out too, Bella. You always do this little kittenish mewing sound when my mouth is on you." I smirked. I finally left her speechless.

Maybe not, because she smiled. Really smiled at me. It was beautiful.

"I suggest you stop or this mouth will never, ever go near a certain appendage again. Got it, kid?" She hid her hand behind her bouquet and squeezed that appendage. Hard.

"Yes, Ma'am," I squeaked. I really kind of liked that.

We walked or, I should say in my love's case, tripped down the aisle.

"Mother fucking, damn fucking shoes from hell. Stupid Trailer..." she muttered loudly down the aisle.

I loved that girl and her cursing. I really, really did.


	64. Chapter 64

**AN: The things I write for you people. I really do adore you all. Enjoy and share with your friends. **

Chapter 64

Whoever was the evil mastermind that created the torture devices called high heel shoes was surely rotting in the deepest corners of Hades right now. I think my toes are breaking and blisters are rising to the surface of my poor, poor feet. This was my worst nightmare.

Why couldn't that holy roller talk faster? This is supposed to be a wedding, not a funeral. I take that back, because that wannabe ruler of the world forced us all into these instruments of pain, and I was now planning her demise. If, and I pray it would never happen, Teeny Tiny Dictator became president we'd all be wearing President Alice Cullen approved uniforms. I would then have to become anarchist and that takes effort and I hate putting forth any of that.

Maybe, just maybe, I should have listened to Dictator and practiced walking in the ugly shoes. Actually, no. Why should I have to suffer anymore then I have to? I'm not truly classless. I wouldn't wear sneakers. I would be tempted, but not actually wear them. I'm sure I still have a pair of black flats my mom forced me to get for middle school graduation. They were scuffed, but black magic marker can cover anything.

I was pondering this when I was shoved in the side. Teeny Tiny Dictator hissed quietly, "Take Rose's bouquet, Bella! Where is your head at?"

Trying not to plan your death.

Trailer handed me her bouquet of plastic flowers and I sneezed at the dust. I had offered to steal flowers from Mrs. Cope's garden, but they _had_ to buy plastic flowers from the Dollar Depot. Trippy orange and fuchsia plastic flowers that have been in the store since the seventies. They could have at least vacuumed them first.

Why can't Reverend Slow Poke get this show on the road?

I looked at the pews. Granny was already chugging her flask. Oh lovely. Maybe, it was communion wine. Nope. Uncle Skeeter had already broke that bad boy open. The minister was giving him the evil eye. Well that wasn't very saintly of him.

I looked over to where Baseball Boy stood next to the giant. He was staring at me and a think he was salivating. At least, there was a little saliva at the corner of his mouth. One squeeze of his genitalia and the kid devolved into a sex crazed maniac.

I stuck my tongue out at him. Damn it. He looked like he was going to faint. I bet he was thinking about my mouth on that sausage in his pants. Disgusting. It wasn't a hot dog. I shivered. He grinned. I bet he thought I was turned on by something. Umm...no.

It looked like he was going to jump me in front of the wedding guests. That would be awkward, but probably nothing new to this crowd.

Oh no. If he liked sticking that trouser snake in a mouth then what if he wants to try out different holes. I started to hyperventilate. It's an exit, not an entrance. Oh no. No. No. No. How would he like it if I crammed something in his hole? This is bad.

"Bella, are you okay?" Dictator asked.

"Things shouldn't go in certain holes, Dictator. Unless it's agreed on by both parties. I don't know if I can handle this!"

"Isabella, I have no clue what you are blabbing about, but this wedding is almost finished. Half the guests are already drunk and the other half are almost there. Hold it together, woman." Dictator held me up by the arm.

My kid blew me a kiss.

Damn it, he was good looking and my feet hurt. I really hate weddings.


	65. Chapter 65

**AN: Coffee, please.**

Chapter 65

Jacob Black was the worst DJ of all time. Not that I had much experience having to suffer through events that needed bad party jams, but he was pretty terrible.

"Aww...damn! Hold up! Hold up! Where is that song?" He was scrolling through his iPod. _The Sound of Music_ started playing. "Noooo! That's the wrong song! It's my mom's! Really!"

I couldn't stop myself. "Hey Black, what exactly are a few of your favorite things?"

"Not when bugs bit or bees sting..." He started to sing without realizing it. Jacob stopped and looked upset. "That's whack, Bella!"

Hee hee.

Then he put on that weird child Justin Bieber. Supposedly, he was older than me. I truly believe he's twelve. His voice hasn't even changed yet. I put my hands over my ears and went to find my kid.

I clomped around the not completely clean yard. We did an admirable job removing the garbage from the lawn, but Emmett's relatives didn't believe in trash receptacles. I was stumbling over the beer cans on the ground. It was an obstacle course for drunks.

I didn't miss one. I blamed the shoes I was wearing. They were Baseball Boy's. They might be way too big, but they were so much more comfortable than the pointy death traps.

I saw my kid, in his sock clad feet, waving to me by the food table. The box of Triscuits I brought still sat in the box unopened. Classy shindig.

"Hey kid, anything to eat that won't cause Montezuma's revenge?" I looked at the food skeptically. The fish sticks smelled funny. The Jello mold was dripping. There was bubble gum stuck on top of the bowl of Goldfish crackers. I wondered if it belonged to Trailer Trash Barbie. She and the giant were practically fornicating in a lawn chair.

"What's that?" My kid asked. "Montezuma's revenge?"

"Diarrhea."

He dropped the chicken nugget shaped like a dinosaur he was eating on the table. The giant's junk yard dog, Bojangles jumped up and ate it. Then started licking the Jello mold, that Grandmaw proceeded to take a big old scoop of. My kid looked ill.

I opened my Triscuits and started munching away. Then I noticed a pile of juice boxes. I grabbed on of those too. Reception dinner of champions.

Baseball Boy grabbed a juice box and followed me to a little plastic kids picnic table. Seating was limited at this fancy event.

I held out my cracker box. "Triscuit?"

"You are too good to me!" He got all gooey eyed. It's just a cracker. The crumbs fell onto his jacket. I was tempted to wipe them off, but I ate another cracker instead.

That's when I heard the moaning. It was coming out of an old Ford that had seen better days. It was rocking. Auntie Sue's head popped up. Then Uncle Joe's. Those to were not married to each other. Uh oh.

Actually, several cars were moving. This wedding reception was amazing for it's potential for disaster. It was great.

I wasn't able to enjoy the show, because my kid pulled me and my box of crackers up. "Let's dance."

It was New Kids on the Block. I thought they were in a nursing home. It was like geriatrics singing bad teenage love songs.

"No."

"It's romantic!"

"No."

"Please?" He had those puppy dog eyes again.

"Fine, but I'm still eating my crackers."

Stupid, cute boys.


	66. Chapter 66

**AN: Hee hee.**

Chapter 66

"Don't you love dancing?" My kid asked with a smile.

"No, Fred Astaire, I don't like the Cha Cha." I tried to pull out a Triscuit. I was hard, because I was pinned by his arms. "My middle name isn't Ginger Rodgers."

"Who are they?"

Sometimes I forget if it doesn't have a ball or a dragon, Baseball Boy is clueless.

"Famous dancers."

"Oh! Are they on _Dancing With the Stars_?" He asked with that pretty, blank eyed smile. I wanted to rub his pretty head. The one with hair.

"They're dead."

He looked wide eyed at me and stopped dancing. "That's so sad! Did it happen recently?"

"Umm...no." He was giving me a headache.

A rain drop hit my head. Maybe it was a fluke.

"Is it starting to rain?" He asked.

No, Sherlock. It must be Uncle Jim Bob spitting on you. Actually, at this party it was a good probability.

"It seems so, kid...maybe we should..."

It has been said that rain on a wedding day was good luck. I don't think the rocket scientists that came up with that belief took into the consideration the torrential downpour that rained down on us. It made the guests look like a drowned rats.

Cousin Skeeter yelled at Grandpa Paw Paw, "I told ya to bring an umbrella!"

He punched poor Paw Paw in the face. What was wrong with these people? The man was frail and ninety.

I was surprisingly concerned over nothing, as Baseball Boy pulled me towards the house. Paw Paw crashed into Skeeter and started to rip out his mullet. Skeeter cried, "Paw Paw, stop! Help!"

Chief Charlie, soaking wet stomped over grumbling, "Damn Paw Paw! That geezer is a menace."

I wasn't able to watch the elderly man wrestle my father to the ground, because the stampede of the drenched pushed my kid and I towards the front porch.

The giant's gargantuan father came out of the house. He yelled, "The shitter's backed up and shit is all over the carpet. Y'all need to get some buckets and rags. Boy, get your daddy a beer and a mop!"

He pointed at a glum giant. Everyone else ran towards the abandoned cars on the lawn.

My kid pulled me towards a rusty KIA and pushed me in the backseat. He landed on top of me with a grin. "Hi there."

"Are you going to try and seduce me in a dirty, old car?" It smelled like skunk.

He kissed my hair. "I thought we could make-out a little and wait for the rain to stop."

I liked his lips.

"Sure."

We started kissing and that's when I heard the giggling. My kid and I looked up to find a leering Grandmaw staring at us.

"That's how I conceived Emmett's daddy! It was in the back of my daddy's Studebaker," the old woman cackled. "It seems this wedding has free entertainment!"

Worst wedding ever.


	67. Chapter 67

**AN: I'm having too much fun writing this nonsense.**

Chapter 67

After the wedding shenanigans, school was almost blissful. Almost being the operative word, since a moony Teeny Tiny Dictator was following me around reading the poetry that Cheech kept writing her and leaving in her locker.

My stomach was growling and it made a cranky Bella Swan. Which wasn't a stretch from my usual disposition.

"It's so beautiful, Bella!" She was dancing through the halls. It was distracting and she was bound to crash into a poor passerby. I was positive she had a cheesy Britney Spears or whatever the newest Disney Channel future train wreck's song in her head. "Do you want to hear it again?"

"No. I want lunch. There's chicken nuggets and tater tots. Stop the blabbing and get to the walking." I walked quicker. Maybe I could lose her in the crowd of lacrosse players. They were one step away from being coherent and had nicknamed themselves after pieces of meat. I was hoping she would run into them and in their confusion they would create a wall and block her and allow my escape.

I'm not that lucky and she's way too limber. Dictator nimbly sidestepped the clueless jocks and read, "You are the prettiest thing. I ever did see. You make me sing. About pretty things."

"What pretty things is Cheech referring to? Bongs shaped like flowers? The colors he sees making rainbows after a particularly fatty doobie? Does he write these love letters to the members of Phish too? Writes odes and tapes them on the grave of Jerry Garcia?"

"Be serious, Bella!" Dictator admonished. "He's professing his love!"

"Indeed. He talks really slow, so I wonder how many hours it took him to write that little ditty. Two hours?" Dictator was starting to look angry. I sighed. "Calm down. I joke. This is what I do. You know this, Dictator. It's...umm...a...nice?"

I was trying here.

Dictator hugged me. Why, oh God, why with the touching? She said, "You act all tough, but are just a squishy teddy bear inside!"

Eww. A sharp cactus maybe.

We entered the cafeteria we found a bawling Boobs at the table being comforted, awkwardly, by Kate.

"Mary Jane, why is Boobs flooding the table?" I didn't want her tears to get on my nuggets. It makes them soggy.

"The Fonz is an ass," Kate explained sadly. "I don't know how to get her to stop! Before I started dating Garrett, I would just roll her a blunt. That gets the giggles started."

Poor Kate and Cheech were now living in a clear headed world. It was a confusing place for them to be.

Dictator took over and hugged Boobs. "Angela, I'm sure it was just a misunderstanding!"

"We... We...I...I...we did it!" Boobs cried.

Huh?

"Did what? Did Fonzie take you to Arnold's for a burger and a shake? Did he make you pay?" It was Boobs, so it had be something simple.

Dictator glared at me. "They had sex, Bella!"

Oh. Oh.

"Bummer?" This was bad? Shouldn't she be dancing and exclaiming she was a woman now? "Is he tiny? He looks the type. Overcompensating with the bike."

Boobs sniffed. "It was weird and...and...he doesn't want to go out anymore!"

The tears came back. It reminded me of the rain at the giant's wedding. I shivered at the memory.

"He didn't mean it," Dictator stated, rubbing Boobs back.

Bull shit.

Boobs looked up her mascara leaving black streaks down her face. She looked like a Marilyn Manson fan. "He said I didn't look into it! That this wasn't working for him! I tried to tell him sex hurts!"

I was going to kill Fonzie. Rip off his head and stick it up his ass.

Trailer Trash Barbie came up with her cherry red lipstick smeared all over her face. She was fornicating with the giant in the library again. Why must they defile my favorite nap time place?

"Why the sad faces, hookers?" She asked. Always so classy.

"Ben took Angela's virginity and broke up with her," Dictator explained. "We need payback."

"I'll kick his ass," Trailer growled.

I held up my hand. "Simmer down, Rizzo. The Pink Ladies here need to bring retribution swiftly and have it be debilitating."

"Rizzo? I really want to watch _Grease 2_," Trailer looked wistful.

"That's just blasphemy, Trailer. The original is the only good one." I had a concrete viewpoint about old movies that were still a staple of teenage girls slumber parties. The originals are the only ones worth while to watch. This also applies to _Dirty Dancing_.

Kate hit the table. "Focus, ladies! It's payback time!"

She was correct and my tater tots could wait.

"It's time for Fonzie to not jump the shark, but have it chomp off his dick," I said. I thought this was a rational idea.

Boobs cried out, "Don't hurt him! I love him!"

"No."

"I don't?"

"You don't. It's the hormones talking." I looked at my posse. We were going to take down a leather jacket wearing tool. "I made James Taylor sing, _Carolina In My Mind_ in falsetto and together we can make things worse for Fonzie. Do you except the challenge?"

Everyone, but the crying Boobs, yelled, "Yes!"

It was kick ass time.


	68. Chapter 68

**AN: Giggle. This is CullensTwiMistress's fault and it is awesome.**

**Enjoy.**

Chapter 68

They followed me to the boys locker room by the gymnasium. We were lined up like an army. Boobs was sniffling in the rear. I was slightly turned on by this leadership position I had, though I would never admit it.

"Dictator, are you sure this was where they keep the bats?" I questioned. I felt like this was in an authoritative tone.

Dictator rolled those weirdly big Disney deer eyes of hers. "Of course, I do! I was the team water girl."

"Why?"

"I had a crush on Felix Harris that year." Dictator shrugged. "He's gay, but it still looks great on the college transcripts."

"That's positive thinking," Kate said. She was looking at the room apprehensively.

I pointed at the door. "Scared to go in, Mary Jane?"

"What if the boys..."

"They're probably still playing with each other's balls in the outfield," I stated thinking of Baseball Boy tossing his ball on the field. I sighed. What the hell was that?

Trailer started snorting.

"What?"

"Playing with their balls, Bella? The ones attached to their di..." She began to say.

I placed my hands on my ears. "La, la, la...I'm not listening to this."

"She acts so tough, but she's scared of Edward's little snake." Trailer patted my hair and I glared at her.

"It's not little," I disagreed not thinking.

Trailer squealed, "Nice!"

Dictator squeaked, "That's my brother!"

"Exactly. That's Dictator's brother and let's not mention it again." I swung the door to the locker room open and we piled in. Then our mouths all collectively fell open.

There were penises everywhere.

The baseball team were out of the showers and had become a nudist colony.

Dictator squeaked. Her eyes were on Cheech. I was pretty sure he wasn't on the team, but the spacey poet was au natural with one of those freaky Grateful Dead bears tattooed on his right buttocks. Bizarre, but Dictator was obviously digging it.

Kate was ogling Teeth. A very naked Teeth. Whoa, that guy is toned. She grabbed my arm. "I've never seen it before."

"Really, Mary Jane?"

"Oh my God," Kate whispered. "What do I do with that thing?"

I had no answer for her.

That's when I saw him walk in without a care in the world. It was my kid and he was naked as a jay bird.

He was...umm...oh...a...glorious. I wanted to mount him on one of those narrow benches by the lockers. That would be uncomfortable.

"Hello there, boys!" Trailer Park Barbie yelled. Her gum flew out of her mouth and fell on the floor. She picked it off the filth at her feet and put it back in her mouth. That was disgusting.

Baseball Boy threw his mitt over his member. It made me somewhat sad. He stammered, "Hey...sweethea...Bella!"

"Hello, beautiful ladies!" James Taylor exclaimed with his hands in the air. Then he saw a teary eyed Boobs. He, all of a sudden and surprisingly, became shy. "Hi, Ang. Are you okay?"

He really seemed concerned. He had a heart buried deep down in that black soul of his.

James Taylor started to rush towards her and I said, "Don't go near her with that swinging pendulum of horrible manhood, James Taylor."

"What?" He stopped abruptly.

I was still high on a Dictator type power trip. "We have come for your baseball bats. We have retribution to obtain and will not be swayed by those evil man parts. We are women and you will hear us roar."

"That's so hot," my kid said with fluttering eye lids. He almost dropped his mitt.

The giant stumbled out of the shower room in all his huge and tiny glory. It like he stuck a flesh colored crayon on his body. Trailer was ogling him, so it must work properly. "Hey baby, you wanna join your big baby in the shower?"

Like a tractor beam was pulling her, Trailer went towards the giant and I pulled her back.

"Retribution, Trailer."

She fist pumped me. "Hear us roar!"

"There's the bats!" Kate yelled. She winked at Teeth and he blushed. "Hey Garrett."

He was bright red. It was funny.

We grabbed our bats and my kid asked, "What are you doing with those?"

"Teaching Fonzie some Pinky Tuscadero type justice," I explained.

Truth be told, when your mother refused to pay for cable and all you could watch retro television, you become a bit of an expert. I could have explained this fact to alleviate their blank expressions, but I didn't care to. We had a jerk to demolish.

Bats raised in the air we went to battle. Followed by flesh colored flags waving low on our baseball playing audience, this adventure was sure to be making Forks High legend for years to come.

This was legendary.


	69. Chapter 69

**AN: Hee hee. 69. *snickering***

Chapter 69

Fonzie was no where to be seen, but his hog was just sitting in the parking lot with the sunlight hitting the chrome. It was like a beacon to beat Fonzie's ass.

"Where do you think he is?" I asked Boobs.

"He said he was going to enroll. Ben thought he had a chance with you if he was in school." She sniffed. I imagined my baseball bat hitting Fonzie's head. "I should have waited. I'm only sixteen."

What the what.

James Taylor had that weird look in his eyes when he gazed at Boobs, that Baseball Boy gets when he looks at me. That was disconcerting. "You, Angela, are an innocent flower who should never had been plucked."

If that naked James Taylor started singing _Something In The Way She Moves_, I would vomit. There was a more pressing matter. Boobs was only sixteen.

"How are you only sixteen and a senior?" I questioned.

She gave an embarrassed look. "I have an pretty high IQ. Most of my classes are actually college courses."

Oh.

That's when I looked at the chrome beast and got mad. Very mad. Boobs was just a kid. She wasn't ready. She was...oh...my...ugh...friend. I was internally rolling my eyes at this admittance.

Fonzie was going to pay with his most prized possession.

With the guttural cry of a Viking, I ran to the bike and started bashing it with my all my might.

My clan of woman warriors, including Boobs, followed my lead and we were destroying Fonzie's beloved hunk of metal. It was an amazing feeling.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Fonzie screamed.

"Retribution," I sneered. "You're next."

"Retribution!" My posse yelled.

The naked baseball team clapped.

It could have been the best day of my life, but this happened.

"Why are you all naked?" Chief Charlie asked, as he ran from his cruiser. "Isabella Marie Swan, what the hell are you doing?"

Oh shit.

I made my eyes wide and did a painful smile. I hate smiling. "Helping Fonzie fix his bike, Daddy."

"Bullshit," my father answered. "We are all taking a ride downtown."

Double shit.

Oh wait... there's Cheetos and peanut butter crackers in the vending machine at the station. Score. I was really hungry.


	70. Chapter 70

Chapter 70

They were out of Cheetos. Worst day ever.

"I'm part of a girl gang! Oh my God! This is going on my permanent record!" Teeny Tiny Dictator couldn't keep her cool in the clink or the big house, though actually we were all piled into the station's waiting room.

The boys were all put into Fork's Correctional Facility jumpsuits. It was kind of a turn on.

"Dictator, I think we should get girl gang approved tats. You sure would look pretty with a tear drop tattooed permanently next to your eye," I stated staring at her face. "Mary Jane, use those art skills and design our girl gang tag."

Kate laughed.

Dictator was not so amused. "This is serious, Bella!"

"It's fine." I popped a Lorna Doone in my mouth. It was stale,damn it. I went over to the officer sitting at the desk, only pausing to pinch my kid's butt. He really did look good in prison blues. He blushed. "Frank, I need to order a pizza."

"Sure, Bells." Frank didn't even look up from his report. He knew me too well.

Chief Charlie stomped out of his office. "Daughter, what are you doing?"

"Ordering a pizza. Motorcycle repair makes a girl famished." That was my story and I was sticking to it. "Right, Mary Jane?"

"I think the improvements made it even better," Kate was sitting on Teeth's lap. She had a thing for our significant others looking naughty. This was as close as any of those boys would ever get to the other side of the law.

"Ladies..." My father began.

Fonzie growled from the other side of the room, "Those bitches are liars! I want to press charges!"

Chief Charlie was going to beat him with his bully stick for those words. Fun.

Baseball Boy was being held back by James Taylor. Silly testosterone. I could easily beat up Fonzie myself.

"That's my girl and her friends you're talking about," Dad growled. "Shut your trap, boy!"

I yawned. I was missing my third nap. "Hey Boo, umm...Angela, how old are you again?"

"Sixteen." She looked confused.

I looked at the the glowering greaser. "Fonzie, are you sixteen?"

"No bitch, I'm nineteen."

My kid struggled against James Taylor. "Don't you dare talk about the love of my life that way!"

"Simmer down, kid. I do appreciate the sentiment, but I got this." The crowd watched and Trailer chomped her gum. "Dearest Papa, what would you say about a much older man using a minor and then treating her most terribly? I think there might be a law on the books that..."

"Bella, are you saying what I think you're saying?" Chief Charlie was livid.

"Yup."

My father grabbed a pair of cuffs off a desk and went over to Fonzie and pinned him to the wall. He handcuffed him. "You are under arrest. Frank, read him his rights and book this deviant!"

"Can we go now, sir?" My kid asked quietly.

"Son, we need to chat about your state of undress." My father stroked his mustache. "Also, the new repair hobby that the girls have."

"They were just trying to keep us safe, Chief Charlie. Motorcycle repair can be dangerous. We wouldn't wait and they followed to keep us safe. They just happened to forget their pants. They're the baseball team, Dad. They aren't the brightest bears in the woods."

"Hey!" The boys collectively exclaimed, except for the giant.

He said,"I resemble that remark."

"Bella..."

"Don't punish everyone else for trying to help a friend. Ground me, Dad. I'll take the blame."

It was prom season after all. I nice grounding would work out perfectly.

"Prom's coming, sir!" My kid shouted. He looked worried.

Damn it.

My father smiled. A big smile. This was bad.

"Don't worry, son. Bella's punishment is to go to prom."

Oh hells no.


	71. Chapter 71

**AN: Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. I really do appreciate it. If you flounced, I apologize for the stupidity. Wait I minute, you wouldn't be reading this anyway.**

**Let's just keep the stupid coming. :0)**

Chapter 71

I like kissing Baseball Boy, even more than watching TV. However, the combination of kissing and watching TV makes the perfect Saturday afternoon. If only I could add in eating. I really could use an ice cream sandwich.

I had one eye on an old _I Love Lucy_ while we locked lips on my bed. I really would watch anything that was filmed in black and white. Lucy and Ethel were once again getting into all kinds of mischief. I was trying not to laugh at their antics. That would be rude to my kid.

He pulled away when I was attempting to shove my tongue in his mouth. I was left looking like a frog trying to catch a fly. "What?"

"Bella, I was thinking about what we want to do tonight," he stated.

I wrinkled my nose. Which he instinctively kissed. That should get him back into the mood. "I thought we could do this all night. Almost all night. We can order a Chinese and eat it here."

"On the bed?"

"Off my body, if you'd like." I tried to look innocent, but that wasn't a look I could pull off easily.

Baseball Boy's eyes went dark and his grip tightened on my waist. Eureka.

I had just threw in my line and I only needed to reel him in.

Oh God. Chief Charlie and his obsession with fishing was finally catching up to me. Hopefully, I would actually catch something unlike my father.

Instead, my kid stood up. "We should probably cool things off."

"Are you ending this?" I questioned. I was not a happy camper.

He went back to me and wrapped his arms around me. That wasn't really necessary. "Of course not! I just think if we stay here that we'll go too far. I want to wait a bit longer."

If he just said that we wouldn't had to have all the hugging. He was suffocating me with those boy muscles.

"Oh yes. We're back to the marriage talk. We're going to be ninety year old virgins. I take that back. We'll be one hundred and nine year old virgins, because I think we need to take our time to get to know each other before taking such a big step like marriage."

He ruffled my hair like I was his dog. Oh no. That is not happening. He said, "You're so silly. I was thinking prom night we can profess our love with our bodies."

Oh come on now.

"That's a little cliched," I replied. "Prom is already going to be horrible, so why add in our destined horrible first time. I say, let's just do it and get it over with. We then work our way up to an actual pleasurable experience."

He pouted. "That isn't romantic!"

"Neither will the feeling I'll have when you try to cram that large rod into my small hole. First times are not romantic. Movies and television shows lie, but the girls in the locker room don't. Well...about that. Everything else that comes out of their traps is questionable."

"Our prom night will be magical!"

I doubted it. Then I had a nefarious plan.

"Mary Jane told me that it was Forks High tradition that the guys come up with elaborate ways to ask their dates to the big dance," I stated, as brightly as I could. The thought of these displays made me want to mock them, not to be the one getting one.

Baseball Boy, as expected, got excited. "This is fantastic! I can dress up like a knight and..."

"I like pirates." I tried to smile at him.

"The scourges of the seven seas! They are dastardly beasts!" He started running his fingers through his hair in distress.

My kid hated pirates. All pirates. This plan was foolproof.

"We can just hangout here instead," I suggested.

"Captain Hook is a menace," he complained bitterly. "How can you like a cartoon?"

Of course, his brain would immediately go to Disney.

I shrugged. "I was thinking the attractive one on TV. Of course, there's also Captain Jack Sparrow. He can shiver me timbers."

My kid was getting pale. It was time to pull back a bit.

I grimaced a little and hugged him. He immediately smiled and curled into me. Baseball Boy was just like a puppy.

"We should rent some prom inspired horror movies and I'll let you ravish me while we watch them. Of course, we can celebrate our deflowering with pizza. It will be fun."

I rubbed his head. He just made a weird purring noise. It was like taking candy from a baby.

Victory was mine.


	72. Chapter 72

**AN: I'm a true believer that the ability to laugh and smile is one of the reasons that human beings have an unbelievable way of overcoming tragedy and finding that there can still be joy in life.**

**What happened in Boston is an example that there are terrible people in the world, but the people of that great city have shown their tremendous spirit and their kindness to their fellow men and woman. They are true heroes.**

**I'll be updating a couple of times today.**

Chapter 72

_Journal of E. M. Cullen_  
_Ruler of Cullenopeia, Tamer of Dragons and Captain of Forks High Baseball Team_  
(True Love of Maiden Isabella Marie of the Swan Kingdom)

Dear Keeper of my Innermost Secrets of the Realm,

Sometimes in life, you are given a mighty quest.

It's like Derek Jeter needing to hit that last minute home run to get round the bases to take out the dreaded Baltimore Orioles.

My beloved wants me to dress like a pirate. I hate pirates with their missing limbs, horrible skull flags and scurvy. It's my worst nightmare.

It's an actual nightmare where I was on a ship and all my teeth fell out. A pegged leg tyrant was taunting me with an orange. It was horrible. They made me swab the deck.

Sweet Isabella covets them! What is the world coming to?

Of course, she does want to get out of going to prom. My love has a devious mind.

I've noticed her trying to get our sick classmates to sneeze on her and telling Chief Swan that she was allergic to cheesy dance music and punch served in bowls.

Prom will be good for her. If not, I really want to go. Rumor has it, I have a good chance to be crowned king. I shall rule Forks High with Isabella by my side. She will probably use her power to behead the cheerleading squad. I will do anything in my power to make her happy, but perhaps she can just spray them with a hose. Emmett would like it.

The only problem don't know if can I stomach dressing like a pirate and trying to woo my lady with the dastardly words of the scourge of the seven seas. Is my love enough to make myself do something so repulsive?

I have to think about the gains of this sacrifice. Our lovemaking with me officially as king will be all the more special. Maybe, Isabella will let me wear my crown. I'll make her a matching one. I wonder if Alice will let me have some construction paper and glitter. Yes, silver glitter will look fetching on my beloved's crown. It will be glorious.

My decision is clear.

Off I go...the elderly King Carlisle is yelling up the stairs. The Queen Mother has made Ye Olde Beef Stew for dinner. It shall be filling and delicious!

Fare thee well!

King Edward


	73. Chapter 73

**AN: Argh.**

Chapter 73

There was something in the air at Forks High and it wasn't the smell of Sloppy Joes. I didn't like it one bit.

I pulled my hoodie cave up and put on my father's huge aviator sunglasses that I had pilfered from him. I could blend into the walls and no one would notice me.

"Girl, why are you in your hoodie disguise?" Kate came up to where I was facing the wall. "You look like you're about to rob a bank."

I turned around. "I'm hiding."

"Everyone can see you." Kate pulled down my hood. "Why are you hiding?"

"Don't you feel it, Mary Jane?" I questioned, taking off the sunglasses. They were prescription and were hurting my eyes. "Love is in the air."

Baseball Boy was acting weird. I had a feeling he was up to something. My hope that the annoying cuddling would distract him from thoughts of prom. It had been working, but he kept muttering to himself. That's never a good thing.

Kate laughed and shuddered dramatically. "It's the dreaded prom. It turns everyone into fools. Thankfully, I think Garrett has given up that we are..."

Her mouth dropped open, as Teeth ran up in an old fashioned tux, complete with top hat and tails. He held in his hands a bouquet of roses. Cheech shuffled behind carrying a fiddle.

Oh yes. This would rank as one of the best days ever.

Kate's face was the color of a beet.

Teeth snapped his finger, twirled around and pointed to Cheech, "Hit it, Jazz."

Cheech started fiddling and Teeth started dancing.

I was amazed. Cheech had some mad fiddling skills. Teeth's dancing needed some work, because he kept tripping all over his big feet. He looked like a floundering mackerel.

I was about to make a snide comment to Mary Jane, but I looked over to see her giving a sappy smile to Teeth. She was bitten by the prom bug too. I was the only sane one here.

Teeth decided to finish his dance with a turning jump and landed flat on his ass. Mary Jane let out a squeak and ran over to him.

"Are you okay?" She asked rubbing his face.

He groaned. "You literally are an angel, Katherine Hudson. Will you give me the extreme pleasure of accepting my invitation to be my date for prom?"

"Yes!" She cried and kissed him.

Gag.

Cheech came up and with his lazy drawl said, "It's romantic, man. I wrote Alice another poem."

"You should play your fiddle for her," I suggested. "She'd like that."

I was way too nice to these people.

"That's a good idea, man." He gave me his weird half smile. "This is actually a violin."

Whatever.

"Hey man, why is a pirate from the Caribbean coming down the hall?"

No. He wouldn't.

My kid was dressed in pirate gear and walking on a fake peg leg. He was holding a fake hook on his hand. If that wasn't awkward enough, he had on a long, black wig and an eyepatch. There was a live parrot perched on his shoulder and pecking his hat. Baseball Boy was waving his hook at it and yelling. "Stop Polly! That hurts!"

The parrot squawked, "Henry is a fucking bastard! Henry is a fucking bastard! Bastard!"

This normally would be hilarious. It would be hilarious, if it was happening to somebody else. It wasn't. I pulled my hoodie back up to hide. We could only pray he couldn't see me.

"Yo ho ho! I wish to pillage the fair Isabella! Argh!"

Damn it.


	74. Chapter 74

**AN: When I'm feeling blue, the reviews make me smile and laugh.**

**I have a one shot I just posted tonight called, Seeing Stars. I would love it if you all could check it out.**

**More to come. Enjoy.**

Chapter 74

"Are you wearing eyeliner?" I grabbed my kid's face and pulled it close to mine.

The parrot squawked loudly in his ear, "Henry is a bastard!"

I think I loved that bird.

"Stop it, Polly!" My kid jumped. He then said to me, "Lass, it is the way of the pirates!"

"Did you steal it from your mom or Alice?" I tried to rub it off with some spit and my thumb.

He stared at my lips like he was going to lick them. How pirate of him, I guessed. I had no clue about men who sailed and wore pantaloons. I just made the thing about pirates up, because Baseball Boy hated them. What I didn't count on was my kid's insane desire to wear a bow tie and a boutonniere.

"I bought my own eyeliner! Don't you know that germs that can be introduced in tear ducts?" He admonished. He quickly went back into swashbuckler mode. "They call me Captain Bones, because..."

I raised my eyebrows. "You want to jump my bones?"

"Yes! Wait...be serious here, Bella!" He got all flustered. There was no way, I could ever be serious with him in that pirate get up. The parrot climbed onto his pirate hat. "I'm the scourge of the seven seas and I shall be taking ye to..."

"To the ye olde inn? To walk the plank? To hunt for buried treasure? Is that buried treasure in my pants? I hear you pirates like to dig right in." He blushed bright red and had to adjust his pantaloons. I bet he wanted to find my treasure that blushing pirate.

"To prom," he squeaked. The parrot pooped on his hat.

Kate looked at me and snickered.

That bird was fantastic.

"Are you going to throw me over you shoulder and force me to accompany you to the ball?" I moved closer. "Pillage my feminine virtue next to the punch bowl, while I nibble on some crackers?"

"Oh, shiver me timbers!" He squeaked.

I touched the tip of his nose gently. "I'll shiver your timber, kid."

"Oh, Bella!" He swooned.

This was fun.

"Henry is a bastard! Henry is a Bastard!" Polly was on a roll.

I moved back from my clearly uncomfortable boyfriend. He had a pokey sword in his breeches and it was happy to see me. I looked at Polly. "Where did you get the foul mouthed bird?"

"Mr. Johnson at the pet store. It belonged to his ex-wife. He gave me Polly for ten dollars." My kid added. "I'm returning her."

I looked at the bird. It looked at me. We were both snarly and irritable. It was if I found my kindred spirit.

"Give me the bird, kid," I stated, as I gently let the bird walk onto my arm.

He looked surprised. "Why?"

"I want it. Her new name is Annie Oakley," I announced. "Annie, you are coming home with me."

My kid looked at me like I had two heads. "Why?"

"Why not?" I said back to him. Annie Oakley was the quickest draw in the West. Annie Oakley, the bird, would be quickest insult deliverer in Washington state. It was my dream come true.

"If you go to prom with me!" Baseball Boy announced loudly.

"Sure," I said dismissively. I would promise to marry him, if it would give me my bird. He obviously had asked the wrong question.

"Yes!" My kid tried to kiss me.

"Hold up." I held his face back. I didn't think Annie Oakley liked him very much. They would just have to learn to coexist. "Annie, I want you to say that Tanya is a dirty whore."

My kid said to Teeth as I gazed at my bird and taught her more words, "My Bella is going to be a wonderful mother!"

"Edward Cullen, she is literally teaching that bird to say curse words and insults," Teeth pointed out.

"I know isn't she wonderful?" My kid asked with a bright smile. "We're going to prom!"

Oh fuck.

"Annie, say fuckety, fuck, fuck," I suggested. It illustrated my mood.

She squawked, "Fuckety, fuck, fuck, Edward Cullen."

That will do, bird. That will do.


	75. Chapter 75

**AN: I had a rough day yesterday, but writing Curve Ball makes me happy. (Though my stories are thought of as being immature. Well...if the shoe fits, I'll wear it. They kids like my immaturity and hopefully some of you like it too.)**

**Thank you for reading.**

Chapter 75

"Where the hell did you get the bird, Bella?" Chief Charlie was not a happy camper.

I stroked my Annie and shrugged. "It was destined by the heavens that this would be my bird. Annie Oakley flew down from the sky and landed on my shoulder, just as God intended."

"You're an atheist."

"Details. Details." I looked at Annie. "Mike Newton smells like stinky cheese. Say it, Annie. Mike Newton smells like stinky cheese."

My dear old dad plopped down into his recliner and turned on _Sports Center._ "Stop teaching that bird to insult people."

"I feel this is the most compassionate way to insult. Wouldn't they rather the insults come from the cute beak of Annie Oakley instead of a human mouth. It softens the blow, me thinks." I gave Annie a cracker.

"You're a weird child," Chief Charlie stated. He looked at the TV. "Damn Lakers."

"It's genetic, old timer. You're an odd man, too." I said to Annie, "Tanya is a dirty slut. You can say it, Annie."

He looked towards the kitchen. "Why do you need the bird? You have the monkeys."

"They just swim around and mate making more creepy sea monkeys. Annie Oakley says horrible things. Which of these do you think makes the better pet?" I questioned. I think Annie Oakley looked sad at that Chief Charlie was not admiring her special skills. "Annie Oakley is my friend and you should be nicer to her. You wanted me to make a friend."

"You do realize that your friend is a bird!" He opened a can of beer and started guzzling. I was driving him to drink again.

I shrugged. "When you wished upon that star, old man, perhaps you should have been more specific on what type of friend you wanted for me."

"More like your crazy mother everyday," he muttered.

The phone rang.

Like a standoff in the Wild West, we just stared at each other from our seats.

"You gonna get that?" He asked, eyes narrowed.

I narrowed mine right back at him. "Go right ahead, Father. Annie Oakley is comfortable."

The phone kept ringing. We kept staring.

"Fine," he huffed and stood. He shuffled over to the phone and barked into it, "What?"

He was quiet for a minute and tossed the phone at me almost hitting my bird. "Angela wants to talk to you."

Boobs.

"What?" I barked into the phone.

She giggled on the other end. "Hi! I thought you weren't home. It rang for an awfully long time!"

"We didn't want to get up to answer it."

Can I point out that I hate talking on the phone? It wastes valuable television watching time. My dad put on his favorite _Starsky and Hutch_. It was seventies television programming at it's finest and jabber jaws was making me miss it.

"...it would only be a couple of hours."

Huh?

"What would be only be a couple of hours?" I wasn't listening to her at all.

"The double date. James asked me yesterday. My dad said I could only go on double dates after what happened with Ben," she stated sadly and sniffed. Oh no. Boobs was crying.

Why must she use the water works?

"I brought a parrot home and I think Chief Charlie is a bit sore about it. I doubt he'll be willing to babysit Annie Oakley," I said, trying to let her down easy.

"It's a damn bird, Bella," Charlie muttered.

A damn bird who squawked, "Fuck, Edward Cullen! Fuckety, fuck, fuck, fuck, Edward Cullen!"

Damn it.

Chief Charlie grabbed the phone from me. "Angela, Bella Marie will be overjoyed to double date with you. It will get her lazy butt off my couch."

I glared at him, as he turned off the phone.

He looked at the bird. "Do you think it was funny to teach the bird to say that?"

"Annie Oakley did that one on her own," I explained. "It is hilarious, Chief Charlie. My parrot is a genius."

"Great. It will be easier for me to teach her some new things when you're on your date." Chief Charlie smiled evilly.

No.

I looked at Annie Oakley and shook my head sadly. "That was between us, Annie."

Kids these days.


	76. Chapter 76

**AN: Yesterday was crazy! I'll try to post two today. :0)**

Chapter 76 (EPOV)

Chief Swan was giving me the evil eye.

I was trying to pick up my darling Bella to take her to the movies and there he sat across from me cleaning a scary looking firearm.

I took a deep breath. "It's a really nice night, sir. They were calling for rain today on the news."

Bella's father just stared at me. It was frightening.

When Bella called me about double dating with Angela and James, I was ecstatic. She usually prefers to sit on the couch, watch television and eat junk food. Sometimes, if I was lucky, we'd make out.

I think I would be happier being tagged out in the big game then fearing for my life.

"Fuck Edward Cullen! Fuckety, fuck Edward Cullen!" Bella's bird squawked.

Oh no! That horrible cursing parrot! No wonder pirates chose them as pets!

"Quiet now, Annie Oakley," Chief Swan said to the bird.

The bird squawked back, "Chief Swan! Top cop!"

"Good, Annie Oakley," he said to the bird. He was smiling at it. Then that smile turned upside down and he glared at me. "Son, are you planning on fornicating with my child."

I squeezed my hands together and squeaked, "No, sir!"

I was, but I liked being alive more than admitting my intentions towards his daughter.

"Annie Oakley doesn't think that's the case."

I was going to kill Emmett for teaching that stupid bird to say that. "The parrot is mistaken, sir. It's Emmett's fault."

"Hmm..." He was playing with his mustache. It was terrifying. "I don't need grandchildren at the moment, Edward Cullen. Annie Oakley and the sea monkeys are quite enough."

"Yes, sir!"

Chief Swan was going murder me and bury me in a shallow grave in the forest.

Bella clomped down the stairs loudly. Scowling, she said, "Let's get this over with."

I stood up quickly. "Great idea, Bella!"

"Remember our talk, son." He waved his gun at me.

"Stop scaring him," Bella admonished. As she pulled me towards the door, she called back to him. "Don't worry, Daddy. My kid always keeps it wrapped up."

I was a dead man.


	77. Chapter 77

**AN: Hi.**

Chapter 77

"Popcorn, belove...Bella?" My kid asked. He was always trying to slip in those terms of endearment.

I played with his fingers. He was in love with the hand holding. "Popcorn, Skittles, some nachos, a large Coke for me. What are you getting?"

"A Gatorade," he answered, with a smile. Eww. "Can I share your nachos?"

Share? Was he now smoking Mary Jane and Cheech's now unused wacky weed?

"Fine," I stated.

The things I do for this boy.

That's when I saw Pastor Weber wearing dark sunglasses and a fedora. He was hiding behind a pillar by a poster with a severed head on it. It was the movie we were seeing. My pick.

"What movie does your holy roller papa think we're seeing?" I asked Boobs.

She looked sheepish. "I told him I thought we were seeing, The Long Way Home."

"Is that the children's movie about the pigs trying to get back to a farm? Wouldn't they want to get away from the farm? They would be only a few short years from becoming bacon if they went back."

Hollywood had the worst movie ideas and Sandra Bullock needed a new agent.

Baseball Boy hugged me. "My girl is so smart!"

He was impressed easily.

We were heading into the theater, I noticed Pastor Weber tripping over potted plant. He dove behind it and peeked at us.

The way he was sneaking around the theater, I think that Boob's dad thought he was a spy for Jesus. If Boobs and James Taylor didn't behave themselves, there was no way that her dad would let her go to prom. She would be lucky to be able to get frozen yogurt with the reformed dastardly crooner.

Maybe there was a God, because he was going to make me help Boobs again. Annoying.

James Taylor kept trying to take her hand and I kept pulling Boobs away.

"Bella, I just want to hold Angela's hand," he complained.

"Sing your sad love song somewhere else, James Taylor." I linked my arm with Boobs. She had a beaming smile. I think she thought we were best friends. The forever type who would talk on the phone about boys and paint out nails with glitter nail polish. Not gonna happen.

Our seating arrangements were also not to James Taylor's satisfaction as well. He sat next to my kid and I sat next to Angela.

James eyes narrowed as he watched Baseball Boy hold my hand. "I think you could trust me sitting next to Angela. I respect her, Swan."

"James Taylor, do you want to continue taking Angela out on dates and hopefully take her to the stupid prom and amaze her with your ridiculous dance moves?" I hissed. "Pastor Weber is right behind us clutching his holy book and whispering prayers behind us. He's like James Bond without the cool gadgets and seduction techniques."

James Taylor looked back and saw the good minister trying to hide behind a newspaper. "Shit! You're right, Swan! Angela, your dad is behind us."

Boobs turned bright red and slumped down in her seat. "This is so embarrassing!"

It was. It was also hilarious.

My kid was nuzzling my neck.

James Taylor leaned over to smile at Boobs. "It's sweet that your dad is watching out for you. You're precious and should be looked after and cherished."

It was so sweet, in fact, that I could feel a cavity coming.

Boobs swooned, of course.

Baseball Boy's hands started wandering, as the lights dimmed.

The movie was gory. Heads exploded. Eyeballs fell out of sockets. Pastor Weber was screaming like a girl.

My kid clutched me tightly with his eyes shut tightly, muttering, "Please make it stop. Please make it stop."

I kissed him. It was the kindest way to distract him from the horror. He was practically on my lap and attacking my mouth was his tongue.

I was so distracted, as my kid touched my breast, that I almost missed James Taylor saying, "Would you two get a room? So unfair!"


	78. Chapter 78

**AN: It's been a really long day.**

Chapter 78

"Miss Swan, I'm certain you don't want to pursue a career in trash collection."

Mr. Malloy had a huge bald spot and whenever his head moved the fluorescent lights hit it. It was mesmerizing.

He was also a horrible guidance counselor.

"It's honorable career. Would you like trash all over your yard? You sir, are bigoted towards sanitation engineering."

This was too much fun.

Mr. Malloy buried his head in his hands. I was frustrating on the best of days. Today I was incorrigible.

"Miss Swan..."

"I tease, Mr. Malloy. Would you like to hear my other plan?"

He looked up in relief. "Yes, Miss Swan!"

"Strip Club."

"What?" He exclaimed in shock.

"Don't get your tighty whiteys in a bunch, Mr. Malloy. I can't dance and I have an aversion to tight clothing with sparkles." I added with a smirk. "I want to be a bouncer."

His fingers tapped on his desk in irritation. I looked at all the self help and inspiration mumbo jumbo posters on his wall. There were a lot of kittens hanging in there and staying positive. Runners were going for the gold. Also, Garfield the curmudgeon, comic cat was placed by the file cabinets. That was something I could look up too. Of course, he was saying no to drugs. That made no sense. Unless Jon was slipping his kitty some Prozac so he wouldn't murder Odie with his tongue.

Random thoughts when suffering in the Guidance Counselor's office.

"Miss Swan, have you even thought about college?" He asked and he started chugging lukewarm coffee. He had to have spiked that stuff.

I decided to show him an ounce of kindness. "Perhaps."

"Applications had to be..."

"I've been accepted."

"Where?" Mr. Malloy looked surprised. "Are you staying in the area? Being shipped overseas in the armed forces? You can't imagine the way discipline can..."

He must be delusional. Actually, being in the same room all day with the poster of puppies in a basket would make someone criminally insane.

That's why he wouldn't ever find out where I was going. "It's a surprise."

"For who?"

"Everybody. Except me. I'm good at keeping secrets. Shh."

I would share when I was on the plane to the East Coast. Baseball Boy would want to follow me and probably lose some scholarships for ball hitting. It was better this way to keep him in the dark. It kept life exciting.

"Listen, I need to go nap...I mean head to gym." I stood up and gave him a thumbs up. "Admirable job guiding me. Bravo and keep up the good work."

"Why do I think you mean that sarcastically?" He sighed.

I shrugged. "Probably because I mean everything sarcastically."

I opened the door and my kid tumbled in the door. He looked up at me from the floor. "Hi!"

"How did the fact finding mission go, super spy?" I asked, pulling him up.

He pouted with his cute lips. "You didn't say anything!"

"Of course, I didn't." I rolled my eyes. "You should know better than to think I would willing share things."

"I will find out where you're going to college!" Baseball Boy stated. He was adorable when he was trying to be tough. "You'll tell me!"

"Sure I will. In that first phone call, when I tell you about the nice brothers of Delta Theta Jackass inviting me to my first kegger." I patted his face. He seemed to like it. "It will be fine. We aren't breaking up, just exploring two separate places. I'll let you visit me and cuddle in my uncomfortable tiny bed. My roommate will be a slutty and snore. Wanna bet?"

"Bella," he whined. "We're going to go to the same school."

"Come on, you poor baby. I'll make out with you in the library. That should distract you." I took his hand and he smiled. It was like taking candy from a baby.

"Miss Swan and Mr. Cullen, get to class!" Mr. Malloy demanded.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever.


	79. Chapter 79

**AN: I hope you enjoy.**

**I would suggest skipping the movie ****_Pink Flamingos_****. I'm still scarred for life after watching it.**

Chapter 79 (EPOV)

I wasn't going to search Bella's room, but sometimes a man has to resort to being devious to uncover the truth. The truth that was probably being hidden in an underwear drawer filled with frilly and lacy pieces of fabric.

Silky pink and ruffles? I held it out and stared. I only see the white ones when we're making out. Bella's been hiding the good stuff!

I knew I couldn't be distracted and I tossed the panties back into the jumbled mess. My girl didn't know how to organize.

This was Bella's own fault. Once again, I was left on her bed shirtless, while she went to get us drinks. I watched the minutes click by on her clock radio and realized that she got distracted by the images on the television again. She would be in a zombie state in front of her dad's giant screen for hours. Perfect time for snooping.

I pulled out a black bra with yellow polka dots. I must not faint. How can I get her in these things?

I continued to rummage, pulling out another pair of purple panties. Was this a thong? It was all straps. I sniffed it. It smelled like Tide. I felt a wave of embarrassment for sniffing my girlfriend's delicates. My mother would disown me.

There at the bottom sat the envelopes that I needed. I really had no doubt, Bella would have hidden them here. It was the last place on earth that Charlie would ever go near.

I flipped through all the heavy envelopes. She had been accepted to Johns Hopkins, Harvard, Dartmouth, and Yale from what I could see from the first stack. The next stack was full of envelopes that were just as thick. I knew my girl was brilliant!

"Hey, kid. I certainly hope you are planning on trying on my underwear and not searching my drawers." My beloved leaned against her doorway, holding cans of soda. "I think you would look fetching in the light yellow ones with the pink flowers on them."

"I love you," I squeaked. My manhood goes out the window when she's around.

"I know." She walked over and grabbed the newest stack out of my hands. "You applied to a lot of these schools, right?"

"I got in them all," I admitted. "I haven't picked one yet."

"Hmm..." She looked at me. Her expression was softer somehow. "I haven't picked mine yet either."

"Oh." I could only hope she would consider our future in her decision.

"These are the ones I'm considering, because of the scholarships." She threw four envelopes on the bed. "Franklin & Marshall is an option, because of the proximity to the Amish."

"What?" She was so confusing sometimes, but so much fun.

She shrugged. "They make great jam and have an Amish mafia. I saw it on reality television."

"You know that it probably isn't real," I said with a grin. We were joking! She wasn't suffocating me with her panties!

"I know. Nobody makes better jam than Smuckers." She pointed to the stack and sat next to them. "Let's pick a damn school. I should have known I wouldn't have gotten rid of you so easily."

"You love me," I stated, I kissed her wrinkled up nose. "You know you want me with you."

"You've grown on me like a fungal skin condition. I'm stuck with you." Bella looked down at the papers she took out of the envelope on the top. Her face was somewhat pink. My girl was blushing. "I'm pretty fond of you. I guess...umm...love works. Anyway, John's Hopkins is the home of John Waters. Have you ever seen, _Pink Flamingos_?"

"No." She loves me! "Is it a comedy?"

"Oh just you wait." Her smile was wicked.

"I like crab cakes," I said with a big smile.

"Me too, but soft shells are better. You crunch into their bodies." That seemed disgusting. She then added, "Kid?"

"Yes, my Bella?"

"You'll be putting on the pink ruffled panties and matching bra. I'm taking pictures. That's the only way you'll ever learn not to go through my drawers." She smiled. A big smile.

Damn it.


	80. Chapter 80

**AN: I hope this is okay. It's been rough lately. Thanks for reading.**

Chapter 80

"I'm not wearing that," I stated. I pulled my hoodie up. Maybe it would hide me from all the pink sparkles.

Teeny Tiny Dictator tried to pull it off my head. "Just because you put that on doesn't mean you disappear."

It's worth a damn shot.

My father made me go with Dictator to the dreaded mall. He gave her money to force me to buy a dress. I certainly wasn't taking the money. The man was a monster.

The store was one of those teeny bopper stores filled with bright colors and the sounds of moaning boy bands that wounded my poor ears. If I heard them whining about forever love for one more minute, I would bludgeon the sales girl in the tight jeans. She was giving me the evil eye. It was that or her overabundance of mascara was making her eyes all squinty.

"What color would you consider wearing?" Kate asked. She was no help. If she was a real friend she would be plotting our great escape right now.

I scowled. "What color are you wearing, Mary Jane?"

"Black, girl. It's a vintage cocktail dress at picked up at Port Vintage. Very Audrey Hepburn." Kate pulled out a purple dress that looked liked it had been attacked by a Bead Dazzler. She added with a grin, "How about this?"

"I hate you." She just grinned at me. "Why are we here then? We could get a dress that was once worn by a school marm. I like high collars."

Dictator pulled out a pile of dresses. "Your dad said to bring you here."

"You do realize that when he went to prom they wore blue ruffled tuxes and did the shuffle?" My nose was hit by the worst smell ever. "What is that horrible smell? It's like rotting flowers, skunk and desperation."

"It's Ke$ha's new fragrance!" Dictator exclaimed.

That figured.

Kate gave me an awkward one armed hug. "I know you're going to prom for Edward. What do you think he would like?"

Dictator added quickly, "Do not say jeans and that awful hoodie you're wearing. What is that stain on it?"

"I'm not sure." I looked down at it. I guessed it was mayonnaise. It was shaped like horse head. An idea flourished with that oily blot. "Drop those dresses, Dictator."

"Why?" She asked in annoyance. "You aren't going in sweats!"

I grabbed the dresses in her arms and threw them to the ground. "What if I told you that I love your brother?"

"I would faint from the fact that you're sharing your feelings. Bella, you are an emotional hermit and I say that with love," she stated, causing Kate to snort.

"Listen up, I love that weird kid and I think I know what will make him happy." It sort of just tumbled out of my mouth like gibberish.

Kate dropped the pretzel she had gotten from the kiosk outside of the store. "Oh my God, I think she grew a heart!"

"Mary Jane, go away." I turned to Teeny Tiny Dictator. "I need to see your mom."

"Why?" She asked, as her eyes widened. "You aren't, are you?"

I shrugged. "If I'm going to embarrass myself, I should go all out."

The sales girl came over with a sneer, "Can I help you with anything?"

"With this teen stripper wear? Nope." I pointed to the pile of dresses. "You might want to clean these up.''

"Bella!" Dictator exclaimed, as she grabbed dresses off the floor. "Let me help you with those! She was raised in a barn."

It's like they expect me to completely turn a new leaf in a day. Silly, silly girls.


	81. Chapter 81

**AN: Enjoy.**

Chapter 81

I didn't think I could feel more uncomfortable after my _Dungeons & Dragons_ first date, but no, getting ready from prom with the Cullen matriarch was a million times worse.

"Can't I just wear a ponytail?"

I was trying to compromise. I would have just been happy to wear my hair down and pull it all over my face like Cousin It.

The deranged woman was stringing beads in my hair and using a box of pins to make curls stay affixed to my head. It hurt. This was ridiculous. I was going to pull it all out.

"You're such a pretty girl! Edward is going to love all of this," the mama bear cooed.

She just had to throw in a remark about Baseball Boy. Damn it. I would suffer for him. Stupid love.

"Fine," I huffed.

Teeny Tiny Dictator sat on my bed applying her mascara. "I don't see why I had to dress like Bella, Mother."

The one bonus was the my maniacal dictator friend was forced to suffer along with me.

"You look beautiful, Alice. Next year, you can be boring and traditional. This year rise up in solidarity with Bella." She jabbed me with a bobby pin making me wince. "Sorry, sweetheart. We're almost done."

"Ow!" I think she knew I was going to seduce her son. Esme Cullen was torturing me on purpose.

tried to fix the torture device. "You have such lovely hair, but it just doesn't want to stay put."

I felt like a human voodoo doll.

"Mom, I think she looks great. No more pins!" My savior was a renaissance princess named Alice.

"One more, sweetheart!" She jabbed me again. My poor scalp was on fire. "I'll tell you what I told Edward, Bella. I'll see you both tomorrow morning. I'll make pancakes."

Mrs. Cullen winked at me. What?

She looked at Alice. "I expect you home right after the dance. Oh Bella, sweetheart, I put a little something in your purse."

I looked into the velvet clutch and saw condoms. Oh my.

She winked at me again. "Your father thinks your spending the night with Alice."

I pinched myself. Not a dream.

Dictator came up and put her arm around me. "You look pretty."

"You look like a Disney princess," I told her. "Very Snow White."

"I'll take that as a compliment," Dictator said with a grin.

There was a knock at the door. Chief Charlie peeked his head in. "Well ladies, your dates are here. You look...umm...yep...you'll do."

"You and your compliments, old timer. No wonder I'm so vain." I gave a tiny smile.

My dad snickered.

Mrs. Cullen looked at us and sighed, "She takes after you, Charlie."

Chief Charlie just grinned.

I gathered my big skirts and headed towards the stairs. I felt unusually nervous. I was Anne Boleyn about to be beheaded by Henry the Eighth. Everything could change, because of this one night.

That's when saw my kid waiting for me. For the first time ever, I found that a tuxedo looked good. My kid was attractive and I wanted to make out with him in front of my dad. Awkward.

Baseball Boy looked at me and he held out his hand. "You're a dream come true."

Annie Oakley squawked, "Fuck Edward Cullen! Fuck Edward Cullen!"

I certainly shall.


	82. Chapter 82

**AN: I'm going to try and post several chapters today.**

**Also...I posted the sequel to The Little Pink House today. It's called White Picket Fences.**

**Finally, there's this contest of silly stories that I might or might not be in. You should check it out, maybe review and when the time comes vote. All the entries are excellent. In author search type in Twific-textmessagelolcontest.**

Chapter 82

My head was flat on the table at the prom. It was at the swankiest hotel in Forks, which meant moose heads and hunting rifles were used as decorative touches. The decorating committee seemed to try their best to make it fit the theme with tin foil stars and construction paper planets.

It was, An Out Of This World Night.

I was more inclined to think that the prom committee was out of their minds letting Jacob and Seth DJ the event. The only plus for the not so dynamic duo was that the school provided better recording equipment and gave them more variety of music to play. It wasn't a good variety, but at least it wasn't just a Selena Gomez and Taylor Swift fest of girl whining.

"What's wrong with you, Bella?" I heard chomping in my ear. I looked up to see Trailer Trash Barbie in a slinky fluorescent pink dress and chomping gum. I felt I went into a time warp, back to the eighties. I looked down at my velvet dress. Make that the Renaissance.

"This shindig isn't my thing." I looked up. "Let's go get a pizza."

"It's fun! Look at my Emmie out there on the dance floor!"

Emmett was dancing by himself on the dance floor. It was a strange shuffle in a circle with his arms in the air waving slowly. He looked like an escaped mental patient. Actually, insane mental patients would probably be better dancers.

"Shouldn't you cut a rug with him or something?" I asked, she passed me a cup of punch.

"After a couple of more glasses of this good stuff," Trailer announced. She clicked my glass and poured it down.

I took a sniff it was almost pure liquor and a dash of fruit punch. "This is almost all booze."

"Isn't it grand?" Trailer raised her glass.

Teeny Tiny Dictator took a swig and started choking. Cheech was trying to pat her back it wasn't working at all.

Teeth came up, pulling an embarrassed looking Kate behind him. Hee hee. "You literally look like a beautiful princesses, Bella Swan and Alice Cullen. We should have all dressed in the same time period. Let's have another Olden Times party!"

"I thought you liked my dress, man!" Kate was pissed.

"Kate Hudson, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen," Teeth cooed. He kissed her hand. If I wasn't so jaded I would have found it charming.

Baseball Boy came up behind me and kissed my neck, placing a bottle of water in front of me. He was feeling frisky. "Bella, you like a vision of loveliness. I wish I got a heads up about her surprise, Garrett. I would have worn a matching outfit, complete with sword."

Oh he had a sword already. It was quite prominent in his pants.

"Bella," he whispered in my ear. "I wish I was your king tonight, not decked out in this monkey suit."

There he goes being adorable again.

I grabbed him behind his head and pulled his face down towards mine. "I like you in a monkey suit, Tarzan. Just call me Jane."

I kissed him. He almost fell into my lap.

"Damn, Swan, get a room!" James Taylor crowed. He held Boob's and hand and was positively jaunty.

I shot him a dirty look. "Why are you so chipper, James Taylor? Getting a new recording contracting to make our ears bleed with your folk mumblings?"

"Can we give the music jokes a rest, Swan?" He glared at me.

"No." Those jokes brought me joy. He must be crazy.

"Not even your snark can bring me down, Swan!" He pointed to Boob's dad drinking the punch. The minister was guzzling it. "He's going to be the worst chaperone ever!"

"James Taylor, did you spike the punch?" Teeth shook his finger at him. That boy was a stickler for following the rules.

James Taylor grinned and hugged Boobs tightly. "I can't take credit for this one."

"It's Mike!" Boobs pointed to a barely standing Mike Newton. He was trying to pour a flask into the punch bowl. His eyes rolled to the back of his head and he fell head first into the cheese plate.

I stood up. "On that note, I'm going to the bathroom."

Teeny Tiny Dictator grabbed my arm. "Let's fix our lipstick!"

Boobs and Trailer squealed in unison, "Me too!"

"Must you come? I need to pee."

Why must girls always go to the bathroom in a posse? Do I look like I want to talk about boys and nail polish?

"I don't want to listen to you pee, girl." Kate was my favorite for a reason.

Of course, the gaggle of giggly girls didn't listen to me at all. They followed me right on in.

To make everything even more annoying, Tanya was primping in front of the bathroom.

She turned to me and smiled. "Hello there, Marie Antoinette. I like the cleavage."

"Wrong time period, evil cheerleader." This school was doing horrible job teaching history.

"Are you going to have sex with Cullen?" Her eyes narrowed.

What?

"Oh my god! Are you?" Boobs exclaimed. "It's going to be so romantic! Unlike Ben and I, you and Edward are soul mates! You are destined to have an amazing sexual awaking that will result in emotional fireworks!"

What?

Trailer Trash Barbie hopped up and sat on the counter of the sink. "Wanna borrow Emmie's new van? He put a mattress in the back. It's very springy!"

She wiggled her eyebrows. Oh they must stop with the talking.

"That's my brother! Gross!" Dictator looked ill. Maybe this would stop all the talking about my evening plans. "Remember to make him wrap it up, Bella."

I wonder if I could curl up under the sink and die now.

"I was planning on being your first time, Bella," Tanya stated. "Want to get it on in a stall?"

"Are you insane?" I asked.

Wait...of course, she is.

I took a deep breath. "Thank you for your concern, ladies. I think. The exception would be you, Tanya. You're demented. Shouldn't you be bothering Jessica?"

"She broke up with me again. Jess thinks I'm needy." Tanya began to pout.

I could see Jessica's point.

"Anyway, this is my decision. Excuse me, but I'm going back out to the horrible music being played by Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb."

I walked out the door and right into my kid's arms. He smiled. "Hey beautiful, shall we dance?"

Do we have to?

I still need to pee.


	83. Chapter 83

Chapter 83 (EPOV)

Bella was the most beautiful girl in the world. She was more exquisite than any elven princess in _The Lord of the Rings_. My angel was more amazing than Daenerys Targaryen and her dragons. More bootylicious than Beyonce. Don't tell her I said that.

I held her in my arms and swayed to the Beethoven piece I paid Jacob to play. He was resistant at first, but the one hundred dollar bill I gave him was very convincing.

Actually, I swayed. I was forcibly moving her. Her eyes were wide. She whispered, "We're dancing."

"Yes. Isn't it nice?" I smiled at her wrinkled up nose. She taunts me with that tiny thing. I nibbled it.

"Hey there, bud. I was just stating an annoying fact. This isn't time to play eat Bella's nose." She was stiff as a bored in my arms. I rubbed her back.

Bella made me feel like a man. I whispered, "I was thinking about eating something else upstairs in the room I got us."

"What?" Bella made us stop swaying. "You planning to order up a sandwich? A bag of chips?"

"You." Her eyes looked like they were going to pop out of her head.

"Kid, you better not be messing with me." She smiled, her tiny smile. "I like your tongue."

"What?" I squeaked. My tuxedo pants felt awfully tight.

She whispered in my ear, "Don't mess with the master."

"Oh!" She never let's me win. I'm okay with that.

"I have to pee," she stated. "Can you make sure Tanya doesn't follow me in? I think she likes the idea of sexually harassing me in there."

I really didn't like Tanya Denali.

"Of course..." I began to say. I was cut off by the hyper Lauren Malloy. She was always happy. I think she gave my Bella a headache.

"Hey, everybody! It's time to crown king and queen!"

Bella was rubbing her head. I was right. Lauren did that to almost everyone.  
I was excited though. It was time for me to shine! I would be king over them all and Bella, my queen. She already had on the queenly dress and the plastic, gold crown would be perfect final touch.

"This is it, my love!" I was so excited and grabbed her hand. I was bouncing with anticipation for the first royal dance between me and my queen.

"Please no." Bella was completely putting on an act. She couldn't wait either. She was bouncing up and down, too!

Lauren said into the microphone, "Let's give a big hand to our king, Edward Cullen!"

Yes! I started to drag Bella to the stage as our people clapped for us.

"Your queen...Tanya Denali!"

Bella let go of my hand and started hysterically laughing. The pain of losing had made her lose her precious mind.

She clutched her stomach. "Thank god, I have to pee so bad. That will keep Tanya busy. Thanks, kid. Love you for this.

Bella ran towards the bathroom.

I stood before Tanya as they placed the gaudy crowns on our heads. They were tarnished now.

Tanya took my hands and swayed with me to Bruno Mars. Her face look disgusted. Mine was the same. "I hate you, Cullen."

"Same here, Denali."

"She will be mine," Tanya hissed.

"I'll keep that in mind when I'm making sweet love to my beloved tonight."

I smiled. She stomped on my foot.

Stupid prom.

**AN: You all can guess what's up next. Ha.**


	84. Chapter 84

**AN: You asked for it.**

Chapter 84

Baseball Boy was wearing only boxers. Boxers covered in dragons. He was one fine looking boy.

My kid was trying to unzip the dress that his mother stuffed me in. A deer's head was staring at me with it dead black eyes. Sure they were probably beads of some kind, but they freaked me out.

"I think you're stuck." My kid was struggling.

I glared at the deer. "Are you going to throw my voluminous skirts over my head and get it on? I mean have at it, but I think my participation will be minimal."

"Oh no! We'll get you out!" He was breathing heavily. I thought that was going to happen later. For a baseball star, the kid gets winded easily. "Damn dress!"

"Scissors?"

He gasped. "My mom will kill me."

"It's for the greater good."

The greater good of getting in my pantaloons.

"Indeed it is," he reluctantly agreed. I watched him grab a pair of manicure scissors from his duffle bag.

Really?

"What are those for?"

He blushed. "I want to make sure my nails are trimmed nicely before...I..."

"Stick them in a hole?"

He looked nauseous. "Bella!"

He made some little cuts at the zipper and it came down finally. "Just some string stuck in the zipper. Whoa!"

I had turned to face him in the underwear I picked out. I hated it. It was frilly and my mother had picked it out. The things I do for this kid.

My kid's eyes bugged out of his head. He proceeded to faint.

He was still breathing, so I threw on a comfy robe. Then I ordered a pizza.

I stuck a pillow under Baseball Boy's head.

I watched a rerun of _Fresh Prince of Bel Air_ until the pizza arrived.

The woman who delivered the pizza took one look at my kid and just shrugged. I'm sure she's seen worse.

Twenty minutes later, my kid sat up looking confused. "Where am I?"

"Want some pizza?" I flashed my breasts at him. Down he went again like the mighty redwood.

I tried to rationalize it that I wanted to eat another slice and finish watching _Seinfeld_, but that would be a lie. I was just nervous.

Ten minutes later, the king awoke. My boobs might be losing their powers.

He crawled to the bed, looking cute and sleepy eyed. Climbing up next to me, my kid wrapped his arms around my waist and put his head on my chest. "I'm so sorry!"

I patted his head. "It's...umm...fine. Night's still young and all that."

He grabbed my face and kissed me. Yikes.

He grabbed my breasts and squeezed. Hard. Yikes.

"Is that okay?" He looked worried.

"Let's get it on, kid."

He looked shocked. "Okay."

I took off my robe and those eyes got big again. I had taken it all off. "Are you going to faint again?"

"No," he squeaked.

I took a deep breath. "Lose the boxers."

He wiggled them off and that thing was huge and standing at attention. There was no way that could fit in small holes. Oh lord...what was I thinking.

"Umm...should I light candles?" He looked panicked.

I shook my head. "With our luck we'll start a fire and have to run out of here naked."

"Oh right," he agreed. "So should we kiss? We're good at that."

Indeed we are. Best to start with what works.

Unfortunately, nervousness made us both a bit slobbery. Also, our hands weren't quite fondling. It was more like awkward pats on each other's skin.

"Should I stick it in?"

What? The giant trouser snake? His flesh colored pickle? The impaler?

"What?" I asked aloud.

"My fingers." He sort waved them at me.

I gave a tiny smile. "I guess."

Those magic fingers lost their sparkle, because he was sort of jabbing me. "Is this..."

"Slower!"

"Oh right! Sorry!" He moved at a better pace.

I was starting to like it. A little. I even gave his plumbing tubing some thank you rubs. That's when I felt another finger go towards the black hole. No!

I grabbed his face. "What did I tell you? It's an exit!"

"Sorry! I was in the moment!" He cried.

I kissed him, because he was still so adorable.

"I think we should just get this over with," I suggested.

"That isn't very romantic!" He was such a girl. A handsome girl with a frightening cock-a-doodle doo.

"Oh right. I love you and you make me so overwhelmed with the love that I need your love to love me. Does that work?" If he was expecting a sonnet, he would be disappointed.

"You love me!" He cried,"I love you, too!"

Thanks for the FYI, Sherlock.

"No! I forgot condoms!" He looked panicked.

"I put some on the nightstand," I said, as I handed him a foil packet.

He kissed me and smiled. "You got us condoms! You're amazing!"

"You mean your mother is amazing. She gave them to me."

"That's disturbing!" He was looking freaked out again.

"Eye on the prize, kid! Stick it on!"

It took him four packets until he got it on right.

He looked me in the eyes and smiled. That's when he just jammed that huge trunk in my hole. The pain! Oh my god! It hurt!

"Does it feel good, baby?"

I was too freaked out to reprimand him for the idiotic term of endearment. He moved slowly and I didn't know what to say. I was drier than the Sahara.

He started moving faster. My head knocked hard onto the headboard. Love is pain. It hit again.

My leg was getting a cramp. "Edward...Edward...my leg! Oww!"

His smiled down at me. "You said my name! You do love me!"

I said his name? Huh? Was he almost done?

He did twist a little that eased the pain in my leg. His fingers started squeezing my breasts. That wasn't too bad.

My head hit the headboard again. Never mind.

My mother's Harlequin novels lied. Love between virgins wasn't magical. I was going to sue those lying smut peddlers. At least, my kid was having a goo...

His face looked weird. I think he was having a seizure.

"Oh...oh...goddamn...fuck...Bell...mother fucking love!" He also had developed Tourette's Syndrome.

"Bella, baby, yes! Marry me!" He screamed.

He collapsed on me. I was trapped.

I looked at the clock. Six minutes? That was only six minutes?

"Bella, I love you so much!" He kissed me.

I did love his kisses.

"Let's do it again!" He said with happy eyes.

Oh no.

It has to get better, right?


	85. Chapter 85

**AN: Enjoy.**

Chapter 85 (EPOV)

I was fully a man now!

It was amazing the way Bella gripped my back. Her pretty face was all scrunched up in passion. I never felt more alive seeing her overwhelmed with pleasure.

When she finally said my name it was like the angels were singing. I still couldn't figure out why she mentioned her leg. Maybe she wanted me to lift it over her head. I saw it once on one of Emmett's porn movies.

It was confusing that Emmett's theory about fluids pouring out of my love didn't happen. The idea seemed kind of sticky and gross. I shouldn't complain after seeing what comes out of me when I get excited. Maybe all girls are different? I should ask him.

I tried to nuzzle Bella's neck, as she clutched the sheet around her and stared at the deer head. Our romantic interlude had made her mute with the memories of our lovemaking. She pulled away slightly. I murmured, "Don't feel shy, my love! I hear a nice warm shower call..."

She jumped out of the bed. My Isabella was still as naked as the day she was born. It was glorious. "I'll just be taking one of those!"

Bella, moving like a gazelle, tripped her way to the bathroom. I felt like a manly lion, as I followed my lovely prey into the bathroom.

She was bent down testing the water. It was right there in front of my face. I squeezed her beautiful buttocks.

"What the hell!" She screamed jumping up.

I also jumped and slipped on a bath towel and ended flat on my back. Ouch!

Bella rushed over and leaned over me. "Are you okay?"

She was so beautiful and naked.

"You're everything to me." I stroked her face. "Say my name?"

She grimaced. "Only in private, kid. I have a reputation to uphold."

"Okay."

"You are pretty important to me, Edward." She gave a tiny grin.

"Can I have shower sex with you?" I had an in.  
"Stop pushing your luck or I'll start calling you Ed." She helped me stand.

I looked at her in confusion. "I thought you liked our lovemaking?"

She wouldn't look at me as she helped me into the shower.

"Umm...I think...we need to try again in a couple months," Bella admitted. What? She got in and kissed me quickly and added, "It hurt like a bitch, dude."

Oh no! "I'm so sorry! Did I break you?"

She got an odd look on her face. "You did. I think we need to resume just finger action for awhile."

"Now?" This could be fun.

"No!" She yelped. "It feels like it's been jack hammered in there!"

"Oh." I pouted.

She grabbed my face. "We can make out in the shower, you big baby."

Yes!

We kissed under the warm water and my fingers grasped her wet skin. Maybe, we needed something wet for her to enjoy our loving time? Yes!

I was instantly hard and poking her in the stomach.

"Kid!" She growled. Bella pushed out of the shower, mumbling to herself.

This was going to be a challenge to overcome. There was nothing more I was going to like better than solving this problem. Actually, there was something that I would like better. Having sex again with Bella.

I started whistling and washing my hair. Next time, Bella would be begging for sexy times. This was I promise I planned on keeping. Yes indeed.


	86. Chapter 86

Chapter 86

"It was a constant, 'Going for the gold!'. He said it over and over again, girl!" Kate groaned and buried her head in my pillow. "It was like I was in some bad sporting event. Garrett wasn't go for accuracy, just speed. My lady parts feel like they've been in a war zone."

"Mary Jane, I understand." Really I did.

We were sitting on my bed and complaining. Boobs and the Dictator just stared.

"He keeps trying to corner me, girl!" Kate grabbed my hand. "He's gotten friskier! I've been hiding in the bathroom."

"Kid followed me in there," I admitted. "Supposedly, sex in a stall is romantic if you love each other."

Kate looked at me in shock. "What did you do?"

"I poured my water bottle over his head. It cooled him off quickly."

I think he found it charming. He called me his sassy minx. My kid has gone insane.

"You two did _everything_ wrong!" Teeny Tiny Dictator complained. "It takes research and preparation!"

"Watching porn, Alice?" Kate asked in confusion.

Dictator sighed. "No, Katherine! Research about female lubrication and stimulation would make your first times so much more pleasing."

This conversation was creeping me out. Sex education from the Teeny Tiny Dictator was just horrible. Words like lubricant and stimulation made me think of her doing things with Cheech.

She kept on blabbing, "Jasper is a sensitive lover who..."

I grabbed the pillow Kate was using to cover her ears and put it on mine. Survival of the fittest. My brain could not handle imagining the slowest and bossiest love making in the world. There was probably Rusted Root playing on the stereo and Cheech's really slow thrusting. Dictator was probably directing ever action to the second. I imagined her saying, _"Two pulses, Jazz. Pull back a little. Kiss my neck."_

"...the key of communication is speaking your truths and..."

Why was she still talking?

Boobs chimed in, "Jamie wants to wait for us to be married. After I finish college, we'll be getting married. He's coming with me to Boston!"

"Harvard?" I asked.

"Of course! Are you going there too?"

Not anymore.

"Nope."

Trailer Trash Barbie plowed into my room with a look of determination and a trash bag. "Alice texted me, ladies. It's time for a sex intervention!"

No. Please no.

Kate squeaked as Trailer pulled out bananas and tiny tubs of play dough.

"What color do you want to make your vagina with, Bella? Purple?" Trailer asked. She brought the Play Dough variety pack. Oh god.

"What are we doing with the bananas?" Kate asked.

Trailer made a crude gesture with her hands and wiggled her eyebrows. "Penetrating the play dough."

She was nuts.

Dictator looked up from where she was manhandling the pink play dough. "I think Bella needs the black. Look at her thunder face, Rose! It will fit her mood."

Boobs tentatively asked, "Jamie and I will be waiting, but I was wondering..."

"Yes, Ang?" Rose inquired sweetly.

"Can you teach me how to do a proper blow job with that banana?" Angela smiled.

No!

Kate whispered, "Girl, we need to escape! I'm sure we can figure this out on our own!"

"Yes," I hissed.

That was when my father burst in holding a tray filled with sodas and snacks. He really enjoyed that I had people to spend time with that were not on the television screen.

"What the hell?" He cried.

I could see why. Trailer and Dictator were jamming bananas into the play dough and giggling like loons. Angela was cramming a banana in her mouth and humming loudly. It was all sorts of wrong.

"Hey Mr. Charlie! We're doing some arts and crafts," Trailer said, giving him a saucy wink.

Chief Charlie looked like he was going to faint.

Annie Oakley had to pick that moment to wake up. "Play dough vaginas! Play dough vaginas!"

Kill me now.


	87. Chapter 87

Chapter 87 (EPOV)

"I think if we just tried again, it would go so much better!" I explained. We were all crammed in Emmett's tiny bedroom. He had spread all of his _Playboys_ on the floor and was trying to teach us about women.

"You need to wet those girls' whistles, boys! If you want yo lady's pussy to sing, then lick that thing!" Emmett sang off tune.

Garrett frowned and shook his finger at Emmett. "That is literally the most offensive song ever, Emmett McCarty! You should write the girls an apology letter for being a Cro-Magnon!"

"My dick is a magnum of pure pleasure!" Emmett pointed to his crotch and wiggled his eyebrows.

Jasper looked up from laying face down on Emmett's unmade bed. It smelled funny. Emmett was a pig. I wonder if he would let me clean his room, before he developed a filth fungus. "Dudes, the ladies need to be wooed. Love making, man, is an expression of...of..."

He erupted into giggles. I think he was going to be permanently baked forever.

There was a knock on Emmett's door. He jumped up and accidentally kicked Garrett in the head. "Emmett McCarty! Watch out!"

"Gentleman, I knew you two would be two dense to take my advise on knockin' da boots! I called in the reinforcements!" He swung the door open to reveal a scowling boy with dreads. His dark skin was accentuated by his pink button down. It was a nice look. "This is my frenchy friend, Laurent. He is an exchange student from France, so he knows about seduction and nude beaches."

"Zee female body is a bootiful thing," Laurent came in and held out his hand to Emmett. "Zee payment I asked for?"

"Oh right!" Emmett handed him a bag full of chips and Mountain Dew. "Teach the boys, you froggy master of desire!"

Emmett was the last person ever who should be in charge of diplomatic relations between nations.

"Excuse my friend Emmett, he doesn't think before speaking. I'm Edward Cullen. Captain of the baseball team and secretary of the Society of Knightly Games." I held out my hand.

"I'm Garrett, the president of the Knightly Games and pitcher of the Fork's Baseball Team." Garrett just had to bring up how he won the presidency. I think he bribed Emmett to vote for him with pickles. That guy would do anything for a tasty pickle.

I ignored Garrett. Laurent refused to shake my hand. It must be some international thing. "So you're new to our country? It's interesting that they would send you to Forks so close to the end of the school year."

"I's veen here since September."

Oh. Umm. Oops.

Jasper giggled and pointed to Laurent's hair. "Cool dreads, man! You listen to Counting Crowes?"

The giggles started again.

"Let's get started, you zilly Americans." Laurent pointed to me. "Zee will let me watch you zeduce your lover."

What?

"You want to watch me make love to my Isabella?"

"Oui!"

"No!" My lady was for my eyes only.

He pointed to Garrett. "Oui?"

"That is literally the worst idea ever. I would let my Kate Hudson gut you like a fish if you even tried."

I grinned at Garrett. "Our girls are feisty!"

"Indeed they are, Edward Cullen!"

"I wish I was allowed to watch!" Emmett exclaimed. "Those four would make a hilarious and awkward porno."

Jasper looked up in a daze. "It's all about the lube, man."

We ignored him.

"Em, get zee dolls!" Laurent demanded.

Emmett pulled out a shoe box full of toys. "G.I. Joes, more than meets the eye!"

"I want to play with Hawk!" Garrett grabbed a figurine. "He should get it on with Lady Jaye!"

"No! Scarlett's hotter, dude!" Jasper disagreed.

I just held up a guy in the mask. I would prefer knights and maidens to soldiers. "What are we going to do with these?"

Laurent grabbed to random Cobra Commandos and made them do disgusting things. "Zhis is how ze does it!"

"Those are both boys! My Kate Hudson literally cannot twist her body that way!" Garrett looked disturbed and confused. I could understand.

"Bella would break in half! Should we switch to female characters?" I asked.

Laurent groaned. He grabbed Lady Jaye and Scarlett and made them start making out. It was pretty sexy. I started imagining Bella and Kate...

"That won't work either!" I exclaimed. "Boy and girl! Girl and boy!"

"Zee threesome?" Laurent added Snake Eyes. That made my mind go to even dirtier places.

"No!" Garrett and I yelled. We both were adjusting our pants.

Emmett laughed. "I likey that idea!"

Jasper sighed. Loudly. "Lube, dudes. Also, be confident. When do you feel your most confident?"

"When I'm in breeches and I'm king!" I exclaimed, puffing out my chest.

Garrett cried out, "When I am a knight rescuing the damsel!"

"Man, I think you both got it! Don't forget the lube!" Jasper had another giggle fit.

"Fuck this, Emmett! I thought you said they would fucking but this shit!" Laurent complained. The French accent had disappeared.

"You aren't French?" I asked.

Laurent rolled his eyes. "Hell's no, bitch! I'm from New Jersey and named Larry!"

"Oh." Garrett said.

"I'm the only black kid in the whole damn school and you guys never even noticed me!"

I took his hand. "We've noticed you now. You're our friend."

"You all are some weird, fuckers!" Larry stated.

"We are indeed. You are one of us now." I smiled my charming Cullen smile. Larry relaxed. It worked every time.

"Lube!" Jasper giggled again.

Ahh yes...the lube. I had a kingly plan afoot. Victory will be mine!


	88. Chapter 88

**AN: So...yeah...**

Chapter 88

My attempt at being grounded didn't work. My mind wandered to how I ended up at King Edward's court.

_"Bella, kid..." Chief Charlie let out a long suffering sigh. "I know you aren't sneaking out at night to be a stripper."_

_I tried to show him some of my fly dance moves. He fell down laughing._

_"What's wrong with my dancing?" I huffed._

_"You...you...it's like...oh god...too funny...I...I...," he struggled to take a breath. "A zombie going after brains!"_

_That man need to stop being obsessed with George Romano movies._

_"You shouldn't say that stuff about your kid," I admonished._

_He sat up, still chuckling. "Where do you think you get those fly dance moves from?"_

_"Renee?"_

_"Exactly! I didn't marry that train wreck for her fancy feet moves." Charlie pulled himself up into his chair. "Go out and have fun with that nice boy."_

_It was time to lay my cards on the table._

_"That boyfriend of mine is a sex fiend, Father."_

_My father was back on the floor laughing hysterically. What the hell?_

_"I'm...I'm...more worried... about you corrupting that the poor boy!" He erupted into more mocking laughter. "You'll...you'll...be the death of him!"_

_Obviously, telling the truth doesn't amount to much in these parts._

"Do you like your ravioli?" My kid crooned.

Not really. I hate ravioli and mushrooms grow in poop. Not a big fan.

"It's fine."

He grabbed my hands. I forgot to mention he was wore a crown upon his head and a pair of leather breeches. Those, I must admit, I kind of liked.

"Darling Isabella of the Swans of Forks," he said lovingly. Oh lord, this was ridiculous. "I was mentored by Jester Emmett and Larry. Who was formally, Laurent the fake exchange student of Forks..."

"What?" Who the hell was Larry and why is any advice ever taken from the horny giant? "The giant is not allowed to give advice ever!"

"Never mind, my sweet love, for Sir Jasper has taught Sir Garrett and I the ways of amore!"

This is even worse. Getting advice from the burnout.

"First, I need to be comfortable and relaxed. To listen to your needs," he explained.

That was surprisingly sage advice.

My kid continued, "Jasper also gave me this."

He threw a tube on the table, next to my plate.

It was lubricant.

"Oh."

"I'll glide right in!"

"Oh. I...I..."

Was practically speechless.

"You're done, right?" He asked.

I suddenly found a new love for mushroom ravioli though my stomach was flopping around like a beached whale.

"Umm...I..."

"Cool!" He exclaimed and grabbed me up. Carrying me into the house, he was kissing all of my skin he could find. He was too busy kissing and not looking, so he tripped a couple of times. "You're my destiny!"

"You're parents?"

"In Seattle for a romantic trip!" He said, rushing up the stairs.

Eww.

"Alice?"

"Spending the night with Angela." He threw open his bedroom door.

I smirked. "You mean she's with Jasper."

"Gross!" My kid yelled. "Don't distract me!"

He tossed me on the bed. "I shall ravish you, my queen!"

Oh damn. That was hot.

Clothing went flying. His mouth was everywhere and I started twitching. Was I having a seizure? It was a really great seizure.

With a mouth on my boob and his fingers exploring inside me, I felt like I was going insane. I was a bundle of happy. I hated happy.

I pulled his dick, as my body became a quivering mess of sweat. That's when I felt wet. Oh my god...I peed!

My kid pulled his fingers out and licked them. Well that was gross. He quickly threw on one of those for her pleasure jimmy hats.

"I guess we don't need the KY, my love!" He exclaimed. What? "I'm entering your fortress, my queen."

Damn it, that giant snake slid right in. It felt super. I was going insane. I just used the word super.

He started pushing in me and yelled, "Long live, Queen Isabella! Oh god, girl! You rock my kingdom!"

My nails raked into his skin. I liked hearing him hiss. It was yummy. "More, my King! Give me more!"

And he did.

Clutching my butt, which at the moment didn't make me spiral into an angry feminist rant, I grabbed his too.

"Say it, baby! Say it, baby!"

I really hated that term, but my mind was absolutely obsessed with riding his pony.

"I pledge myself to, King Edward!" I screamed. I was feeling that weird sensations of twitching and brainless elation.

"Oh yes! Marry me, Queen Isabella!" He screamed. "I'm coming!"

"Fuck yes!"

Wait... did I just officially say yes? What I think it was an orgasm induced yes. That didn't count, right?

It didn't matter, because ten minutes later, as I was curled up in his arms all sweaty and stinky. I was horny again.

I climbed on top of him. "Round two, buckaroo!"

"I don't think I'm ready!" He exclaimed. "Let's cuddle!"

"Sorry, Wild Bill!" I bit his ear. He smiled. "Your lady is ready to ride that bull."

He made me a sex manic. That's a fact.


	89. Chapter 89

**AN: Heading towards the last inning in this story, gang. I might be coming up with something else silly for you!**

Chapter 89

I did not, in fact, turn into a sex manic.

Things happen like studying for finals and graduation preparations that can put a damper on what the rappers call it, the bump and grind.

Also, Baseball Boy was getting on my last damn nerve with the wedding talk. It makes this girl less likely to want to get touchy feely.

"It doesn't have to be a big wedding!" He explained, as we headed to the locker room at the end of the day. It was one of the last practices of the season, being that we would be all heading in to the great big world soon enough. "Dad can barbecue in the backyard and Jacob can DJ!"

"Jacob will do no such thing!" I have been subjected enough to Black's questionable skills at trying to play music. "There will be no wedding for years, kid. Get that idea out of your skull right this instant!"

I almost yelled it. I have rarely showed so much emotion, since I was three and wanted that stuffed, realistic octopus from the aquarium. Renee thought it wasn't girly enough and bought me a pink penguin.

Let us just say, the temper tantrum I threw lives in aquarium lore. I was banned for ten years for scaring the sea lions. I'm slightly proud of this fact. It really was the pink penguin's fault for being so ugly.

"I think we need to think how perfect a wedding would be before we leave for school..."

"I'm not losing my scholarships, because you want to pull a Billy Idol and have a _White Wedding_." My kid, not surprisingly, looked confused. He was not a fan of the eighties. I grabbed my backpack off his back. It would be considered sweet the way he was so chivalrous, but today it was annoying. "We still need to pick a damn school."

"Harvard?"

"Hells no. James Taylor is my arch enemy and I refuse to hang around him in Bean Town." I glared at the thought.

My kid shook his head condescendingly. "He's not that bad! He's quite perfect for Angela."

"I'm only being civil to him for Boob's sake. But I tell you what, kid, my eyes are on him. He will screw up and when he does, I will bring down the thunder!" I exclaimed. I felt so cranky. I think my blood sugar is low. "No Boston."

"New York?" He asked.

That's when the squabbling Teeth and Kate walked up. Things had been tense between the dynamic duo, since Teeth's poor playing at the last baseball game.

"With those two?" Teeth was headed to NYU and Kate to Pratt. "I'd rather visit them. Thank you very much."

Kate was fuming. "Cutting me off from all contact will not help your pitching average, Garrett!"

"Kate Hudson, Coach says..."

"Your coach is an asshole, man!" Kate yelled. "We can kiss! I'm not telling you to put your hand down my pants."

Oh. Well. Umm. I really didn't need that visual.

"Mary Jane, let's let the idiot boys change for practice and we can draw pictures of them being maimed in horrific ways. That would be fun," I suggested. She was quite the talented artist. "That way you can pour out your anger visually and not beat Teeth to death with your backpack."

She glared at her boyfriend. "I guess he wants to break up. Is that what you want, Garrett?"

Teeth looked like he was ready to cry. "I love you, Kate Hudson."

This melodrama was annoying. This was Fork's High School, not _Days of Our Lives_. If I wanted to watch a soap opera, I would have skipped school and watched from the comfort of my couch.

I grabbed Kate's arm. "Mary Jane and I are going to the bleachers. Kid talk some sense into Teeth."

James Taylor sauntered up. I hate his face. "Swan."

"Bad folk singer." I added, "How goes it?"

"I find you to be a horrible example of womanhood." He winked.

"Good, because I think you are one step up from pond algae." I stuck my tongue out at him. "All is right with the world when we can insult each other."

He nodded in agreement. "Indeed it is."

Kate and I left our men without a good-bye and found Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum and the lone African American kid of Fork's High sitting in our seats.

"What are you all doing here?" Didn't they know it was our spot?

Jacob threw his hands in the air. "He won't admit he knows Diddy!"

"You can't tell me that you honestly think, because I'm black I have an in with all rappers!" Larry exclaimed.

"How about Jay Z?" Jacob pulled out a binder of pictures he cut out of magazines. "I want to recreate his look!"

"My ni..." I threw my hand over Seth's mouth. He mumbled into my hand.

"You don't say that, idiot." I felt something wet against my hand. He licked me. Gross. I pulled my hand away. "I'm going to kill you now."

"Aww girl, you taste like strawberries and love making!" I wonder where I could hide Seth's decomposing body. The idiot didn't stop talking, "I was going to say, that the Fork's Romeo, which is me, does a nighttime ritual just like Jay Z. Lotions and love potions, baby! Hey Laurent, can you score me some FUBU?"

I think their mother's might have been on drugs during conception.

"Isn't it Larry?" Kate asked in confusion.

"I was, you fine honey, until I saw that cheerleading vision." He pointed to Tanya doing her cheers and trying to flash me. That delusional red head was annoying. "I think I can seduce her better as a French man!"

This could be hilarious. I need this to make my week complete.

"I think you're correct, Larry." I came up with so many possibilities to make Tanya's week horrible. "I'll help you. The one thing said about Isabella Marie Swan is that I'm a giver."

Kate snickered. "No one says that."

"Hush, Mary Jane." I looked at Larry. "We have plans to make."

That's when Jacob yelled, "No fucking way!"

The Giant was streaking down the baseball fields naked. He was tiny. Maybe his large size dwarfed his penis.

He screamed, "I'm King of Forks!"

Distracted my kid lowered his baseball bat. "I am, Emmett!"

Teeth hit my kid in the leg with a baseball.

Kate jumped up. "I told you my body wasn't distracting you, Garrett!"

I wandered over to console my kid.

Ahh yes, senioritis has begun.


	90. Chapter 90

**AN: Wow. We're at 90. **

**Thank you all!**

Chapter 90

"Would you consider a sex change?"

Larry looked at me if I was insane. "No."

"She's a breast woman and not into sausages," I stated. I was just trying to help.

"I can seduce anyone." He gave what I guessed was come hither eyes. It looked like a gnat flew in them.

"I doubt that very much."

"Listen, girl..."

Kate held up her hand. "I'm the only one allowed to call her that."

We were sitting at the picnic benches next to the cafeteria. It was one of those nice days, which if I liked sun and the outdoors it would be perfect. A bug landed on my arm and I swatted at it. Stupid nature.

"It's Kate's thing. Find something else," I stated this with a tone that wouldn't be messed with.

"Okay?" He questioned. The poor guy would probably regret the day he started hanging out with us. Oh well.

Kate showed him the picture she was sketching. "You'd make a pretty girl."

She drew him wearing a very slutty dress, high heels and ringlets. He would be what I normally believed to be Tanya's type. I was an abnormality, I suppose.

My kid came up and looked at the picture Kate drew. "What are you two up to?"

"Being helpful." I gave a smirk.

"I doubt that," Baseball Boy kissed me on the top of my head. "Please don't take anything they say seriously."

"Hey!" Kate looked offended. "This young man likes Tanya!"

"He does, kid. I think they would be terrific together." I glared at my man.

Baseball Boy sat next to me closely. His hand went directly to my knee. "You're trying to torment her."

I whispered in his ear, "You love it when I torment people."

"I find it incredibly sexy," he whispered back. His hand crept higher. "Want to find a quiet janitor's closet?"

"Will you not mention marriage during our tryst? Not one word?" I moved my hand at something hard in his pants. Hello there, Mr. Pokey.

He nibbled my ear. Then added, "I can't promise that. The vision of you in a wedding dress is a huge turn on."

I was done.

"Get a room!" Kate complained. She was still cut off until the last game of the season. At least, they could kiss again. A grouchy Kate was another me. One of me is quite enough to subject my poor fellow students to.

"Don't worry about it, Mary Jane!" I removed his hand and my own. "Somebody's cut off again."

"Me?" She asked worriedly.

"No. Kid."

"Come on, Bella!" My kid cried and put his head on the table.

"You know she gets all rabid when you mention weddings!" Kate looked at him with zero sympathy. "You keep digging your own grave, buddy."

"What about Tanya?" Larry asked in exasperation.

My kid looked thoughtful. "She's the vainest person I ever met. Shower her with compliments and presents."

My kid was quite clever, but no fun sometimes.

"Buy a cheap bra and stuff it with tissues." I smiled at the thought. It would be funny. "You'll get farther with her as a cross dresser."

"Please don't do that!" My kid implored Larry. "My Bella finds amusement in this, which means it will be embarrassing."

Larry ignored my kid and said to me, "That's a great idea, Bella!"

One step closer to my goal of getting a good laugh.

"Oh shit!" Kate exclaimed. "Emmett's lost his mind again!"

I think the Giant's intelligence had been permanently lost long ago.

He was naked again and running around the picnic benches. He was out of control.

I have a feeling the rumors were true. There was quite a bit of inbreeding in that family.

He stopped at our table and my kid tried to cover my eyes. It wasn't anything I hadn't seen before, so I removed his hand.

That thing couldn't be considered a hot dog, more like a cocktail weenie.

"Guess what!" The giant screamed.

My kid begged, "Em...put on some pants!"

"I'm going to be a daddy!"

Oh god...they bred.


	91. Chapter 91

**AN: So late today! Sorry!**

**Enjoy!**

Chapter 91

We were studying for finals on my bed. Actually, I was thumbing through cooking magazines. I hated to cook, but I liked picking out what I would force others to make for me.

Baseball Boy, on the other hand, was struggling. Books surrounded him and his hands gripped his hair. I was surprised it wasn't falling out. I wonder what he would look like bald? A thin Mr. Clean? If he ever breaks up with me, I would find out when I angrily shave those locks in his sleep. It's always good to have a plan ready.

"Bella?"

"Huh?" I looked up from my imagining him with a Mr. T Mohawk. There were so many possibilities.

He sighed. "I can't figure this out!"

I glanced at his Calculus book. "You're good at math. I don't get what your issue is."

He scooted over towards me and put his head on my belly. "I can't concentrate on anything."

It was crazy, but my fingers were caressing the same locks I was envisioning removing from his pretty scalp. "Oh."

"All I can think about is slowly touching your soft bare skin and kissing you breasts, so softly. I would enter you gently and my mouth would nibble your neck. I know how much you love that." His hand slid up my shorts and I felt his finger slowly play with the edge of my granny panties.

I liked it.

That sneaky, kinky bastard. Instead of pushing his away, because he smartly wasn't talking about seating arrangements and floral decorations, I licked his nose. "Been sneaking Esme's Harlequins again, my little perv?"

"Yes, ma'am!" He admitted. I knew it!

I pulled off my shirt.

He stared at my boobs. "Oh sweet, pretty pillows! No bra!"

"Get that mouth on my teat and those magic fingers down my pants!" I shimmied out of my shorts. My kid started getting undressed, but stopped and looked up at me in confusion.

"Teats are on a cow!" My kid exclaimed.

"Oh right...it's better than always saying nipple all the time," I argued.

It's fun to use completely odd words to describe things.

"Am I milking you?" He asked. Look who's getting a little snarky. "Chewing cud really isn't your thing."

"Nope, it's Trailer Trash Barbie. Do you see how she goes to town on that gum." I couldn't help, but add, "Her fun bags will be milked soon enough."

I laughed and my kid tried to hide a smile.

He finished getting undressed and crawled on top of me. Stroking my face he whispered, "I love you."

"Ditto," I kissed him. "Pillage me!"

"I hate pirates."

"Aww come on, Captain. You know you want this booty," I stated, as I pinched his booty.

He pushed into me and we went almost slowly, like a boat moored to the dock. As we picked up speed, I thought I heard the door. Nah. I was too in the zone to care.

That's when my door swung open.

Chief Charlie screamed, "Oh my eyes!"

My kid scrambled off me and shouted, "I'm so sorry, sir!"

My father held his hand over his eyes. "Oh damn...I'm going to have to have a shotgun wedding!"

"Dad! Edward didn't do anything wrong!" I exclaimed, clutching the sheet around myself.

"My love! You called me, Edward!" My kid cried out in joy. Damn it.

"I know! The shotgun is for you, Bella!" My dad said, still covering his eyes. "You corrupted that poor boy."

I saw my kid do a fist bump. Oh hells no. He isn't winning this one.

"I'll lose all my scholarships, Daddy. You'll have to dig deep in your pockets with kid's parents." I shook my head sadly. "That or maybe you can help us put a down payment on a used trailer. Either way, you won't be getting the new fishing boat you want."

"Oh," Chief Charlie stated. "You'll wait until you finish college then. I'm going back to work and bleach my brain."

He walked out quickly. We stared at the wall in silence for several minutes, until we heard my dad's car pull away.

I stuck my tongue out at kid. "Suck it, Cullen."

"Oh I will!" He dove under his covers and showed me just what that devious tongue could do.

I won twice this day. All hail to me.


	92. Chapter 92

**AN: The next daily silly story is up on my story profile. It's called The Attraction Equation. What do you get when you mix up a messy artist with an anal accountant? A hot mess.**

Enjoy.

Chapter 92

"This is evil, Bella!" Teeny Tiny Dictator complained.

I put down my binoculars where I was watching the cheerleading squad. It was almost time for the best revenge ever and she was ruining it. Dictator was always complaining lately. I gather having to stay another year at this mind draining institution would do that to me as well. Sure the tater tots were top notch, but there was the fact that gym was mandatory. That was an unholy punishment.

Oh...there was the issue of Cheech heading to Texas. Dictator was miserable over the fact. Texas A&M had no issue excepting that stoner. It made me curious if their Admissions Department had lowered their standards or if Cheech was secretly a genius. Survey says...they want the Whitlock money.

It was the last baseball game of the season. All I wanted was my final revenge over Tanya. I guess I should add to see my kid win or whatever.

"Listen up, Teeny Tiny! If embarrassing Denali is wrong, I never want to be right." I put my binoculars back to my eyes.

Next to me, Kate groaned, "I'm taking Garrett under the bleachers."

"Taking him where?" I asked, barely listening to her whining.

"To mother fucking heaven, girl!" I almost dropped my binoculars. "Look at his ass in those pants!"

I looked at her in awe. "Whoa Nelly, Mary Jane! Do I need to take the hose to you?" I inquired.

Dignity. I, Bella Swan, am the picture of it.

"You and my brother keep going at it like bunnies in the janitor's closet, Bella." Dictator was a cranky, little beast. "You aren't one to talk."

"I'm sorry that your boy will be sporting chaps and a cowboy hat soon, but Dictator you need to enjoy your time with him. That's all the advice mumbo jumbo I've got for you. I'll send you my bill."

Where was that Larry?

"He's going to break up with me!" She cried.

I shoved a tissue in her face. "There, there."

Kate was staring at Teeth on the field. "Jasper might not. My buddy is the loyal type."

I rolled my eyes. "Let's be somewhat realistic. This is a high school relationship! Most people don't get hitched right out of high school!"

"I did," Trailer came up chomped her gum. "Alice, Bella is our rational and negative friend. We don't listen to Bella. We smile and hope our positivity rubs off on her. You and Jasper will be just fine!"

Hey.

"Says the teenage mother," I pointed out.

Trailer grinned and patted her belly. "At least I'm not an unwed teenage mother."

Good point.

That's when it happened. My dupe...I mean pal Larry headed onto the baseball field wearing a sequined dress that looked like right out of a drag queen convention. The blond, curly wig was a nice added touch. The game was going on, but he didn't care in the least.

"Take video with your phone now!" I shook Kate's arm.

He stood in the middle of the field and yelled into a microphone. He pointed to Tanya and said, "This is for you, baby!"

He started singing, Chaka Khan's _I'm Every Woman_.

Larry was a surprisingly good singer.

Everyone stared in shock. I bet it was because they finally realized that their was an African American at the school.

He finished his song with a curtsy.

The crowd cheered loudly for the troubadour.

Tanya stomped over to him. I could hear her say into the microphone, "You did this for me?"

"I'd do anything for you!" He gently touched her hand.

She launched herself on him and kissed him.

What? That wasn't supposed to happen.  
Larry pulled away and said, "Thanks, Bella!"

Tanya grabbed the microphone and added, "He's a much better kisser than you are, Bella."

Rage. Indescribable rage.

I left the bleachers in a huff and my kid ran to catch up.

"Bella, sweetheart, wait!"

"Go back to your game, kid."

Retribution. I must get retribution.

"You're more important than a stupid baseball game." He spun me around and cupped my chin. "I'm sorry you didn't get to embarrass Tanya."

"Well...you win some, you lose some." He was too cute. It was slightly nauseating. "If you don't get back to the game your team is going to lose."

"I already won you, so that's all that matters." He hugged me tight. "Do you want to get frisky?"

He wiggled his eyebrows. Ugh! The cuteness!

"I guess one last jaunt in the janitor's closet is in order." I gave him a little smile.

He rubbed his nose on mine. "That's my girl."

That I am.


	93. Chapter 93

**AN: We're at the home stretch, my friends! Please feel free to tell your friends about this crazy. They'll probably give you weird looks, but I always get those and I'm good.**

**Thank you for reading and get started with The Attraction Equation. If you love this Edward, you'll want to marry that one and have his nerdy babies. Maybe. 40/60 chance.**

Chapter 93

One more final. One more time opening up my locker. One more time trying to guess what the rancid smell is coming from said locker. I probably should have investigated this sooner, instead of just piling papers and books over whatever was rotting in there.

I wouldn't need anything in there every again. Crazy Mulligan, the janitor can take care of it. Rumor has it he picks up road kill and fries it up for snacks. A man that has that strong of a stomach can handle whatever moldy mess lies buried in my locker. Maybe.

Of course, the final is gym. Worst for last. I dragged my feet going out to the track. My kid had study hall, so instead of sitting in the sweltering classroom, he was sitting with his gang of knights on the bleachers. They were having their _Game of Thrones_ book club.

"Hey, Bella!" He yelled and blew me a kiss.

I gave him a tiny wave.

"Hey, Swan!" James Taylor did obnoxious pelvis thrusting at me, making my kid whack him on the head with the hardback edition of _Games of Thrones_ he was holding. That things was a massive tome of battles and maiden ravaging. That got to have hurt.

I gave James Taylor a two middle finger salute.

I could have gotten good grades in physical education, but that would have taken effort and caused sweat. Two things I hated doing.

"Miss Swan, thanks for joining us. I thought you would have done your usual disappearing act." The coach gave me his smug, jock look.

I glared. "I've never missed a gym class."

"Where were you then?"

Hiding under the bleachers.

I lied, "I'm so quick and my skills are so excellent, I was like The Flash."

"Bullshit." Strangely, the cursing the coach just did made me almost want to respect him. Almost.

"Coach, cursing in front of a student. Tsk. Tsk," I admonished, half-heartedly. "How about we play, _Let's Make a Deal_. You give me a 'C' and I won't squeal to the principal."

"Better plan. You run a timed mile and get a passable time and I give you a passable grade." He had the gall to smirk at me.

I hated challenges, because I had a insane need to not only conquer them but to rub people's face in it. Coach needed a taking down. Badly.

"Get to the timing, old man!"

I ran. Wind in my hair. Anger in my veins. Thoughts of debasing my kid on the fat ass coach's desk. It made me stumble for a moment, but then my imagination made me speed up even faster. My kid would look glorious getting sweaty the fun way.

It was like I was flying.

I could hear cheering. I wondered if the giant was streaking again. Impending fatherhood made him want to get naked. The last time I checked that was what got him into his dilemma in the first place.

I continued to run and imagined how Annie Oakley would like dorm life. If plans worked out accordingly and Annie learned her lines, I would have a single room in no time.

I refused to slow down. I could see the coach's beady eyes willing me to fail. I never fail at anything. I only half ass things on purpose. Except for the Tanya fiasco, but that was a fluke and Larry was keeping her off my back. Maybe it was a win after all.

I skidded to a stop past the coach. The cheering continued.

Giant has his pants on. What's all the fuss about?

Baseball boy grabbed my wheezing and breathless body, swinging me around. I was going to throw up on his head. "You were amazing!"

"What?" So dizzy.

"I'll be damned, Swan. That was the fastest time in Fork's High history!" Coach shook his head. "You could have been running this whole time! We could have gone to the state finals! Damn it! You get an 'A' for that performance."

Water. Need water.

"My girl is going to be valedictorian!" My kid cheered.

What? No!

"Ang...Ang...water..." I tried to say. Running sucks.

"Angela got a 'B' in Home Ec. Her cake wouldn't rise," James Taylor said. "My poor baby."

Gross.

"No valed...valedictorian," I pleaded.

My kid poured his water bottle down my throat.

"You'll be marvelous!" He kissed my sweaty head. "My beautiful girl waxing poetic about the promise of our futures!"

I threw up on his shoe. That's why I don't run.

Take that promising futures.


	94. Chapter 94

**AN: Four or five chapters left, I think.**

**Thank you and enjoy.**

Chapter 94

I tossed two pairs of jeans, a selection of tee-shirts, sneakers, random under things and ten hoodies in a cardboard box. A girl has to have a clothing she loves more than all else. Mine is invisibility hoodies.

"Done."

Baseball Boy looked up from his phone. He typing something to giant. They could be discussing fencing or diapering techniques, nothing those two did lately would surprise me.

"Bella, aren't you packing anything else?" He held up _Moby Dick_.

"Yes, kid, you do have a Moby Dick. Stop fishing for compliments." I gave him a wink. It was disturbing how good I was getting at giving those. "That's Charlie's. I use it as a doorstop."

"There has to be other things you want to take! Photos? Mementos?" He held up a plastic pig wearing sunglasses. It was damn ugly.

"My mother gave me that right before she stuck me on a Greyhound bus to come here. It's a vending machine pig from the terminal. I keep meaning to throw it out." I shrugged.

My kid took my hand, as I tried to grab some socks. Something I actually could use. He said, "But it's from your mom. A remembrance of her being a part of your life."

"The woman isn't dead! Edward, not every moment is a Hallmark Channel movie. My mom and I are cool. She's a dingbat and amazingly embarrassing, but the crazy did push me out. I'm grateful for her fornicating with Chief Charlie."

"That was strangely touching and also very disturbing." He grabbed me around the waist. "You called me Edward."

"I did. I like to keep you on your toes, not to mention, we've been dating for awhile now. I think I can let your given name slip out every once in awhile, even when were not having sex." I kissed him swiftly. "Will it appease you if I bring pictures with me? I will absolutely not be putting them in a scrapbook or decorate a poster board with pictures of you all to hang in my dorm room."

"That's fine." He hugged me tighter. To think I used to hate touching. Actually, I still do. The exception is my kid, always my kid. "Are you sure you still want leave right after graduation? Not spend the summer with the gang?"

"I want to see the largest ball of twine in the United States and eat sketchy hamburgers from roadside greasy spoons."

We were driving cross country to go to our college. Traveling the open road. Making nasty, nasty love in shady motels. Peeing next to cactuses. Escaping from homicidal truckers. Maybe not that last part.

My kid was excited, but driving me nuts with the constant planning. He had special sheets, blankets and sanitizing wipes for the trip. A list of food establishments that had been carefully examined and deemed safe by health and safety departments. He had outfits planned out in individual bags, while I threw two outfits into a plastic shopping bag. We were like Felix and Oscar. We were _The Odd Couple_.

"I just wanted to be sure." He tossed me onto the bed.

"Hey."

He kissed me and caressed my side underneath my tee-shirt. "I'm excited. This is going to be so much fun."

It really was.

"Dad won't be home for a couple more hours." I tapped his nose.

Edward unzipped my shorts and slipped those long fingers down my underwear. "We can have some playtime."

"Oh yes."

We only got approximately five minutes of playtime.

"Oh my baby!" My mother, Renee burst into my bedroom, followed by her sheepish husband. Poor, embarrassed Phil took one look and ran out of the room. "My that boy has a nice ass. Good job, baby girl!"

Renee was in all her teased hair and leopard printed wearing glory, checking out my boyfriend's bare butt. It was disturbing.

I threw a throw blanket over my kid. "Why are you here?"

"You're graduation, baby." God, I hated being called that.

I fixed my shirt. "You were supposed to be on a cruise getting Montezuma's revenge in Mexico!"

"We were going to, but my baby is graduating!" She clapped her hands. "I bought you a dress!"

"No!" I can see it now. Animal print and tight. Like mother like daughter. I imagined she wanted us to be twins.

She ignored me. "Aren't you the handsomest, young man I ever did see? I know, I know...I look like Bella's older sister and not her mommy. Oh, Bella...let's tell everyone I'm your older sister."

Yes, because the old cougar in front of me wearing an outfit that would fit best in front of a slot machine in Vegas looked exactly like my big sister. Serenity now.

"Mother, please go downstairs. There's sodas in the fridge."

"Gin?"

It wasn't even noon.

"Liqueur in the same place, Ma."

"Fantastic!" She pointed to my kid and said in an attempt to be sexy, "I'll be seeing you soon!"

Gross.

"That's my mother."

Kid looked at the door in shock, as we heard her clomping down the stairs in her stripper heels.

"Wow."

"Now you see what your getting in thirty-five years," I added.

"No!"

"I'm joking."

He looked relieved. "Thank god!"

This would be a graduation to remember. Unfortunately.


	95. Chapter 95

**AN: Howdy.**

Chapter 95 (EPOV)

"I'm going naked as a jay bird underneath this thing!" Emmett held up his blue graduation gown.

I felt my own gown. It was a slippery, fake polyester satin that felt like it would cause an allergic reaction. I wouldn't want that up against my bare skin. I really didn't want it up against my clothed skin either.

We were picking up our gowns for graduation the next day. It was already steaming hot and it was supposed to worse tomorrow. I could imagine the sweat stains on the shiny fabric. We all were going to reek.

"Emmett, everyone's seen you naked as it is. Give it a break." I wanted graduation to be a perfect last hurrah for my lady. She would be giving the speech of the century and I wasn't going to let my unhinged, large friend ruin it.

The big oaf refused to listen to my sage advice. "I think we should all do it together, boys! A last knightly quest for greatness!"

"I'm in, man!" Jasper giggled. His face quickly got serious, which I had never seen before. "Never mind, Alice will kill me."

"Bunch of damn women ruining everything!" Emmett complained. "A quest is more important than getting your groove on!"

"A quest for what, Emmett McCarty? Getting thrown in jail by Chief Swan? Literally, the worst plan ever." Garrett threw his hands in the air. "You're going to be a father!"

"Stop being a stick in the mud!" Emmett grabbed a lollipop from his pocket and started sucking it. "A quest for Fork's High infamy!"

"We're not exposing ourselves to my future in-laws!" I exclaimed. I had already exposed myself accidentally to Bella's mother and she's been licking her lips at me ever since. It was frightening.

"I've exposed myself to the Chief several times. I've only got arrested once, so that mustached porn star and I are cool," Emmett pointed out.

Chief Swan and porn star. I wanted that image in my head to disappear.

"You know, little Bella had to get her skills somewhere..."

I tackled him to the ground. "Don't you ever talk about her that way!"

"Look who finally found his balls! I thought they were permanently in Bella's frilly purse, if you ever had them in the first place!" Emmett yelled in my ear.

I pulled his hair. "If you even got to know Bella in the first place, then you would know she hates purses!"

"This is awesome!" James cheered. "Swan, you crazy beast, you want me to film this for you? Edward will never be this cool again."

"James Taylor, go pen a love song to your lady. Edward's rare aggressive hotness is now seared into my brain. I'll have that image to keep my going into my eighties." Bella stomped over, picked me up to move me towards Jasper and put Emmett into a headlock.

It was the sexiest thing I had ever witnessed.

"What's the problem, Fie Fi Fo Fum?"

"What?" Emmett asked in confusion, as he struggled to free himself. It didn't work, because my lady is freakishly strong.

"You're a giant, like _Jack and the Beanstalk_. You bred so learn your fairy tales, Giant," Bella stated. I was starting to feel jealous of Emmett and they way her arms were around him. Until he started whimpering in pain. I wouldn't want her to be twisting my arm like that. "I'll repeat myself. What is your problem?"

"You made Edward a pussy and you're taking him away this summer!" Emmett shrieked. "We were going to go cow tipping."

"We were never going to go cow tipping!" I retorted. Was he crazy? Cows had dead eyes. They would come get revenge.

Bella let him go. He stumbled over to me. "We were going to go tubing down a river like Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer!"

"I think you mean raft, Emmett McCarty," Garrett corrected.

"Shut up, dude! Ed, I was going to take you to Fork's Ice Cream Emporium for double dips and to check out girls!" My large friend started to weep.

I patted his back. "Emmett, you're my best friend. It's time for me to go away. I'll call you all the time and we'll visit. You can come visit us!"

Bella grabbed Emmett's ear and tugged it. Hard. "Giant, you have a wife and a baby on the way. Your wife is over there looking upset, because you're being a dumb ass. I didn't make you get a girl pregnant, so you had to get married. You made that adult decisions, so deal with it and stop putting it on me."

I looked at Rosalie who was looking unimpressed and chewing her gum. It was sweet, that my Bella was thinking about her welfare.

Emmett sniffed. "I'm sorry."

"That's okay, Paul Bunyan." She pulled him aside. "Listen, if you really want to expose yourself to all the family and friends of the Fork's graduating class, I have the perfect moment."

I took her hand and pulled her away from Emmett. "No, Bella."

She pointed at Emmett. "I'll chat with you later."

"No, Bella."

"I just think of nothing better for a graduation speech than a giant doofus who is allergic to clothes." She gave a tiny smile.

"Kiss me, Bella."

"Fine. So demanding," Bella half-heartedly complained, before our lips touched.

Her mouth was amazing.

That's when our intimacy was thwarted by a dragon. A dragon lady.

"Bella, baby! Where are you?" Renee Swan was frightening. "Oh baby, you have that cute piece of man meat with you!"

I wondered if Bella would mind moving to a deserted island, just to hide from her mother.

"Give Momma Renee a kiss, sugar!" Bella's mother and her bright, red lips latched onto me.

That was going to be my mother-in-law. Somebody save me.


	96. Chapter 96

**AN: Enjoy.**

Chapter 96

My mother kissed my boyfriend and I just had to trip her. That maneuver sent her flying. She landed face first in the bushes by the gymnasium. They were full of prickly thorns. Oops.

Phil gave me a thumbs up. I always liked old, whipped Phil. Poor guy.

I didn't lose a bit of sleep over the incident.

The woman was still livid the next morning when I was trying to get ready. It made my head pound.

"I can't understand how you could make me fall like that! Look at the marks on my face!" My mother complained. I did notice that she was covered in red marks from the thorns. It look liked she had chicken pox. It served her right. "The bible says to honor your mother!"

"It does. It also says don't try to cram your tongue down your daughter's boyfriend's throat." I lied. She had no clue what the bible says. She was, however, an expert on paperbacks that pictured heaving bosoms and Fabio.

"It does?" She asked.

See?

"Go away, Mom." I threw open one of my boxes and started throwing clothing around. I had to have at least one dress in there. Preferably unstained and hopefully unwrinkled. I don't even think we own an iron.

My mother did this audible sigh that made me want to throw her into the box and mail her to Alaska. "I didn't tongue Edward, Isabella Marie. I was giving him a motherly peck."

I gagged when she used tongue and Edward in the same sentence.

"Motherly peck, my ass. My young and perky ass and not your flabby and headed south ass, Mother." I stuck my finger in her face. I hoped she wouldn't bite it. Renee seems the type that would bite her young. I seem to have a vague memory of this happening to me at the tender age of two. "You dove right in used you mouth to try to suck out his beautiful youth, you crazy old cougar. Let me clue you in...you're ancient and dress like a street walker in the seventies. My nubile and very flexible future husband will never think of you as a sexual option, unless he has a thing about breasts that can touch the floor. Back off!"

"You're going to marry him! Are you pregnant?" My mother threw her hands up in the air like she was at a Baptist revival. "My baby is ruining her life."

"Get a grip, woman. After college I will be...be...be...getting hitched to the Edward Cullen wagon. I am not, nor will I be getting pregnant anytime soon. If I time it correctly, science will catch up and I can let my kid be pregnant. He seems to be the more nurturing between the two of us."

My mother plopped on my bed. "You frighten me."

"It's good to live in fear." I started throwing clothing around again. "Will you please leave me in peace? I need to find something to wear for this gathering of grads."

"I brought you a dress." My mother looked at me worriedly.

Damn it.

"Does it have leopard, tiger, giraffe or peacock print?"

"All of them and dalmatian for pizzazz." My mother held up the ugliest thing I ever saw in my life.

"Burn it. I'm not joking. Build a bonfire in the backyard and we can use it to roast marshmallows for s'mores." I went through my box again.

"Bells? You descent?" My dad peeked his head in. "Renee, go harass poor Phil. I have something for my favorite girl."

Renee strolled past Chief Charlie and hissed, "Hate you!"

"You're a beast from hell, ex-wife," Dad retorted and handed me a bag from the mall. "I thought you might need this today."

Not him, too.

I pulled out a light yellow dress the color of spring daffodils. It was perfect.

"Dad..."

"I know you don't like dresses, but I got you some yellow sneakers to wear with them so your feet won't hurt. They're in the bottom of the bag. It's...ahh...going to be a long day, so you'll need comfortable foot wear." He rubbed the back of neck. "You look real nice in yellow and the girl was about your dress size, so..."

I ran up and hugged him. He was in shock.

"Thank you, Dad. For everything."

Absolutely everything.


	97. Chapter 97

**AN: Today's my anniversary. I wore a pretty white dress and got tipsy.**

**Also, Curve Ball is in the poll at The Lemonade Stand. If you are so inclined, you can vote for this story or the actual amazing ones on this week's poll. tehlemonadestand . com. (It actually is teh, not the.)**

**Enjoy. (Three chapters left. There will be a college sequel.)**

Chapter 97

They made me sit up front. The bastards.

My nose itched. My butt hurt because I had to sit on a hard, rusty, folding chair. My leg was asleep. I was looking down at James Taylor giving me or the principal the middle finger. Tanya was wiggling her tongue at me. I wonder if Larry discovered her true personality and gave her the boot. It wouldn't surprise me in the least.

This was a hell that was personally designed just for me.

Of course, to make things even worse, Michael Newton's long-winded father was giving the commencement speech. There were so many things that would be more interesting than that man extolling the virtues of hard work and being a model citizen. Like watching paint dry. A documentary on blades of grass. My father discussing the best way to catch a trout while stuck on a dingy in the middle of a pond. Things worth doing, unlike listening to this blowhard.

I closed my eyes and thought of my kid. Naked.

He was sitting at a hard wooden desk. I had a wooden ruler and whenever he'd mention the King Arthur and the Round Table I'd give him a gentle tap of my ruler. He'd smile and lick my knee.

This relationship was making me a depraved individual. I kind of liked it.

"Miss Swan," I heard a voice say in my ear.

Was it dream Baseball Boy?

"Miss Swan?" A hand tapped my arm.

I swatted it away. "Sleepy...naked kid..."

"Miss Swan! You need to speak!"

I opened one eye and saw the principal staring down at me. Damn it.

That was a nice nap. Stupid graduation.

I stood up and shook out my leg. My foot didn't get the memo about waking up, obviously. I hobbled to the podium.

The sun was bright in my eyes and reflected on the mustard yellow gown that was supposed to resemble gold, but was best described as baby poop.

I took a deep breath. "The majority of you will be living back at home in a couple of years. That's a fact. The economy is in the crapper and most of you have the brain power of a box of rocks.

Nothing I say will be inspirational in the least. I don't like this graduating class. I take that back. I can count the names of the ones I like on my hands and even that lot give me a migraine. The rest of you? Not so much. You all could tumble into a ditch and I would just sip a soda and lounge on a lawn chair watching the hysterical antics of you rocket scientists trying to get out.

What I'm trying to say is...basically...umm...I'm pulling this whole speech out of my ass. Life is messy. Leaving this land of tater tots and stinky gym lockers has prepared you for absolutely nothing. It should take you about four days to figure out the fry machine at the local fast food joint. Give or take.

You're all going to be small fishes in a large ocean. I have a list of you that I cannot wait to be taken down a peg. I'm looking at you, Denali. It will be my pleasure to watch all the bigger fish step on your heads. The lesson here? Learn your place, cheerleaders. You'll be barefoot and pregnant in no time. The football team will be drunk and sporting mullets.

Am I trying to be mean? Yes. I'm also trying to school you in the facts of life. You won't thank me now, but you'll be cursing me less in a few years. You can, however, blame our school officials. I told them to have Boo...Angela Weber do the speech, but they made you suffer through this. Probably to teach me a valuable lesson about school spirit, but I think there was a bigger lesson learned this day. Never trust Bella Swan.

Now children, parents and assorted gawkers, I bring you today's entertainment. Giant, shake that money maker."

Giant ran across the stage and dropped that robe. To my utter amazement, he was wearing a speedo that read, Class Clown. He started juggling tubs of peanuts. It was thrilling.

I looked to see my kid staring up at me with his mouth wide open. I wasn't surprised to see a bug fly in that gaping hole. I watched as he tried to spit it out. He should know better than to be surprised by my antics. Silly, pretty boy.

Today was the best day of high school ever, probably because it was the last one.

I wondered if kid would be up to a janitor's closet visit? That would be a graduation gift to remember.


	98. Chapter 98

**AN: Two more. Three, if you're sweet. I joke. Three if I get my butt in gear.**

**Also...The Attraction Equation wants to say hi. Also, you can still vote at The Lemonade Stand. If you want. No pressure. I like all the stories on the poll, so you have some great options.**

Chapter 98

"Daughter, I don't know what to say." Chief Charlie was pulling on his mustache.

We were sitting at our table at the Fork's Lodge with my kid, Dictator, their parents, Phil and unfortunately Renee. She was trying to flirt with Dr. C. I was trying not to laugh.

"That you're going to buy your spawn a beer, to get her ready for the college underage night life?" I suggested.

"Nope," he said and took a sip of his own beer. Dad was a tease. "I was talking about your speech at graduation."

"That you want to buy your spawn a beer for giving the most memorable speech in Fork's High history?"

"No beer, Bells." He patted my hand. "That speech was something else."

"The principal still has smoke coming out of his ears, Bella," my kid added to the conversation. "Couldn't you have a least added a good luck in there?"

"Do you even know me, kid?" I looked at my dad, throwing my hands in the air. "That's why no matter how much he asks, I refuse to go off and marry him. He has no clue who I really am."

"You're a smart cookie, daughter." Dad gave me a wink.

"I take after you, Father," I added.

My kid looked upset. I stroked his leg. He's so sensitive. "I joke, kid. You know me. You definitely know what I like."

I squeezed his dick. His eyes bugged out of his head. Fun times.

My kid squeaked, "He wasn't going to let you graduate!"

"My dad carries a gun for a living," I stated, giving him another squeeze. He got this smile on his handsome face, that meant happy times for me later. "I wasn't concerned."

"I have some influence in this town and I know a lot of people's business that they don't want to be spread around, son." He grinned at my kid. "Keep that in mind if Bella ever gets upset, son. Don't consider it a threat, but an important suggestion."

Charles Swan is one kick ass, mother fu...

"Esme!" I heard Dr. C whisper with a smile. "Save the footsie for later!"  
"What?" Esme looked confused.

I saw my mother smiling at my kid's dad.

Hells no.

"Mother, stop trying to seduce Dr. Cullen with your toes. First of all, yuck. Second of all, are you on crack?" It wouldn't surprise me in the least.

Phil looked embarrassed. Poor, old Phil.

Dr. C looked appalled. It was his own fault.

I said to him, "I told you not to be nice to her! Give her an inch and she'll take a mile. The woman has no boundaries. I suggest not going to the bathroom by yourself."

Dr. C looked nauseous.

Hee.

"Oops!" My mother giggled and winked. She took another swig or her vodka and...well...I guess it was just vodka.

Phil suddenly looked determined. He stood up and pulled Renee up with him. "We'll be leaving. I apologize for my wife. It was nice to meet all of you. Bella, dear, lovely graduation ceremony. You have an amazing future ahead of you. Renee, say goodbye."

"I want to lick you all over, Phillip," my drunk mother cooed.

Gross.

My dad made a gagging noise. I agreed with his assessment.

Teeny Tiny Dictator cried out, "Seriously? I could be with Jasper and I have to witness this craziness?"

Yes, because Baseball Boy and I like to share our discomfort with others.

"Honey, you can see Jasper after dinner." Esme smiled at her glowering daughter. She added, "You're curfew is still midnight."

"No!" Dictator started stabbing her chicken with a knife.

I think she was imagining her mother's face. I know that feeling. Funny. Dictator and I had something in common.

"I need to go pee," I stated to the table.

I headed to the bathroom. A hand grasped my arm, my kid pushed me against a wall. "Hi."

I whispered back, "Hi."

"You know what you said about my dad not going to the bathroom by himself?" He asked.

"Uh huh." This was fun.

"You should take your own advice." He kissed me hard and let his hand wander over me in the hallway next to the bathroom doors.

Panting, I pulled away. "Wow. I'm glad I didn't take my own advice. I wonder if they have a quiet coat room in this joint?"

My kid chuckled and kissed me again. He grabbed my ass.

"I know you are heading out tomorrow, but could you possibly try to pretend to be innocent children!" Chief Charlie exclaimed. "Damn, horny kids!"

Damn, horny kids indeed.


	99. Chapter 99

**AN: Hi. Two more. Probably today. **

Chapter 99

I had never wanted to go to a graduation party, I still didn't, but here I stood on a beach. It was as obnoxious as I imagined.

Let's point out problem number one. Drunk teenagers are not enjoyable. They're annoying and like to shout stupid things.

"Whoo! Graduation rocks!" I looked at where the screaming came from. It was Mike Newton. A shirtless Mike Newton with Forks's High Grad written on his chest. Exhibit A. The prosecution rests.

I was standing near the keg that was set up by a pathetic bonfire. It was tiny. I was drinking out of a Nantucket Nectars bottle. A vintage ice tea and lemonade mash up. I think it's official title is an Arnold Palmer. Like the golfer, but I digress. There was no way I was getting drunk with these morons.

"Bella, my Bella! How's hanging, Bitch?" Seth. Idiotic Seth. I would not miss that kid. "The Master of Amore is in the hiz house!"

"Think about what you just said, Clearwater." I glared at him. He didn't graduate. Shouldn't he be at home watching the Disney Channel and eating pizza? That actually didn't sound too bad.

"What?"

"What you called me?"

"I called you Bella."

"Yes. And..."

He looked frightened. "Are you going to kill me for calling you a bitch?"

"I'm going to kill you for saying, 'my'." I pulled his ear and made him wince. "I'm nothing to you."

Jacob ran up and pulled Seth away from the grip I had on his ear. "Aww Bella, he didn't mean any ill jizzle! It was his way to say you're a fly hottie."

"Why are you two idiots here?"

"It's a party, babe!" Jacob did some odd raise the roof move that was circa the early nineties.

My kid went towards the keg and I pulled him back towards me. "I want you lucid tonight. Where's your fancy dancy cell?"

"Why?" My kid looked at me with a quizzical look. He should have immediately known I was up to no good. He'll figure it out.

"I need to call Chief Charlie and let him know there are some underage whipper snappers at this shindig," I explained. "I wonder if Billy and Harry know you boys are here. I have a sneaky suspicion they think you are at the other's house painting your nails.

"Bella!" They whined in unison. Those two were peas in a weird little pod.

My kid wrapped an arm around my waist. He did this weird sound in my ear. Did he just purr?

Damn it! He goes off with the giant for one minute and gets sloshed.

"Babe, we're all underage!" He tried to reason with me.

"Oh yes, you all are!" I tapped my chin. "Hmm... I'm the only one sober. I might have to consider bailing you out of the big house, kid. The use of the word babe cannot go unpunished."

"Then we can't leave Forks first thing in the morning." Damn his suddenly lucid reasoning. "Want some of my wine cooler?"

I shot him the evil eye.

"Nope, because somebody has to drive all of you lushes home," I pointed out. "Seth and Jacob. You two numbskulls will sit on that log and not move. Not one big toe will twitch. When kid and I leave, we will deposit you back to your homes and you will give me your allowance. This will buy my silence and I'll consider it a tribute to my benevolent nature."

"Yes, Ma'am," they squeaked.

I live for their fear.

Kid grabbed my hand and started dragging me down the beach. "Look there's Garrett and Kate!"

The were canoodling by a piece of driftwood. Kate was licking Teeth's face and clutching one of those fruity monstrosities that was posing as good liquor.

"Hi guys!" My kid yelled. "We graduated!"

Baseball Boy was an obnoxious drunk. The things you learn.

I grabbed the front of his pants. "You're cut off, because I can make this hose very happy or very sad, depending on your decision."

"Am I getting on your nerves?" He looked at me with wide eyes.

"Extremely."

He gulped. "I'll be good."

"Good boy." I patted his bulge and pinched his ass. I turned to Kate. "Really, Mary Jane?"

"Are we talking about the wine cooler or the PDA?" She asked her eyes glazed.

"Both."

She gave a lazy smile. It reminded me of high Kate. I kind of missed her scary Grateful Dead bear shirts. "I thought you could take us home."

Bella Swan, Taxi Service for the Drunk.

I needed business cards, a white van and a sharp stick to keep them in line.

If one of these idiots throw up in the Grandma Mobile, I will bury them in the woods.

We're taking that thing across country and I refuse to whiff fruity flavored vomit the whole way.

"Oh no! Alice and Jasper are fighting!" Kid grabbed my hand and started dragging me across the sand again. Talking about burying people, Drunk Kid was headed to a burial in the desert outside a ghost town if he keeps this up.

I dug my heels into the sand and Kid landed face first in the sand.

He sputtered and spit out a mouthful of sand. "Why did you do that?"

"Let them break up in peace." I pulled him up. "This is how this going to play out. They will break up tonight. Dictator will pout all summer, while Texas Cheech will meet some cowgirl chick in the Lone Star State. Dictator will start dating that Alec kid who has been obsessed with her. He stares at her at every student council meeting. I think Dictator finds it flattering the way she always has to bring it up. Anyway, Cheech comes back at Christmas break realizing that cowboy chick reeks of manure and tumbleweeds. He will woo Dictator away from the boy dictator version of herself. They will live happily ever after. Blah. Blah. Blah."

"I feel dizzy!" It was from the wine coolers or my speech. I wasn't sure which.

I held him upright. "Let's get you home, Kid. We're leaving early in the morning and I want you ready to go. I'm going to get Dad's paddy wagon to take people home."

I was always a giver.

The Giant and Trailer came over to us. He loudly said, "Where the hell are you going? The night is young!"

"He's going to pass out, Jolly Green Giant." I helped my kid stand upright. "I need to get a bigger vehicle to transport the party animals back to their homes."

"He's only had one wine cooler!" Giant shook his head. "The boy is a light weight."

I had to agree.

Trailer held up keys. "I have our van. I can help."

"Thanks, Rose."

She smiled. "You said my real name!"

"I'm getting soft in my old age," I admitted.

These people were making me soft.

It was time to head East.

"Bella..." My kid asked, as we headed to the car.

"I was thinking pizza."

I groaned. "I'm sure your mom has some personal ones in the freezer."

"She does, but that's not what I was thinking." He sat in the passenger seat, his feet hanging out of the car. My kid wrapped his arms around my legs. The kid was like an octopus. He wouldn't let go. "I was thinking about New Haven pizza."

"Okay. What about New Haven pizza?" I asked with a small smile, as he rested his head on my lower stomach.

He looked up with those green eyes of his, more grass color than mold. "I think we should get Pepe's when we get to campus. I had it with my dad when we visited the campus."

"No. Modern is better. Pepe's sold out when they opened a location at one of the casinos." I take pizza very seriously. I do my research.

"Sally's?" He kissed my stomach.

"We try them all." I bent down and kissed him.

Yale here we come.


	100. Chapter 100

**AN: This is a final chapter. I will be posting a very special epilogue this weekend. (Hopefully.)**

**Also, Curve Ball is one of The Lemonade Stand's Fics of the Week winners! Thank you!**

Chapter 100

The alarm went off at five. In the morning. It was the time of day that no one should be awake for. No one.

I was also being strangled by arms. The naked arms of my kid were wrapped around my equally naked body tightly. Ever since dating this guy, I now had an aversion to pajamas.

The plan was that he was supposed to sleep at his parent's house and I would stay here. Plans change.

I was ferrying drunk grads with Trailer until 3 A.M., which was a horrible ordeal of vomit, angry parental units and drunken renditions of One Direction. I was in hell.

My kid was nervous about our drunken classmates getting frisky with me, so he decided to try and help me make them behave. Which was laughable, because all he did was glare the whole time. Those morons are more scared of me. I can reduce them to quivering piles of fear with one look. I needed no help.

By the time we dropped off the clueless duo to an irate Billy Black, we decided it was best to head to my house. My kid had thought it was best to steer clear of his. A weeping Dictator was not something anyone wanted to deal with. She was heartbroken at Cheech's breakup speech and that the giant punched Cheech in the nose for hurting his "bossy, little friend".

We left her with Esme.

All we needed to do this morning was get dressed and jump in the car. It was packed and ready to go. Chief Charlie was pulling a double shift and I hated good-byes. They were for suckers.

Something shifted against my leg. It looked like little kid was awake before big kid.

"Edward!" I poked him in the arm. "Edward! Edward! Kid!"

"Huh?" He asked, opening one eye.

I should have know he would only wake up when I called him his nickname.

"We have to go." I tried to move his body away. "We need to leave town before the zombies invade."

"Zombies!" He sat up quickly. Overhear one nightmare and you have leverage for years to come.

"No, kid. No zombies, just family and friends that want to tell us adieu. I say I don't." I tapped his arm and pointed to his folded up clothes on my chair. "Get dressed."

"I love you, but that wasn't one of your best jokes," he pointed out.

I shrugged. "I agree, but it's before sun up. That's as good as you're going to get."

He looked down at himself. "I have morning wood."

"What do you want me to about that? Call you Woody Woodpecker?"

He grabbed me and flipped me on my mattress. Kissing me and running those baseball throwing hands of his down my body, his message was clear. A quickie. Well it better be a quickie, because we needed to escape the trenches.

Five minutes and a wham, bam, thank you ma'am later, we were headed out the front door with my parrot in her cage. Annie Oakley was making quite a fuss.

Oh shit balls.

In front of the Grandma Mobile stood the whole gang, including a bandaged Cheech.

There was a banner. It looked like it was written in crayon and Bon Voyage was spelled incorrectly, as was Bella. It had to be crafted by Giant.

James Taylor came up and tossed a CD in my face. Ass.

"Angela told me to get you something, Swan."

_James Taylor's Greatest Hits_. Fitting.

"Thanks, you insipid crooner." I punched him in the arm. "Don't come to Connecticut."

"I wouldn't be caught dead," he replied.

Boobs hugged me and handed my fast food gift cards. "For the trip."

I hugged her hard. "You are always invited to New Haven to have Louie's Lunch with me."

"What's that?" She asked with a smile.

"The birthplace of hamburgers, my dear girl." I was salivating just thinking about them.

Kate and Teeth came up next. "Girl, New York in a couple of weeks?"

"You bet." She was my best friend.

Teeth and my kid were hugging. Doing some boy whispering. It was kind of hot.

Trailer and Giant brought us bags of sodas and chips. More of that damn hugging.

I was liking the gifts.

Dictator cried like a baby. She made a mix CD and a photo album. I was glowering in every picture.

Cheech gave a sheepish wave and gazed at Dictator with love and adoration. I take back my original assessment. Those two would be engaged by Fall Break. Silly kids.

Esme and Dr. C were crying like their daughter and kept slipping money to my kid. I think Esme slipped some greenbacks in my pocket with more condoms. I would be embarrassed, but they were needed.

Chief Charlie was patting his eyes and complaining about allergies. Sure. Allergies.

He brought us large coffees and breakfast sandwiches from the diner. That man was a gem.

He hugged me tight and whispered, "You're not a bad kid. I'll miss having you around."

"You're not a bad dad. I'll miss having you buy me pizza."

"That's my girl." He kissed my head.

I kissed his cheek. "Feed my sea monkeys. Every day. I want daily pictures emailed."

"They're brine shrimp."

"I'm Momma Brine Shrimp," I stated.

"Be good, my weird child."

I went into Edward's waiting arms, as Annie squawked, "Road fuck, Edward Cullen!"

"We better motor! See you all on the flip side!" I did a half-hearted wave and pushed kid to the car. "Get in the car, kid! Chief Charlie is going to change his mind! Quick!"

"Isabella Marie, we need to chat!" My father yelled.

"Go, go, go!" We dove into the car and I poked my head out shouted, "Ciao!"

We went down the road somewhat quickly in the Grandma Mobile. This thing was oppressively slow.

That's when I felt wetness.

It was coming from my eyes. Oh damn.

Kid looked over with a sympathetic expression. "Bella, are you crying?"

"Allergies," I said with a sniff.

He pulled over next to the large sign that stated, You're Leaving Forks. Have a Nice Trip!

"Come here." He unbuckled his seat belt and pulled me close.

"Stupid allergies."

He stroked my hair. "I know. Stupid allergies."

My Edward just let me pour out my allergic reaction onto his shirt.

Twenty minutes later, we headed out on the open road and our future.

"Road fuck, Edward Cullen!"

Crazy bird, but she did have some fantastic ideas.


	101. Chapter 101: Epilogue

**AN: This is it. The end. Done. Finished. No more. Dunzo. **

**Until the sequel. Which still needs a title and a banner, so the first chapter might be up by the end of this week. The Attraction Equation will be posting daily, so hop on over there while you wait. **

**Finally the most important part...thank you so much for reading this story! You are all wonderful! See you soon! **

Chapter 101 Epilogue

Journal of E. M. Cullen  
Ruler of Cullenopeia, Tamer of Dragons and Captain of Forks High Baseball Team  
(True Love of Maiden Isabella Marie of the Swan Kingdom)

I've been meaning to write every single day about the epic journey to get to the towered brick kingdom of Yale, but Isabella is a distracting traveling companion. Here we are so very close to our destination, but she needed to make a pit stop to see beluga whales. We'll be in this state for four or more years, but she had to come now.

However, it's raining. Tomorrow it should be a fair day to take in the sights of aquatic life, so here I sit writing in our motel next to McDonald's and the exit to 95.

Isabella is passed out on the bed after eating massive quantities of cheeseburgers, French fries and nuggets. They were all in Happy Meals, so she could get the creepy little Barbies. They shall be used in Isabella's quest to rid herself of her future roommate. We haven't even got to campus yet and Isabella is already scheming. I love that woman.

I shall give a few highlights of our trip in this tome, saving the rest for my kingly memoirs.

We headed out on the open road and hit all the major tourist spots. A giant ball of twine. A statue of the Jolly Green Giant. Lucy the Giant Elephant in New Jersey.

There were so very many that I lost count. Isabella had a plan she followed for each one. Take a picture of me in front of the monument, statue or random mime doing performance art. Glower when I would make a fellow traveler take a picture of us together. Buy a postcard for Chief Swan. Take me savagely behind a giant foot, shrubbery or in the backseat of the car.

Who knew that tourist attractions made Isabella amorous? Not me, but it is a wonderful turn of events.

As I feared Annie Oakley is not the best traveling companion. We were almost arrested in Texas when she told an officer to, I quote, "Fuck, fuck, fuck off!"

Isabella couldn't stop snorting. I think the man thought she was calling him a pig, but I knew better. It was her hysterical laugh.

We would still be in lock up if it wasn't for Chief Swan. That man had friends in every police department in the United States. It was amazing.

We were almost mugged outside of mini mart in Ohio. Isabella broke the man's nose. Annie's squawking alerted another police officer. I hid behind the car and was saved by my girl and her parrot. Not my most gallant moment.

Not everything has been negative, the opposite actually. This has been the most amazing trip of my life. I have seen incredible sunsets with Isabella held tightly in my arms. We've sat on the hood of my car and looked up into the stars in the middle of the corn field.

Of course, that did end up being frightening. Isabella kept looking around and saying, "Do you see the children with the scythes? They're coming to get us."

Have I mentioned I hate _Children of the Corn_, _It_ and _The Shining_? Stephen King is evil.

Isabella couldn't help snorting. Thank god, I love her. I was tempted to leave her with the corn.

No matter what, this trip has made us stronger as a couple. If I have my way, we'll be sharing a little apartment next to campus by Winter Break. My girl has her plans and I have mine. Mine will be victorious.

It seems my lady is stirring. I shall...no, she just burped in her sleep.

All those fries.

I shall take my chances anyway and cuddle close to her. Annie Oakley is reminding her of our lovemaking in very crude language. Maybe Isabella will take the hint. That bird has to be good for something.

Fare thee well until New Haven!

King Edward


End file.
